Preparing for the worst

Today was Lewis' 35th birthday. He decided that today he was going to begin calling some of the funeral homes etc. in the area that I had written down about 6 weeks ago to start preparing for Joy's arrival.

No parent should ever have to plan for the arrival of a new born baby by planning their funeral and burial. What else is there to say about that? Although I did not go with him to the funeral home it has all brought a lot of emotion to the surface. Like it had far to go? It's always there. I've been crying a lot today. As much as I hate planning for this I get to feel panicked if I feel this are being left to the last moment. Yes, I am normally a pro at procrastination, but not when it comes to this. I want Joy to be taken care of in everyway I possibly can.

I don't know this road so well ....so I try to manuver all the sharp turns and stops. All the while God is the one carrying me through. I don't really know where I am going, how far the journey is, or what is going to take place when I get there. All I know is that He knows and I trust that He has a plan greater than mine. In that I have peace. That doesn't mean I don't hurt, cry, scream, question....I do, I'm human. A dream of mine is shattered. My little girl is not supposed to live. How can I live with that?

I'm 24 weeks now and we had another OB visit. They don't anticipate me carrying her much longer, maybe 4-6 weeks?? Her heart is still beating strong! 145 beats per minute! Such a sweet sound it is. We get another ultra sound next visit at our request. Not because it is medically necessary, but because we want to see our little girl again while she is still alive inside of me. We are hopefully going to get in on a recordable disc that we can keep.

How do I make the most of the next few weeks? I don't want this time to slip past me. I guess this is one way to do it. I chersish every movement of hers...although it is few, which is pretty normal for a baby with her condition. I mean she is ALIVE inside of me! Sometimes I get so grief stricken that I can hardly breathe...maybe it's something like a panic attack. I had one last week just thinking of telling our 4 year old son, Elijah, about his baby sister, which we have yet to do. I kept thinking it would be like taking part of his innocence away. This is something we are going to be faced with doing within the next few days. I don't want to put it off any longer.

He asked me the other day when Joy was going to come out of my belly because he wanted to play with her. It just broke my heart. He already loves her so much. Phoebe, bless her little heart, is just too young at 18 months to really understand. She does know where baby Joy is when asked. She'll lift my shirt and pat my tummy and occasionally will try and kiss her, which seems more like she is blowing on her. It's so darn cute! I love these moments....they are bitter sweet.