I really have not felt very inspired to write much these days. As you can clearly see it's been two months since my last post. In my defense, although you would never know it, I do tend to start blog entries and never seem to finish them. I won't bore you with excuses, but something I saw last week prompted me to start another blog entry. Yes, that was last week. I'm a little slow in getting things out there I guess. What was significant last week was that on the 15th was the 10 month anniversary that Joy was born and went on to heaven. The last few months I've noticed that it is not so much a difficult day, being the 15th, but it seems to last that whole week. What I mean, is that I just am more emotional. I'm pretty sure it's not just the pregnancy hormones.
Last Thursday I was flipping through the channels and came across the show "16 & Pregnant." This particular teenage couple was planning on giving their baby up for adoption. As I was watching I couldn't help but draw several parallels between what we went through with Joy and giving a child up for adoption. Please don't misconstrue what I am trying to say. I know it is not the same thing at all, but I never thought about the similarities before.
First I want to say how selfless an act adoption is. One of the biggest differences in my story is I never would have willingly given Joy up. I did not have a choice in the matter....I fought it every step of the way. Like a couple that is giving a child up for adoption, we were preparing to give our child up as well...to God. We also were not preparing to be able to bring her home. We prayed for it, but never purchased any clothes, nor set anything up at home for the arrival of a baby. We too, had to give birth to our child and say goodbye.
Watching this episode brought up a lot of emotions for me. You want to know the strangest thing about it? They showed her going for an ultrasound and the lady performing it is our ultrasound tech....Lisa! I was like..."Hey, that's my doctor's office, too." She gave birth to her baby at the same hospital I gave birth to both Phoebe and Joy. She actually gave birth to her baby in the room that we were with Joy in after my c-section. We did not have the same doctor, she has a different doctor in the same practice as mine. How crazy is all of that??? Needless to say, I was crying through the whole thing.
Anyway, the only reason I bring it up is just to share the new insight or spin on the situation I now have. I never had thought about it this way before. Of course I thought about what the Bible says about adoption and the verse that immediately came to mind was Romans 8:15 For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, "Abba! Father!"
This verse kinda makes me think about the times in my current pregnancy that I am fearful and I have to stop myself and offer this baby to God. I do this in an acknowledgment that this child, nor any of my others truly belong to me. They are gifts that God has entrusted me with. I do this as a way of gaining the peace that no matter what happens, God is in control. I probably did not explain this very well, but I know those of you who have been where I have been understand.
I'm probably way over due for an update as well. So here goes...
I'm now 25 weeks pregnant and everything is progressing as it should. At my 19 week ultra sound we found out that Elijah, Phoebe, and Joy are going to be having a baby brother. Baby boy looks to be developing perfectly. The quad screen came back completely "normal." All good news.
I have to admit that sometimes all of the "good news" starts to make me sad. Not sad that this baby is healthy...I'm thrilled about that, but sad that this was not the case with Joy. It has had me questioning the "whys" all over again. Things seem so easy during this pregnancy that it makes me mad I was not able to experience this with Joy. Seems like a strange paradox I suppose? So I don't feel like I'm battling fear so much, but sometimes a bit of anger. The only fear that I have is going into early labor. Obviously I did with Joy as she was born at 30 weeks, but there is no reason to think I would with this baby. I certainly did not with Elijah or Phoebe. Maybe I'm thinking like this because I will be closing in on the the 30 week mark in a few short weeks. I'm anticipating that will be a difficult time emotionally for me. I covet your prayers.
Lastly, as of this week I am officially unemployed. Can't say I did not see it coming, but they eliminated my position. I had about 3.5 weeks notice. I'm not terribly excited about this new development, but for the time being I'm just going to enjoy not working, spend more time and attention on my kids, continue studying for school, and prepare for this new little life growing inside of me. After my initial pitty party thinking God did not like me very much,(I know...lame, right?) I just set my sights on the fact that God must have something so much bigger and better in store for me! I can't wait!
the storm is brewing
1 year ago