Life on Mars

Don't be fooled by my lack of posting this week. I have a lot of thoughts these days, but few words to express what I am feeling.

I checked out that new show on TV last night called "Life on Mars." It was alright, but I couldn't help but think about the title of the show and the storyline behind it. "Life on Mars" is a good way to describe how I feel these days. The main character, a police detective, is living in the year 2008, gets hit by a car, and somehow is in transported to 1973. There are some familiar things to him in 1973 and some parallels to what he was dealing with in 2008 and from what I can gather he is trying to find his way back to 2008.

I guess that is kinda how I am feeling these days since Joy's birth/ death. Like I am in a life that is very similar to the one I had before that, but it's very different at the same time. Somehow I'm trying to figure out how to get back there, but I know it will never be the same as I knew it before.

With that said, I found a quote on a website of poetry regarding baby loss. This passage is apparently from a bereavement book. It is untitled and no author is mentioned. I was struck by how much this quote really captured what I've been feeling and kinda what I just expressed.

When my baby died, I felt as though I was suddenly caught up in a tornado whirlwind, spinning around in circles and upside down, finally dropping at lightening speed back to earth, but in a totally different place from where I was first picked up, and unable to find my way back to the place I had been before. That place no longer exists.

Hmmmm, kinda reminds me of "The Wizard of OZ." Anyway, you get the point. I'm not much of a poetry buff, but I found a few poems that really express what I am feeling these days. Their words are much more eloquent than mine

Untitled

Author Unknown
A million times we'll miss you,

a million times we'll cry.

If loving could have saved you,

you never would have died.

In life we love you dearly,

In death we love you too.

In our hearts there is an empty place,

no one could fill but you.

It broke our hearts to lose you,

but you never went alone.

for part of us went with you,

when God took you home.

His garden must be pretty,

he only wants the best.

He put his loving arms around you and said:

"My child, come home to rest".

Untitled

Author Unknown
I think about you day and night and wonder "Why Me?",

I wanted you so very much my precious baby.

At least I had the chance to hold you and feel your touch.

And to tell you to remember Mommy loves you very much.

I know they say with time the pain will go away.

But my love and memories for you will always stay.

I wanted so much to hear you laugh and cry,

so many dreams have just passed me by.

I know I must let go and begin to move on,

but I don't know how to say goodbye...

Dear Mommy

by Darlene Browning
Dear Mommy,

I just wanted to let you know that I made it home.

The journey wasn't an easy one,

but it didn't take too long.

Everything is so pretty here,

so white, so fresh and new.

I wish that you could close your eyes

and that you could see it too.

Please try not to be sad for me...Try to understand.

God is taking care of me... I'm in the shelter of His hands.

Here there is no sadness, no sorrow, and no pain.

Here there is no crying, and I'll never hurt again.

Here it is so peaceful when all the angels sing,

I really have to go now-I've just got to try my wings!

REMEMBERING

by Elizabeth Dent

Go ahead and mention my child.
The one that died, you know.
Don't worry about hurting me further.
The depth of my pain doesn't show.
Don't worry about making me cry.
I'm already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing
The tears that I try to hide.
I'm hurt when you just keep silent,
Pretending she didn't exist.
I'd rather you mention my child,
Knowing that she has been missed.
You asked me how I was doing.
I say "pretty good" or "fine".
But healing is something ongoing.
I feel it will take a lifetime.