Surfing the waves of grief

Don't be fooled by the title. To say I'm surfing the waves of grief may allude to the idea that I'm gliding with ease across these waves. However, I have never surfed before. In fact, I have never even considered surfing, not even for a second. The only thing I've done that remotely comes anywhere close to surfing was "trying" to ride a boogie board in Barbados. HA! Not quite the same thing! Needless to say that if I were to literally attempt to surf I would no doubt fall off. Come to think of it I don't know that I would be able to even stand on the thing. It looks pretty difficult.

Anyway, I suppose much of the same can be said for these waves of grief that come my way. Just like I have never literally surfed, I have never had to deal with grief from the loss of a loved one. Perhaps some people think this grief is not as bad because I didn't actually get to know Joy as one would get to know a person with whom they've had a relationship with. Honestly I cannot compare the two because I don't know that side of grief. All I know is that part of my grief is just that...not getting the chance to get to know her like I do with Elijah and Phoebe. I won't get the chance to see her grow.

I was up the other night with Phoebe, who was crying, just holding her in the chair in her room. I started thinking how I don't have this opportunity with Joy. As much as I really dreaded getting up in the middle of the night with Elijah and Phoebe as infants. I find myself missing that opportunity with Joy. How silly of me to take something like that for granted. I also started looking around Phoebe's bedroom and was quickly reminded how this was supposed to be Joy's room too. Right now Phoebe is still in a crib, but there is a big girl bed for her in there when she is ready for it. It looks like it is a bedroom for two, well except for the fact that the big girl bed has no mattress yet. It was supposed to be Phoebe and Joy's room. Joy is supposed to be in that crib and Phoebe is supposed to be in that bed. They were supposed to be sisters who were only 22 months apart. Instead, they were born 20 months apart, but Joy did not live. I grieve for my children and the sister they will never get to know in this lifetime.

When I found out I was pregnant I had secretly hoped for another girl. I thought how cool to have a sister so close in age. I probably thought this because I don't have a sister, but recognize the unique bond that a lot of sisters share. This is going to sound bad, but I also wanted a girl for convenience sake. Phoebe has the bigger bedroom and it would not be crammed to have another girl in there. Sure we could move rooms around if we had to, but the room was already decorated for a girl. Lastly, Phoebe was a much easier baby than Elijah was so I just assumed that if I had another girl it would be relatively easy if she turned out anything like her big sister.

Well, I partly got what I had hoped for...a girl, but of course we know that everything did not turn out the way we had anticipated. It's strange the things we take for granted. I certainly knew there were no guarantees with any pregnancy as I had experienced in Feb. 2006 with my miscarriage and subsequent D&C. I never had morning sickness with that baby, so once I started getting morning sickness with Joy I thought it would be smooth sailing...or should I say surfing?

As I get older and experience more I find myself so rudely reminded that in this life there are no guarantees. I know they say the only thing you can be assured of in this life is death and taxes. Blah, blah, blah. As much as that is partially true I would hope that wasn't it. Of course I don't believe that to be it...thank God! My trust, my hope, my faith is based upon the truth of Jesus Christ and who He is and what He has done through the shedding of His blood on the cross.

So many truths in this world change. What may be true one year may not be true the next. Science is ever further advancing, we are discovering more about so many things we once had no clue about, and on and on it goes. Textbooks become quickly outdated due to new and more information, but the word of God is never changing. It is always the same. Could you imagine waking up to discover that what you had known to be the truth one day was no longer true the next? Well, that never happens with Christ. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. Amen!

So back to the idea of this wave thing. So many people talk about grief coming in waves. I do find this to be the case. Some days I get caught off guard by things I see, things I hear and it all comes crashing down around me. Some days I can't believe all this has happened. Did I really have another baby? Did she really have so many physical things wrong with her? Did she really never take a breath? Did we really have to bury her? It still seems so surreal. Looking at her pictures confirms to me that she was here with us, we did get to enjoy her only for a brief time. Her life had significance. She did touch our lives and changed us forever.I know I had months to plan for this, months to grieve, months to pray for a miracle. I don't know that anything can prepare you for the end result. Perhaps some of the knowing has lessened the "blow" and shock of what happened, but I don't know that it lessens the grieving, lessens the heaviness of my empty arms and the hole in my heart. I know God is working on mending those things in my life.