One Month

Written on October 15, 2008. Oct. 15th also happens to be the National Day of Remembrance for pregnancy and infant loss.

It was one month today that Joy was born and went on to be with the Lord. I decided to go to her grave site and spend some time there. It was a cool 65 degrees outside, a beautiful autumn day. The trees were all in full color. I went and sat by her grave stone. I did not purposely go with my Bible, but lucky for me I had it in my car. I have to say as a side note that I have been so hungry these days for the word of God. Hungry to dig into his word either for comfort, for strength, for answers, or for truth. Today was no exception.

I've said before that I've been at a loss for what to pray for these days and the following scripture certainly rings true in my life right now. I heard it quoted on the christian radio station the other day and knew that was for me.

Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. Romans 8:26-27

Boy do I understand "groanings too deep for words." I just said "God I don't know what to pray for...please speak to me, please show me something." I don't know if you are like me when you pray, but often times I never shut up and just listen. It's often a one-sided conversation. I thought since I did not have any words that it might be a good time to try and listen.

I was looking at the ground around Joy's grave stone and was really captivated by the grass seed on the dirt. I noticed that some of the seed had taken root and was starting to sprout up. In other parts the seed just seemed to lay there on top of the earth. Parts of the ground had some cracks in it from lack of moisture. We haven't had much rain these days come to think of it. (We actually just got some after my visit there) I could not get the grass seed out of my head and thought "God, what is the significance of the grass seed that you are trying to show me?"

I opened my Bible and went to the index to find scriptures with the word "seed" in it. The first one I turned to was,1 Peter 1:23-25 For you have been born again, not of perishable seed, but imperishable, through the living and enduring word of God. For, All men are like grass, and all their glory is like the flowers of the field; the grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of the Lord stands forever.

This life is really just a fleeting moment in light of eternity. My life, your life, Joy's life....a fleeting moment. I've never been able to wrap my head around eternity. In fact, the idea of eternity scared me as a child. Nevertheless, if there is one thing that we can hold on to it's God and his word. It never changes. His principles are eternal.

In Luke 8:11-15 it states the meaning of the parable mentioned a few verses earlier: The seed is the word of God. Those along the path are the ones who hear, and then the devil comes and takes away the word from their hearts, so that they may not believe and be saved. Those on the rock are the ones who receive the word with joy when they hear it, but they have no root. They believe for a while, but in the time of testing they fall away. The seed that fell among thorns stands for those who hear, but as they go on their way they are choked by life's worries, riches, pleasures, and they do not mature. But the seed on good soil stands for those with a noble and good heart, who hear the word, retain it, and by persevering produce a crop.
I want my heart to be "good soil" that produces a crop. That is my prayer! That the seeds of truth that are being planted in me during this time would mature, bear fruit and produce a crop. I don't want to be that seed I saw sitting there on the dirt not taking root, not watered, and dried up.

I've always felt close to God in nature. Admiring his creation. I mean who can look at some of the most awesome things in nature and deny his existence? At least this is how I have always felt. Just look at the majesty of the rocky mountains, the power of Niagara Falls, it takes my breath away. Some of my greatest "quiet times" with the Lord have been outside. I had a place on the campus of the University of Toronto, when I was a student there, that I liked to retreat to in order to gather my thoughts, pray, etc. I called it my grassy knoll. Not to be confused with the grassy knoll referred to in the assassination of JKF. I digress...you get the point....let me get on with my visit to the grave site.

The maple tree close to Joy's grave site had the most brilliant red leaves. I would venture to say it had the most brilliant bright leaves of any of the trees in the cemetery. The red leaves were strewn about on the ground and I tucked a few in my Bible to take with me. Something I noticed as I was driving out was that most of the rest of the leaves in the cemetery all appeared to be dry and brittle with a brownish yellow hue. You know...the kind of leaves that crunch when you step on them. The red leaves on the ground below the maple tree were not only bright red, but they were flexible, not crisp. Not sure the significance of all that, but it was just one of the details I picked up on. For some reason it brought me joy.

Anyway, back to sitting there on the ground....I could feel the wind all around me. Leaves were falling from the trees like snowflakes falling from the sky in winter. It was quite beautiful. In the wind I could so strongly feel the presence of God. Just as God gave me that beautiful vision when Joy was born, today he gave me another. As I could feel the wind blowing against my left cheek I envisioned God holding Joy up under her arms to give me a kiss on the cheek. What a sweet wind. I could feel it cooling the tears running down my face. Not thinking of this at the time, but later realizing that wind has often been used as a symbol for the Holy Spirit. Not only that, but we know from scriptures that the Holy Spirit is our comforter. I certainly felt comforted!

I really thought I was going there to have a good cry. I did cry some, but even more than that I left with peace and a little more joy!

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With all the talk about leaves I thought I'd post some recent pics of the kids enjoying the leaves.

The red leaves I brought home.

Did I say enjoying the leaves?



Look close. Yes, that is a piece of leaf in her mouth. Yum!