Saturday, February 14, 2009

My Husband

This is a post I originally wrote on 12/8/08, but it seems to have remained only as a draft. I thought with today being Valentine's Day it would be an appropriate time to share it.


It's a strange thing ...grieving a child. I know that no two people grieve the same way, which brings me to my husband...Lewis. I picked him up from the airport the other day and the next day we went to church. During the worship service he looked over at me with tears in his eyes and said "I really miss her." Of course I knew exactly who he was talking about. I grabbed his hand and said "me too." He drove us to Joy's grave site after church and again became emotional.

Of course I know Lewis loves and misses Joy, but I don't always see that side of him. I think sometimes I'm too consumed by my own grief to think about his or I assume he is at a different place of acceptance in dealing with his grief. I guess we are both trying to find our own way through it. Sometimes it's difficult and other times we get by, whatever that means.

Lewis asked me today if I have ever had someone ask me how many kids I have since Joy was born. I knew exactly what he was asking me before he even got all the words out. It has been something I've been thinking about lately. The truth is I have not had anyone ask me this yet. I guess I don't get out enough or come in contact with new people who don't already know about what has happened. Of course the answer is ...I have 3 kids. While Lewis was on travel last week for work he said he was asked this many times. I asked him what he said. He said "I told them I have 3 kids." I asked him if he explained any further and he said not always and that sometimes there were questions that required further explanation old are your kids?

It's funny the simple things that can bring a person joy. My husband, for as much as we butt heads sometimes, he brings me joy. He has so many facets to him. If the truth be known, I must confess he is really more sensitive than I and he sometimes surprises me. He is often very loud and boisterous, but then there are those times he gets so sentimental and wells up with tears when talking about the love he has for our kids and I. He'll really hate me saying this but I've even caught him crying during one of the proposals on "The Bachelor" reality show. I never let him forget it either. I also like to embarrass him with this small detail. I think it's kinda sweet.

I love that he doesn't over think things the way I do. He is just himself. Many times I'm too concerned with what others think, probably because I'm my biggest critic and think other people must be thinking the same things as me. Not the case.

Happy Valentine's Day Lewis! I love you! Happy Valentine's Day everyone!

Monday, February 2, 2009

Beauty for Ashes

I have to apologize for being a bad blogger these days. I guess I'm at a point where I'm not really sure what to write about that hasn't been said and I'm not sure of the direction I want to take with the blog. I am still grieving over the loss of my youngest daughter and it hurts terribly, but I don't really want to write over and over again how sad and distraught I am. I know you all get that. I mean after all the name of my blog is "Choose Joy." That's really what I want to inspire.

I am hit daily by the grief and it can show up in the strangest places and at the strangest, most unexpected times. I daily make the choice to either choose joy or not to choose joy. Can I be honest with you? I don't always make the right choice, but joy wins most days.

There is a scripture that has been impressed upon my heart lately and to be honest here I did not even know the whole scripture all I knew was this part, "His beauty for my ashes." I really did not even know what the scripture was about but it really just seemed to keep coming to mind lately. One of the pastors quoted it in church yesterday during a baptismal service. I thought ah I know where to find it...Isaiah. Really, after I heard the part "beauty for my ashes" the rest was a blur because I was so exited to hear it that I missed the rest and did not even catch where in Isaiah it was. What a dork!

Sure I could have looked this up sooner, but to be honest every time I thought about it I was no where near my computer. You know I am the google queen, but like I've said short-term memory leaves much to be desired these days so as soon as I would think about it and realize I was unequipped to get the rest of the scripture I would forget about it. Until today that is...I knew that my grandmother O'Brien's sister wrote a book in the early 90's called "His Beauty for my Ashes" and I knew we had it on our book shelf. I haven't read the book, maybe I will now, it actually belongs to my mother as I saw the note Mabel had wrote to her in it. Anyway, to make a short story even longer...I found the scripture verse from that book. Pretty resourceful eh? And to think I did all that whilst writing this blog entry. So I literally just found the verse.

To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified.—Isaiah 61:3.

I liked that version of it, because it uses the word "joy." However, my bible puts it this way...Provide for those who grieve in Zion, to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and the garment of praise instead of despair. They will be called oaks of riteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.

Okay, it's all coming back to me now. You know, one of those scriptures I had long tucked away in my brain. In fact, I remember singing a song in church years ago with words from this scripture. Thank you for being patient in this blog post of discovery. LOL I know it seems kind of random and disjointed, but that scripture is really speaking to me. I needed that and I'm going to take some time to digest it. God was nudging me with it and I was being lazy.

Just to make this post even more random....I'll add a "Happy Ground Hog Day." Does anyone know if he saw his shadow?