Wow....my previous posts were so optimistic. It almost makes me feel bad for attempting this next post. Let's just say that nothing bursts my "faith bubble" like a good 'ol visit to the OBGYN's office. Maybe it's too strong to say my bubble was burst, but it kinda brings things back to the reality of what is currenlty going on inside my belly.
We started our visit with an ultrasound (u/s). This is one that Lewis and I requested because we wanted another chance to see Joy. Our OB, Amanda (yes, we are on a first name basis), was so kind as to allow us to do this although it is not really needed. Joy continues to have a good strong heart beat despite the fluid that is surrounding her heart. She continues to have a build up of fluid around her brain, and her organs are still floating around in the amniotic fluid, which by the way....the fluid levels are good. This has been an apparent concern given the limb body wall diagnosis, however it seems to be a non issue here. Joy is in a breach position....head up, feet down....with the likelihood of her turning head down very very slim. She does not have a normal umbilical cord to allow her the freedom of movement like other babies. In fact, as the u/s tech was showing us the side profile of Joy's face you could not help but see this mass right in front of her face, which is believed to be her liver. The coolest thing we saw outside of her heart beating away was her swallowing. All the signs of life are there. On the flip side of that it breaks my heart to think of the numerous abnormalities that Joy is dealing with.
In light of the unlikely event that she turns head down you can imagine I will no doubt have to have a C section. Being a woman who has had two successful vaginal births and relatively easy birth expereinces at that, it pains me to think of the idea of being cut open to deliver Joy. Initially upon hearing this possibilty several weeks ago my first thought was....oh great....so on top of all the emotional pain I'm going to be dealing with I have to have physical pain to go along with it. Nice! I think I am slowly getting over it. I'm not really worried so much about the physical part of it all. To try and spin a positive out of the C-section I can look at it like this. At least I'll have a scar to remind me of where Joy was. To some that may sound sarcastic, but I assure you there is no sarcasm in that at all. For me, I am wanting to hold on to everything I can of her. As it is I will have limited things to remember her by considering the likelihood of her short life. The scar will be permanent.
Both scars will be permanent, the physical and the emotional. I thought it might be helpful to look up the word scar....this is what I found a top the google search.
Scars (also called cicatrices) are areas of fibrous tissue that replace normal skin (or other tissue) after injury. A scar results from the biologic process of wound repair in the skin and other tissues of the body. Thus, scarring is a natural part of the healing process. With the exception of very minor lesions, every wound (e.g. after accident, disease, or surgery) results in some degree of scarring.
Scar tissue is not identical to the tissue that it replaces and is usually of inferior functional quality. For example, scars in the skin are less resistant to ultraviolet radiation, and sweat glands and hair follicles do not grow back within scar tissue. A myocardial infarction, commonly known as a heart attack, causes scar formation in the heart muscle, which leads to loss of muscular power and possibly heart failure. However, there are some tissues (e.g. bone) that can heal without any structural or functional deterioration.
The word scar was derived from the Greek word eschara, meaning place of fire (fireplace).
Take what you will from that, but the last sentence had the biggest impact on me...place of fire. It is funny how reading one thing leads you to think of another. So I'm just going to go with it....bear with me. When I read that last sentence I thought of the song I haven't sung in church in many years...Refiner's Fire. This got me flipping through my Bible and googling. In Malachi 3:2 it talks about the refiner's fire. He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver; he will purify. Off to the side of the scripture it explains what a refiner's fire is....The process by which precious metals are shaped. The goldsmith stokes up the fire until it's hot enough to burn away all impurities.
In my google search I found something very interesting. Read below;
The Refiner's Fire
This is for anyone passing through tough times.
There was a group of women in a Bible study on the book of Malachi. As they were studying chapter three, they came across verse three, which says: "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver. "
This verse puzzled the women and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God.
One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study. That week, this woman called up a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work.
She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver. As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest, so as to burn away all the impurities.
The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot -- then she thought again about the verse that says, "He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver."
She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined. The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he also had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.
The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, how do you know when the silver is fully refined?
He smiled at her and answered, "Oh that's easy -- when I see my image in it."
If today you are feeling the heat of the fire, remember that God has His eye on you and will keep watching you until He sees His image -- in you.
I don't know if all of this pertains to my situation, but I certainly know that through Joy God is shaping me....and it is all a part of my journey to become the person I am meant to be. I've known this for a while, it certinaly is no epiphany. The question I can't help but ask may be obvious....why does God have to use Joy to get me, to get Lewis, to get our family where we need to be. This is where I have a difficult time. I don't understand, at least not yet. Surley He could have gotten our attention another way that would not cost us the life of our unborn baby? Like I've said before...He has His reasons.
Isaiah 55:8-12 For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yeilds seed for the sower and bread for the eater. So is my word that goes out from my mouth; It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it. You will go out in joy and be lead forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and the trees of the feild will clap their hands.
Wow, I think I just I got a word from God. How awesome is His timing!
the storm is brewing
1 year ago