You've got questions...we've got answers....ummm maybe?

Lately I've had the feeling that Joy is going to surprise everyone. I've never had so much hope as I have had this week. I can't quite explain it. I just keep thinking what if "they" are wrong about her and her diagnosis. If you know me well enough you probably know that I always question doctors...for some reason it's in my nature. Not out of disrespect or not valuing their position, but in the mere fact that they are human. They can make mistakes too. Quite frankly, they just don't always have all the answers.

Not having all the answers seems to be a common theme here lately. I've learned to accept that there are not always answers to the hard questions, but then again I always seem to question the answers that I am given. This certainly is nothing new. I hate this saying, but it's the best way to describe my position on a lot of topics. I tend to play "devil's advocate." I tend to argue and debate traditional thinking on a wide variety of topics. Certainly now when it comes to Joy you can expect that will not change. Even when it is something I don't agree with I always like to try and understand the other position. I am rarely swayed by such understanding, but I think it helps me to feel secure about the stance I take.

Wow, where did all that come from? I'm thinking I have become to complaisant in accepting Joy's fate and diagnosis. Me, the one who always questions authority and doctors even more has become status quo? I just accepted that they are correct in her diagnosis. As I think about this more it just seems so unlike me, but then I have never been in a position like this in my life. I just have never ever felt so completely not in control in my life.

At times like this I find it so easy to give the control to God. HA! That sounds funny...I'm giving Him the control? Wait a minute...He's always had it. I guess what I meant to say is it's easier to be okay with letting Him have control. There is a peace that comes with surrendering it to God. Given the present situation I really see no other alternative, at least for me. I've had to surrender Joy to Him and accept that she is His child first and foremost. I truely believe that God gives us our children as a gift. They do not belong to us, they belong to Him. It is our responsibily to raise them in a Godly manner etc.

I typically never questioned God. Maybe because up until now I never have been rocked to my core and felt the need to question? Kinda intersting how in this situation I have stopped questioning the doctors and started questioning God. Maybe because I feel I won't get any "real" answers from the doctors? Again, they just don't know everything. This seems to particulary ring true in this situation. I can't tell you how many questions I have asked that they just don't know or they are giving me answers based on the one experience they've had with limb body wall complex. It's not their fault. In their defense it's an extremely rare condition, which by the way there also seems to be no answer as to why this happened. I really can't find anything conclusive online either. I have been assured that it was nothing I did or didn't do. Again, no answers!

I know that God has all the answers though, and again that gives me peace. Even if I'm not made privy to those answers right now I guess I'm okay with that. Did I really just say that? Am I okay with being ignorant? I believe I am, because quite frankly I don't have a choice. I've accepted that. I suppose it can be equated to having faith like a child. I recall being younger having complete trust in my parents and believed some pretty crazy things they told me. My mom liked to tell me that the ear wax in my ears was carrots...and I believed that nonsense. Ironically enough I tell my son the same thing now. I'm not saying that God makes up these crazy stories, but it seemed as a child it was okay not to have all the answers and I don't think it even mattered. I just know that I trusted my parents knew what they were doing and that they had my best interest at heart...even if that was the case or not I believed it to be the case. Maybe that was a bad example, but with God it's so much more on a grander scale. It seems hard as an adult to have that kind of faith or trust, but given my current situation God is teaching me how. Sometimes whether I like it or not. ;)