Anger?

I am in heartburn hell right now. Nothing I seem to do will make it go away. Any suggestions besides the obvious...Tums and milk? Ugh! I thought eating some Twizzlers couldn't hurt. Boy, was I wrong...made it worse. I have to admit the heartburn with Joy is not nearly as bad as it was with Elijah and Phoebe, or at least not as consistent. Anyway...week 29 is here. Joy is still moving around nice and cozy in my uterus. I swear sometimes she must think she lives in a crazy house! She has probably been freaked out a couple times this past week with crying children in her ear. For some reason Elijah and Phoebe's heads end up on my belly, particularly Elijah's and he is the loudest, when they are upset. No one can scream like my son. I think it is supposed to be crying, but it really sounds like a scream. You know the kind of scream that makes your hair stand on end? That's the one! Anyway, Joy is probably wondering what kinda crazy family is she a part of?

Lewis is gone this week on business. This is supposed to be the last trip for sometime considering we don't know when Joy is going to decide to make an appearance. Based on the my doc's previous experience of one case and another lady whom I have connected with online who had a son with limb body wall complex (LBWC) they delivered at 31 and 32 weeks. I did find something while net surfing the other day about a baby who was delivered at 36 weeks. All babies were delivered stillborn. Interestingly enough I've had a couple people ask me this week if I would consider being induced early or I suppose in my case scheduling a c-section early to be able to possibly have some time with Joy alive. You know I never really gave that consideration. Partially because I was not sure how long she would survive inside my womb and also because my doctor thinks her lungs will not be developed properly due to the abdominal wall defect. She really thinks that it is highly unlikely she will ever take a breath. Honestly, at this point I'm not considering scheduling anything early. If we are getting into the 34th, 35th and 36th week of pregnancy where a normal baby's lungs would be very close to being fully developed I may prayerfully consider it. As much as I would love even a few precious moments with her while she was alive, part of me wonders if that is selfish. As without a miracle inducing labor would essentialy lead to her death or at least possibly make that time come sooner. Outside of a miracle I have little evidence to believe that if we were to induce early that we would even get that time with her alive. Ultimately, Jesus has the final say on how this will all play out.

My first OB appt. after the LBWC diagnosis was hard because for some reason I was thinking I might at least get a few minutes with her alive. I hadn't up until that point heard anything either way, but when I asked my OB and she told me that she didn't believe that she would even take a breath I was devastated. I recall driving home by myself crying and yelling at God that I just wanted 5 minutes...was that too much to ask? 5 minutes? After I gained my composure I made peace with the fact that Jesus is in control and the doctors can speculate and take their best guess as to what is going to happen, but again He has the final say.

If you're wondering am I or was I ever angry at God so far during this journey my answer would have to be...I'm not sure. I thought for a while I was angry at Him. I have certainly toyed with the emotion of anger toward God. I don't know that I ever came to an understanding if I was truly angry at him or just extremely disappointed? Just like I never questioned Him before this, I don't think I ever felt anger towards Him. Perhaps part of it is anger. Not in the sense of turning my back on Him and going my own way, but anger in the "why?" I feel this a lot while at church, most noteably during the worship part of the service. I find it so hard to get through most songs without tears. We sing about what an awesome, powerful, loving, gracious God we serve and I agree, but in the back of my mind I think...Yes God you are all that and I believe it ....so why is this happening, this doesn't have to happen...it's not too late for a miracle.

When I think of people in the Bible who went through a difficult time I immediately think of Job. I mean if I think I'm going through a difficult time...I've got nothing on Job. His sons and daughters were killed, his livestock were killed, he was afflicted with painful sores, judged by his friends to name but a few. He certainly expressed a lot of anger towards God. It was certainly poetic, but angry nonetheless. While reading this I came across one of those handy Bible indexes titled "Is it wrong to be angry with God?" To my surprise it said....No. The problem comes when legitimate feelings of anger are not handled correctly and lead to inappropriate bitterness and rebellion that sometimes accompany anger. The Bible realistically portrays the frustration and anger of God's people when things go wrong or when they cannot understand why certain things happen. This was the reason for Job's anger. Not only did he feel he was being treated unjustly by God, but he could get no explanation from him. Though his suffering caused many questions and anguish, he went too far when he insisted that he had a right to an explanation. In the end, God spoke to Job and set him straight: God had the right to question Job, not the other way around. Job realized he had been arrogant and that his anger was unjustified. When confronted by the awesomeness of God, Job repented.

Anyway, I thought that was interesting. Job also thought that God was angry, but God was not angry at Job; God was testing him. In another Bible index it says " Such sublte distinctions are hard to sort out while facing suffering, however. In the process of refining our faith, God often chooses to keep his purposes hidden.

I can so relate with a lot of that. ;)