Phantom Baby

Something I've experienced a few times since giving birth to Joy are kick-like sensations in my belly. I thought I was losing my mind to be honest with you. I just had one again the other day and it really got me thinking. I started drawing parallels between those sensations and phantom limbs. For those of you who don't know what a phantom limb is let me break it down for you Wikipedia style;

A phantom limb is the sensation that an amputated or missing limb (even an organ, like the appendix) is still attached to the body and is moving appropriately with other body parts.[1][2][3] Approximately 50 to 80% of individuals with an amputation experience phantom sensations in their amputated limb, and the majority of the sensations are painful.[4] Phantom sensations may also occur after the removal of body parts other than the limbs, e.g. after amputation of the breast, extraction of a tooth (phantom tooth pain) or removal of an eye (phantom eye syndrome). The missing limb often feels shorter and may feel as if it is in a distorted and painful position. Occasionally, the pain can be made worse by stress, anxiety and weather changes. Phantom limb pain is usually intermittent. The frequency and intensity of attacks usually decline with time.[5]

Like I said, I haven't had these feelings often but for a split second afterwards I would think Joy was still inside me or that I was still pregnant. I said for a split second and then of course I know I'm not and that she is not still inside me. I find the similarity with phantom limbs intriguing. I know I'm not missing a limb, but I'm missing something/ someone to me that is so much more valuable than a limb....Joy. If you've read my blog you will know that the doctors told me all along that Joy was missing a right leg and in fact she was not. She was born with both legs and feet!

One of the main differences of course is that phantom limb sensations also involve physical pain. I am not in any physical pain, but there is no denying the emotional pain I am dealing with. I'm always drawing strange parallels between things. I say strange because I often think most people don't think the way I do or maybe they do and they are just too afraid to voice their thoughts for fear of being laughed at? Well you can laugh if you want. I thought myself very clever to come up with the term "Phantom Baby," but low and behold I am not the first. As I do with so many things......I "googled it." Apparently there are other people out there who have had these strange sensations. I couldn't find any of these women that were similar to me in the sense that they lost their child, but I really did not look that hard.

Aside from the sensation of being kicked from the inside. Limb or no limb. I will always be missing Joy and wishing she were here with me. She was not just a part of me for the 30 weeks I carried her, but she will be for the rest of my life. I will always have that pain of her death, but just like with phantom limbs "the frequency and intensity of attacks usually decline over time." Of course when you lose someone or experience something difficult people tell you something similar..."time heals all wounds."

Personally, I've never found any of these cliches to be helpful or comforting. My absolute least favorite one is...."God never gives you more than you can handle." Hogwash! Of course He does! This has all been more than I can handle on my own. It's God that has been carrying me through every step of the way. This has made me lean on Him like never before.

Joy's due date is quickly approaching.....this Sunday, Nov. 23. Please keep me in your prayers as this date draws near. At one point Nov. 23 was supposed to be a day of great happiness, but instead I'm anticipating it to be a difficult day, or at least an emotional one.