This & That

Okay, before I start in on this post I need to share something with y'all. Sorry, I did live in Alabama for nearly 8 years and occasionally I may let a "y'all" slip. Anyway, if you read my last blog entry you will recall my fascination with the grass seed at Joy's grave site. At church on Sunday Pastor Mark was talking about sowing seed mostly in regards to finances, but also about sowing into people's lives and what did he use as a visual??? That's right....grass seed!! He got a grass seed spreader and filled that puppy up full of grass seed and spread it. Now how awesome is that? To me it was like a confirmation from God about what he is speaking to me.

I have had so many thoughts these days on so many different things that I'm thinking about, dealing with and wondering that I feel like this post won't be very coherent. One thing is that through this blog I have been able to connect with so many other women out there that have gone through the experience of losing a child. Many who have gone before me and walked this road and even a couple who have had to say good bye to their sweet babies since Joy went to be with Jesus. There is this network of women out there who blog like me about their journey, their heartache, their loss, their joy, their hope, and their Saviour. I know a lot of you coming to my blog are getting here by way of some of those blogs. I feel so connected to these women I have never met and I really do need to add their blogs to a blog roll, particularly for those of you going through your own journey so you can see that you are not alone. Okay they are now added to the side bar on the right. If you scroll down you will find them.

I know that reading their blogs often helps me in the emotions I'm dealing with, if for no other reason than knowing that my thoughts and emotions are not as crazy as I once thought. I know they say "misery loves company," but I think it's more like "brokenness loves understanding." Even if you haven't experienced the loss of a child you have certainly gone through something in your life where you have gained strength, insight, support and understanding from someone who has gone through what you have. I think it makes us feel like we are not alone, like we are normal, like someone else has gone through it and they survived. It gives us hope. Well that is much the same thing I'm trying to describe here.

I seem to be a part of this exclusive club of moms who have lost a baby. It's the type of club where nobody is happy about having a new member. I haven't been a part of the club very long, but already I have connected with new members. Not only was I not happy about their memberships, it brought me to tears. I don't want anyone to have to join this club. In fact, it's the type of club that nobody wants to join, but if they do they are pleasantly surprised at the love and support they find within this club. I can guarantee you that all of our children are friends in heaven, sitting at the feet of Jesus having the best time. The funny thing is that though I call these ladies my sisters, we have never met. Our children have met, but we never have. We will one day. If not during this lifetime then in heaven.

Speaking of heaven...since Joy's passing I can't help but feel so much closer to heaven. Not in the physical sense of course, but being more "heaven-minded." I have so many questions.......What is she doing there? Can she see us here on earth? Does she know how much we love her? Is she the same age there as she would have been here on earth? So many questions...so many thoughts. Many people have some conflicting views on some of those questions and it is not my objective to answer any of those just to let you in on my thoughts. Mostly I think about seeing her again one day and holding her. It gives me peace to know that she has a brother or a sister there to play with who I will get to meet for the first time once I arrive.

Elijah has also wondered about seeing Joy again. That is a difficult conversation to have with a 4 year old. In order to answer that it inevitably centers around death and going to heaven. He doesn't understand the concept that we are all going to die one day. It's understandably upsetting to a 4 year old. Every once in a while he surprises me with his questions. I love that he loves to talk about Joy and ask questions. He likes to get into our bed in the morning and often asks "Can we talk about baby Joy?" The other morning he asked if Joy would get lots of toys for her birthday in heaven and thought that Jesus would need to help her with the wrapping paper. ;) And this morning he asked if we could have another baby. Hmmmm

Last Thurs. night I had settled in to watch Grey's Anatomy while Lewis went fishing with a couple friends. I could hear Elijah crying from his bedroom. I just figured he'd probably stop in a couple minutes and I continued watching TV. He was still crying so I went up to check on him. As soon as I opened his door he cried out "Mama, I'm sad about baby Joy" and continued crying. I got in his bed with him and held him. I asked him what was it about baby Joy that made him sad. He said "because she didn't survive." I started to cry with him and he told me that his heart hurts. I prayed with him.

I hadn't seen him cry like this over Joy before. He mentions her most days and always says "I'm sad about baby Joy." He asks a lot of why questions like why did she die etc. It just broke my heart to see him broken like that. It seems so much easier as a mother to nurse the physical hurts. You know....kiss it better, clean it up and put a band aid on it. This is uncharted territory for me. All I know how to do is pray with him, pray over him, give him lots of hugs and kisses and try to explain things in a way in which he understands. That last part is the hardest. Our conversations have a lot of repetition. The same questions and often times the same answers. Please keep us in your prayers. I have a hard enough time as an adult understanding everything. I can't imagine being a 4 year old trying to make sense of it all.