It's been 14 days, two weeks.
I wonder how long I'm going to continue to measure time like this? Knowing me, I'll probably always measure time like this. Even more so I'll think about how old Joy would have been and what she would have been doing given her age. I'm sure that is normal too.
The other day was the first day I drove since I had Joy, the first day I went to the grocery store, and a couple of other firsts. I've always kinda measured monumental experiences in this regard for some reason. I assume other people do this sort of thing? I don't know.
Things since her birth/death are changing. It has turned from summer to fall. Leaves are starting to fall from the trees. The flowers that people have sent are starting to wilt. My milk is now drying up. My incision is healing, although it still hurts at times. I guess I'm supposed to get on with normal life, although I do have 3 more weeks off of work. Part of me doesn't want to get on with normal life. I mean what is "normal" after this? Everything seems so mundane. It's like I want to stay frozen in time. Where I can look around my house and everywhere be reminded of Joy. From the flowers, the cards, the meals people have brought for us, the maternity clothes I am no longer wearing, the thank you cards I still need to write and send. I want to stay in time where my memories of her will still be so vivid. Part of me wants to stay grieving and not move on. To continue to feel that fresh wound.
Boy that sounds so depressing and sadistic. Is this a normal way to feel after losing someone? They say that grief comes in waves, and it certainly does. I experienced this even while I was pregnant with Joy. Some days were okay and others not so much. I suppose I can expect this for quite sometime.
It's so easy to get caught up in the grief and I know at this point in time it is expected. The tears feeling healing. They feel cleansing. Have you ever noticed how songs often use the metaphor of rain and storms to depict pain and difficult times? Many of the songs on my play list are about rain and storms. I mean anyone who has ever taken a literature course knows that water signifies rebirth.
Think about how much we need the rain to produce crops and to sustain life. In order to produce "fruit" in our lives, we all need a little rain. Not many of us actually like the rain, but I think it's safe to say that we all enjoy the benefits of it....green grass, beautiful flowers, delicious fruit and veggies to name a few. While it's raining we often complain, think about how we would rather be outside doing something we enjoy. It sometimes makes us want to hibernate and curl up in bed. Heck, the rain itself can sometimes be pretty depressing, especially if it has been raining for days on end. I suppose the same can be said for the rain that comes into our lives for a season. The trials, the difficult times that we all experience one time or another.
One of the first scriptures that kept coming to mind as we started to go through this journey was James 1:2-4. I love how it mentions joy and this was even before we knew we were having a girl and named her Joy. Cool huh?
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trails of many kinds, because you know the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must first finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
The whole first chapter of James has some great stuff it it. Read it.
For some reason this scripture has grabbed me for years. Mostly during my university days. I guess maybe I thought I had some difficult times back then? LOL I don't know. Or I think maybe I thought it such a strange scripture. I mean come on.......consider it pure joy when you face trials??? Does anything sound more abnormal than this? Perhaps as I am nearing my ...uh em *clearing my throat*...mid 30's it's not so hard to see how difficult times have brought great growth in my life. This is probably more difficult to see in your very early 20's unless you've been through a lot and have gained some insight.
I'm not sure why I'm writing all this. I suppose part of me writes this to encourage you if you are facing difficult times and part of me writes this to remind myself. If I didn't have Jesus carrying me through, I don't really know how I would cope.
Do you guys remember that poem "Footprints in the Sand?" It seems pretty fitting in light of my last thought. I, like many of you probably read this a hundred times and thought..."Oh, that's nice", but I could never fully relate like I can now.
Footprints in the Sand
One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there was one only.
This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods
of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints, so I said to the Lord,
“You promised me Lord,that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life
there has only been one set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”
The Lord replied, “The years when you have seen only one
set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you.”
Mary Stevenson, 1936
Does this post seem as much like a jumbled mess to you as it does to me? I'm not quite sure that I completely finished a coherent thought. Let just say I'm writing in a stream of consciousness.
Before I end this post I wanted to share some pictures from my camera. More to come later.
We are quite the motley crew. This has to be one of the few pictures ever where Phoebe is cooperating and nobody else is. LOL
Elijah loving on Joy.
Lewis, Elijah, and Joy.
Phoebe looks at her little sister.
Joy and I at the funeral home.
The balloon release in our backyard.
the storm is brewing
1 year ago