Never Going Back to Okay

I think I need to clarify a bit. I know the title of this post sounds a tad depressing, but I have a new take on it. Well, new in the sense that I'm looking at it in a different light. I've listened to this Christian song before and thought "ya, that's right ...I'm never going back to okay." I saw this as a bad thing because when I think about the past it's the recent past I think about. My past where Joy was still safe inside my belly and I could feel her move. The past where I was holding her, kissing her, talking to her, breathing her in. The past where our family was all together.....Lewis, me, Elijah, Phoebe, and Joy! Granted it was in the hospital and Joy wasn't alive, but we were still together if even only for the blink of an eye.

My last post "Life on Mars" alluded to this concept of never going back to the ways things were. As we were driving back home from church yesterday the song "Never Going Back to Okay" was playing on the radio. It's really kind of a groovy song. (Yes, I said groovy.) It truly is a positive message really, but I was looking at it like a bad thing. God was showing me that not going back to okay wasn't a bad thing. In my grief I suppose it's normal to reflect back on that time. That period of time between March and September, particularly since May 2 when we knew there was something wrong with her. It's just a fact that there won't ever be a day that goes by where I don't think about my sweet Joy. The last thing I want to do is get stuck in a funk of just looking backwards with sorrow. Obviously that will happen now and then, but I really am trying to focus on the joyful aspects of all of this. That may sound very strange to some of you but.......the joy of the Lord is my strength! Nehemiah 8:10

I don't ever regret for a moment carrying Joy in my womb for as long as God allowed it. 30 weeks and one day to be exact. The pain and heartbreak was worth having her in our lives, even it is was very brief. I feel so blessed to be able to call her my daughter. She was no less a gift from God than my other children. She has changed my life for the better and so I can say that I'm never going back to "okay" and that's okay with me. I mean "okay" isn't so great anyway. I want better than "okay." Plus, just going back to "okay" would not honor Joy's life now would it?


By the way, I just added the song to my playlist at the bottom of this page.

Never Going Back to Okay
Performed by The Afters

It's not the end
But it feels like it is
I'm waking up
Like I'm back from the dead
I'm stepping out
And I feel so afraid
But as long as I'm moving it's all right
I feel alive
And it hurts for a change
And looking back
and it's hard to believe
That I was cool
With the days that I wasted
complacent and tasteless and bored
but That was yesterday

We're never going back to OK
We're never going back to easy
We're never going back to the way it was
We're never going back to OK

This discontent
Like a slap in the face
Of mediocre
I've had enough of this place
This party's over
And I'm moving away from the frills of you Beverly Hills
but that was yesterday

We're never going back to OK
We're never going back to easy
We're never going back to the way it was
We're never going back to OK

We're here to stay
This is our time
Our only life
Our chance to live

We're never going back to OK
We're never going back to easy
We're never going back to the way it was
We're never going back to OK