This is something I avoided for the most part from May up until very recently. To be honest I love to wear make-up, but being as I work from home I rarely put it on throughout the week unless I have an appointment or when we go to church on Sundays. I purposely avoided it. Most notably on Sundays at church when I knew I would likely be welling up with tears and those tears would likely spill over. I've mentioned before that after we got Joy's diagnosis I had a hard time keeping my eyes dry at church particularly during the worship part of the service.
Often times I would mindlessly be putting on my make-up except for the very last part. For me, that was mascara. "Oh, I don't think I need to put this on because I'll probably end up crying and in turn look like a raccoon." Not only would I look like I had been crying, but I'd look like a clown too. So for months I avoided it.
Well the other week I was getting ready for church and without thinking I put mascara on. As soon as I did this I realized what I had done. I thought ...oh well it's too late now I might as well just go with it. Turns out I was just fine. No spillage of tears. You know what...after everything that we have been through this year I just don't care if I look like a clown. I don't care if it is noticeable that I was crying. Me, the over-analyzer was thinking maybe by putting on the mascara it means that I'm getting back to some semblance of "normal" life, but I really think it's more indicative of a small change in me. I'm not so concerned with what other people think anymore. Perhaps part of "not going back to okay?"
Now I know you must be thinking...Sharleen, you know they do make such a thing called waterproof mascara. Yeah, I know, but really I'm so scatterbrained most of the time I never remember stuff like that when I'm at the store. Truth is I wouldn't even care so much about the stuff if I was blessed with thick, long, full lashes like my son. Go figure!
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the storm is brewing
8 years ago
3 comments:
Sharleen,
I guess it would be weird for us if we went places and didn't cry. So far this week, I've cried at church, the grocery store, a restaurant, and the dentist. I didn't cry at the library only b/c I avoided eye contact with the gal who checked me out and the fact that I had requested two books and a video about stillbirths was probably a good indicator to her not to ask about my lack of a baby. And I find that putting mascara only on my top lashes helps me from looking like a raccoon when I do cry.
Sharleen,
I'm not sure if you saw my post a few days ago on our board, but my friend's friend wrote a book about the essence of a parents love for their child - in terms a child would understand. She lost two of her three children to a rare neurological disease. Her book is really lovely and the proceeds from the sales will go towards research of this rare disease. Anyway, I'm just throwing this out there since there may be others who are looking for something like this, written by someone else who has been there. Here's the website: http://www.etspublishinghouse.com/Home_Page.html
Erin
Sharleen,
We are starting to receive bills for Felicity's hospital and emergency care, but my husband hasn't been able to put her on our insurance, due to the fact that we don't have a birth certificate only a death certificate. Did you guys deal with this with Joy's medical care? I've been searching online and can't seem to find a whole lot. My email is rschwendinger at hotmail dot com
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