Weakness

I've found it a little more difficult to post this week. Lewis has stolen his laptop back so now when I want to get on the computer I have to go all the way down to the basement to use my desktop. Never before have I felt a desire to have a laptop. I can assure you my next computer will be just that.

Anyway...life goes on here. As much as I would like to hide myself away sometimes it's just too hard to do with two young kids. This week has felt the most normal (so far) for me since Joy's birth...whatever "normal" is? Part of me feels bad for saying that, almost guilty for getting on with my life, even though most of the time I don't feel like moving on. I want to wallow in self-pity. It's a constant battle. More on that later...

I am now finally allowed to physically pick up my kids. Of course this was not such a big deal with Elijah since he is 4 and doesn't require a lot of picking up, but I know Phoebe was mad at me for a while. I'm sure my time in the hospital and then back home where I could not pick her up was hard for her to understand. She did often seem angry with me. All is well now. It feels so good to be able to pick both kids up now if I need to.

I went to the doctor's on Thursday for my post op appointment. I guess all is healing as well as can be expected. I still have some numbness close to the incision and I'm praying to regain feeling there by the time I completely heal. Gotta go back at the end of the month and that should be it.

I had a chance to ask my doctor some things I was a little fuzzy on regarding Joy and her abnormalities. I don't believe I've mentioned it here before, but Lewis and I chose not to have an autopsy done on Joy. For us personally, we did not feel that it would have provided us with any more answers than we already had. We knew from the CVS testing that she did not have any chromosomal disorders. We also knew about the fluid around her heart and brain from the ultrasounds. We also learned some new things after her birth, like her having a right leg (Praise God!) and which organs had developed outside of her abdomen, and how she was connected to the placenta. To let you know, it was her liver, intestines, and bladder that developed on the outside of her little body and she was attached to the placenta by way of her liver. Other details I am choosing not to share with the whole world.

Bottom line is we did not feel an autopsy, in Joy's case, would have given us any more significant details than we already had. The more significant questions I have...well...we've gone over that before haven't we? Only God has those answers.

I'm realizing that as I go on in this journey and deal with my grief that choosing joy is a daily choice. Quite honestly, it is a daily struggle. Some days I have to fight for that joy a little harder than others. Countless numbers of you have commented how strong I am, how brave I am etc. I really have to point you to Jesus, because without Him, none of what seems strong and brave to you would be remotely possible. I just really felt the need to make that clear here.

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. 2 Corinthians 12:9