You may be right...I may be crazy.

I'm not really sure how to start this post. This is something that has been bothering me for a while, but honestly I'm glad I haven't blogged about it until now. It's funny how thoughts and feelings change over time when you process through them and you come to a new understanding of what it is you are really feeling. With that said....I'll get on with it.

For quite sometime I had been feeling really self-absorbed and taking it very personally when people who knew what I was dealing with and going through with Joy chose to ignore the topic or seemed to distance themselves. I understand that it does not mean they don't care, they just don't know what to say etc. Let me just say...the silence has been deafening! I was probably one of those people before going through this. I've never lost anyone close to me and it really does make you ignorant as to how to deal with death and maybe even how to support someone who is grieving.

Let me just put it out there. I don't mind people asking questions. It's not like bringing it up is going to reminder me of what is going on, trust me...I can't forget. I find it worse to say nothing in fear of saying something wrong. Your heart will speak louder than your words. I know it's a difficult topic and most people fortunately have never had to deal with this...thank God!

I could go on and on how this bothered me, but I'll cut to the chase. It's not that it doesn't bother me anymore, but I've come to a better understanding of why I am feeling what I'm feeling. I want people to know that Joy matters, and for people to stay silent or to pretend like I am not pregnant hurts because she matters so much to me. I know this is not a normal pregnancy and so it lacks a lot of the cheerful milestones that everyone likes to share in as the the arrival of a new baby draws near, regardless Joy is still our child, a member of our family, a child of God, sister to Phoebe and Elijah. I want her life to have mattered and have had purpose. Perhaps that is partially why I have chosen to blog.

Part of this is my own issue that I'm dealing with. I'm not typically one to reach out for support. I never thought I had to explain to people, I figured I was the one hurting why do I have to seek to be understood? Maybe this was wrong...maybe I'm crazy...maybe it's all in my head...maybe I'm too consumed by my present situation? I really think a lot of it has even been a distraction of what God is trying to show me in all of this. Getting my eyes off of Him and focusing on reasons to be bitter and angry.