Today was suppose to be a happy day.
I was supposed to give birth to a beautiful, HEALTHY baby girl.
Our family of five was supposed to be complete.
This day came much sooner than today.
Nine weeks and six days sooner to be exact.
I should have been able to watch my husband give her a bath,
to watch our children's eyes light up at the sight of their new baby sister.
I should have been able to nurse her, change her diaper, and wipe spit-up off my shirt.
I had four months to get ready to not be able to do any of those things.
Four months to get used to the idea that instead of bringing our baby home
we would be burying her.
Four months to pray for a miracle.
Four months to cherish her while she was still alive.
Four months to not take any of it for granted.
Those four months were a gift.
A gift of life.
A gift of hope.
A gift of bonding.
30 weeks and 1 day you lived in my belly,
but you were born in the heart of Jesus since the beginning of time.
He knew your name even then.
He knew your purpose, He knew the plan.
He picked me to be your Mommy?
All the tears, all the heartache, all the pain, and all the emptiness was worth it.
It was worth it just to have you in my life.
I would do it all again with the same outcome,
just to be able to hold you.
Just to be with you, I would do it all again.
Today was Joy's due date. It is hard to think what might have been, what could have been, what should have been. The only thing is that God doesn't make mistakes. Although this should have been her due date it was never meant to be. Her birthday was always meant to be just as it was...Sept.15, 2008. It is still hard for me to accept this at times. But I do accept that God is a sovereign God and his ways are not my ways.
With thanksgiving approaching our Pastor was preaching today on being thankful. I have to admit that I was really challenged this morning to be thankful in my circumstance. I mean am I supposed to be thankful that my child died? Of course not! Something Pastor Mark said that resonated with me was..."If you can't be thankful in your circumstance, be thankful for who He is." I guess that is where I am.
Being an imperfect, selfish human it seems to be so natural to dwell on all the negatives. Instead of being at the hospital celebrating the birth of my newborn baby where people are supposed to come and visit us. I am visiting my child's grave site thinking about what I am missing out on. For me, a natural born complainer, I really have to fight against those thoughts. I have to be thankful on purpose. Though I wished Joy's life had a different outcome I can still be thankful for many things. After church I visited her grave site and I took that opportunity to thank the Lord for several things. I thanked him for Joy, I thanked him for choosing me to be her Mommy, I thanked him for carrying us and continuing to carry us through this storm, and I thanked him for the work he is doing in our lives and others through Joy and her story.
So many conflicting thoughts. The best way I can sum it up is in the lyrics to the first song you hear when you arrive on my site by Sanctus Real. "Whatever you're doing inside of me, it feels like chaos, but somehow there's peace." That is the truth....no matter my crazy conflicting thoughts, no matter the pain, sorrow, and tears....there is peace! The kind of peace that can't be explained, it can only be experienced through Jesus Christ. The kind of peace where you have joy in spite of the sorrow, because it's the kind of joy that is deep down. It is God given and therefore cannot be taken away by circumstances.
the storm is brewing
1 year ago