Gratuitous Product Placement

Joy's name seems to be everywhere these days. I see this as a good thing. I find it comforting, not depressing. It could be that I see and hear her name more than normal or it's just that I'm more attuned to it and notice it. Just the other day I got an email from Pottery Barn Kids, as I do quite often since my Mom likes to order stuff for the kids from there, titled "Filled with Joy." I was flipping through the channels Wed. night and ended up watching a show I never watch, "House," because the title was "Joy." Joy was the name of the baby that was born on the episode. No disrespect to those of you who watch that show, but that guy, House, is really irritating. Perhaps that is part of the draw?

I know that Joy is not really a common name for babies these days, but the word joy seems to be used quite often. I must hear it several times a day. I never noticed this before Joy. Even some products I buy and had in the house have her name on them. I think I will make sure I am loyal to these brands from now on. ;) I know...I'm a dork!

Anybody know of any other products?

I had written this post a couple days ago and thought it was kinda silly and wasn't sure if I was gonna share it and then read Rachel's (my new friend) post on her blog today , Home on the Range. She said "but for those of us grieving, seeing the name of our child anywhere means SO MUCH." You are so right, Rachel!

Distraction

I did find out today that my hours were cut, but only by 2 hours a week. The only thing significant about that is going from 32 to 30 hours a week drops me to a part-time employee and I no longer accrue leave time, which really sucks considering I work 6 days a week. The way things are going economically these days in this country, and even worse in the state of Michigan. ...I consider myself blessed to have a job. I am also truly blessed to be able to work from home. So enough said about that.


Today marks 6 weeks since Joy's birth. I wonder if that day will ever come when I don't know how long its been and I have to actually think about it? Knowing myself the way I do I would say...that day will probably never come.


It seems I haven't had a blog entry of substance lately and I would have to blame that on work. Now I understand when some people are going through a difficult time and they throw themselves into their work as a distraction to what they are facing. Honestly, in the 5 weeks I had off after Joy's birth I never once felt like I wanted to work as a distraction from my grief. Just the opposite really. I wanted to feel everything as fully as I could. Nevertheless, being back to work has served as a distraction this past week. I'm not sure if that is a good or a bad thing. This is probably why I was not very eager to get back to "normal." In my mind I don't want to get back to "normal," but the reality is that "normal" happens anyway. Life is going to go on with or without me. The kids are still going to get up around 7:30am, they still require to be fed, clothed, bathed and disciplined. I could go on about all the other things that require my attention, but you get the point. It feels a bit like life is dragging me around by the arm while I'm trying to dig my heels in.

Job Update

Well, we had our phone conference/ meeting and I have no definite answers on how I'm going to be impacted. Basically there are 3 of us ladies that do the same job and our supervisor wants us to consolidate our hours and be able to give up some of our weekly hours so that we all can keep our jobs. Looks like we might have more answers on how we will be impacted come Monday. I'm currently working 32 hours as it is, my hours have already been cut once this year. I'm not happy about that, but I'm pleased to say I still have a job. Typically in a situation like this I'd be complaining, but I know this is a difficult time for everyone and lots of people are losing their jobs, so I feel blessed to still be employed. God is good! I'll update when I get more answers. Thank you for all the prayers!

Prayer Request

I had a quick prayer request and this was the quickest way I knew to get the word out. I just started back to work this week after 5 weeks off after Joy's birth/ death and I got a phone call 15 minutes ago about a work meeting I am to be a part of at 1:30 EST. Apparently it looks as if there might be some cuts coming to my department. Please keep us in your prayers. I have to admit I've thought this might possibly be coming. I don't think I could handle this right now, but I know God is faithful to provide.

Mascara

This is something I avoided for the most part from May up until very recently. To be honest I love to wear make-up, but being as I work from home I rarely put it on throughout the week unless I have an appointment or when we go to church on Sundays. I purposely avoided it. Most notably on Sundays at church when I knew I would likely be welling up with tears and those tears would likely spill over. I've mentioned before that after we got Joy's diagnosis I had a hard time keeping my eyes dry at church particularly during the worship part of the service.

Often times I would mindlessly be putting on my make-up except for the very last part. For me, that was mascara. "Oh, I don't think I need to put this on because I'll probably end up crying and in turn look like a raccoon." Not only would I look like I had been crying, but I'd look like a clown too. So for months I avoided it.

Well the other week I was getting ready for church and without thinking I put mascara on. As soon as I did this I realized what I had done. I thought ...oh well it's too late now I might as well just go with it. Turns out I was just fine. No spillage of tears. You know what...after everything that we have been through this year I just don't care if I look like a clown. I don't care if it is noticeable that I was crying. Me, the over-analyzer was thinking maybe by putting on the mascara it means that I'm getting back to some semblance of "normal" life, but I really think it's more indicative of a small change in me. I'm not so concerned with what other people think anymore. Perhaps part of "not going back to okay?"

Now I know you must be thinking...Sharleen, you know they do make such a thing called waterproof mascara. Yeah, I know, but really I'm so scatterbrained most of the time I never remember stuff like that when I'm at the store. Truth is I wouldn't even care so much about the stuff if I was blessed with thick, long, full lashes like my son. Go figure!

This & That

Okay, before I start in on this post I need to share something with y'all. Sorry, I did live in Alabama for nearly 8 years and occasionally I may let a "y'all" slip. Anyway, if you read my last blog entry you will recall my fascination with the grass seed at Joy's grave site. At church on Sunday Pastor Mark was talking about sowing seed mostly in regards to finances, but also about sowing into people's lives and what did he use as a visual??? That's right....grass seed!! He got a grass seed spreader and filled that puppy up full of grass seed and spread it. Now how awesome is that? To me it was like a confirmation from God about what he is speaking to me.

I have had so many thoughts these days on so many different things that I'm thinking about, dealing with and wondering that I feel like this post won't be very coherent. One thing is that through this blog I have been able to connect with so many other women out there that have gone through the experience of losing a child. Many who have gone before me and walked this road and even a couple who have had to say good bye to their sweet babies since Joy went to be with Jesus. There is this network of women out there who blog like me about their journey, their heartache, their loss, their joy, their hope, and their Saviour. I know a lot of you coming to my blog are getting here by way of some of those blogs. I feel so connected to these women I have never met and I really do need to add their blogs to a blog roll, particularly for those of you going through your own journey so you can see that you are not alone. Okay they are now added to the side bar on the right. If you scroll down you will find them.

I know that reading their blogs often helps me in the emotions I'm dealing with, if for no other reason than knowing that my thoughts and emotions are not as crazy as I once thought. I know they say "misery loves company," but I think it's more like "brokenness loves understanding." Even if you haven't experienced the loss of a child you have certainly gone through something in your life where you have gained strength, insight, support and understanding from someone who has gone through what you have. I think it makes us feel like we are not alone, like we are normal, like someone else has gone through it and they survived. It gives us hope. Well that is much the same thing I'm trying to describe here.

I seem to be a part of this exclusive club of moms who have lost a baby. It's the type of club where nobody is happy about having a new member. I haven't been a part of the club very long, but already I have connected with new members. Not only was I not happy about their memberships, it brought me to tears. I don't want anyone to have to join this club. In fact, it's the type of club that nobody wants to join, but if they do they are pleasantly surprised at the love and support they find within this club. I can guarantee you that all of our children are friends in heaven, sitting at the feet of Jesus having the best time. The funny thing is that though I call these ladies my sisters, we have never met. Our children have met, but we never have. We will one day. If not during this lifetime then in heaven.

Speaking of heaven...since Joy's passing I can't help but feel so much closer to heaven. Not in the physical sense of course, but being more "heaven-minded." I have so many questions.......What is she doing there? Can she see us here on earth? Does she know how much we love her? Is she the same age there as she would have been here on earth? So many questions...so many thoughts. Many people have some conflicting views on some of those questions and it is not my objective to answer any of those just to let you in on my thoughts. Mostly I think about seeing her again one day and holding her. It gives me peace to know that she has a brother or a sister there to play with who I will get to meet for the first time once I arrive.

Elijah has also wondered about seeing Joy again. That is a difficult conversation to have with a 4 year old. In order to answer that it inevitably centers around death and going to heaven. He doesn't understand the concept that we are all going to die one day. It's understandably upsetting to a 4 year old. Every once in a while he surprises me with his questions. I love that he loves to talk about Joy and ask questions. He likes to get into our bed in the morning and often asks "Can we talk about baby Joy?" The other morning he asked if Joy would get lots of toys for her birthday in heaven and thought that Jesus would need to help her with the wrapping paper. ;) And this morning he asked if we could have another baby. Hmmmm

Last Thurs. night I had settled in to watch Grey's Anatomy while Lewis went fishing with a couple friends. I could hear Elijah crying from his bedroom. I just figured he'd probably stop in a couple minutes and I continued watching TV. He was still crying so I went up to check on him. As soon as I opened his door he cried out "Mama, I'm sad about baby Joy" and continued crying. I got in his bed with him and held him. I asked him what was it about baby Joy that made him sad. He said "because she didn't survive." I started to cry with him and he told me that his heart hurts. I prayed with him.

I hadn't seen him cry like this over Joy before. He mentions her most days and always says "I'm sad about baby Joy." He asks a lot of why questions like why did she die etc. It just broke my heart to see him broken like that. It seems so much easier as a mother to nurse the physical hurts. You know....kiss it better, clean it up and put a band aid on it. This is uncharted territory for me. All I know how to do is pray with him, pray over him, give him lots of hugs and kisses and try to explain things in a way in which he understands. That last part is the hardest. Our conversations have a lot of repetition. The same questions and often times the same answers. Please keep us in your prayers. I have a hard enough time as an adult understanding everything. I can't imagine being a 4 year old trying to make sense of it all.

One Month

Written on October 15, 2008. Oct. 15th also happens to be the National Day of Remembrance for pregnancy and infant loss.

It was one month today that Joy was born and went on to be with the Lord. I decided to go to her grave site and spend some time there. It was a cool 65 degrees outside, a beautiful autumn day. The trees were all in full color. I went and sat by her grave stone. I did not purposely go with my Bible, but lucky for me I had it in my car. I have to say as a side note that I have been so hungry these days for the word of God. Hungry to dig into his word either for comfort, for strength, for answers, or for truth. Today was no exception.

I've said before that I've been at a loss for what to pray for these days and the following scripture certainly rings true in my life right now. I heard it quoted on the christian radio station the other day and knew that was for me.

Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. Romans 8:26-27

Boy do I understand "groanings too deep for words." I just said "God I don't know what to pray for...please speak to me, please show me something." I don't know if you are like me when you pray, but often times I never shut up and just listen. It's often a one-sided conversation. I thought since I did not have any words that it might be a good time to try and listen.

I was looking at the ground around Joy's grave stone and was really captivated by the grass seed on the dirt. I noticed that some of the seed had taken root and was starting to sprout up. In other parts the seed just seemed to lay there on top of the earth. Parts of the ground had some cracks in it from lack of moisture. We haven't had much rain these days come to think of it. (We actually just got some after my visit there) I could not get the grass seed out of my head and thought "God, what is the significance of the grass seed that you are trying to show me?"

I opened my Bible and went to the index to find scriptures with the word "seed" in it. The first one I turned to was,1 Peter 1:23-25 For you have been born again, not of perishable seed, but imperishable, through the living and enduring word of God. For, All men are like grass, and all their glory is like the flowers of the field; the grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of the Lord stands forever.

This life is really just a fleeting moment in light of eternity. My life, your life, Joy's life....a fleeting moment. I've never been able to wrap my head around eternity. In fact, the idea of eternity scared me as a child. Nevertheless, if there is one thing that we can hold on to it's God and his word. It never changes. His principles are eternal.

In Luke 8:11-15 it states the meaning of the parable mentioned a few verses earlier: The seed is the word of God. Those along the path are the ones who hear, and then the devil comes and takes away the word from their hearts, so that they may not believe and be saved. Those on the rock are the ones who receive the word with joy when they hear it, but they have no root. They believe for a while, but in the time of testing they fall away. The seed that fell among thorns stands for those who hear, but as they go on their way they are choked by life's worries, riches, pleasures, and they do not mature. But the seed on good soil stands for those with a noble and good heart, who hear the word, retain it, and by persevering produce a crop.
I want my heart to be "good soil" that produces a crop. That is my prayer! That the seeds of truth that are being planted in me during this time would mature, bear fruit and produce a crop. I don't want to be that seed I saw sitting there on the dirt not taking root, not watered, and dried up.

I've always felt close to God in nature. Admiring his creation. I mean who can look at some of the most awesome things in nature and deny his existence? At least this is how I have always felt. Just look at the majesty of the rocky mountains, the power of Niagara Falls, it takes my breath away. Some of my greatest "quiet times" with the Lord have been outside. I had a place on the campus of the University of Toronto, when I was a student there, that I liked to retreat to in order to gather my thoughts, pray, etc. I called it my grassy knoll. Not to be confused with the grassy knoll referred to in the assassination of JKF. I digress...you get the point....let me get on with my visit to the grave site.

The maple tree close to Joy's grave site had the most brilliant red leaves. I would venture to say it had the most brilliant bright leaves of any of the trees in the cemetery. The red leaves were strewn about on the ground and I tucked a few in my Bible to take with me. Something I noticed as I was driving out was that most of the rest of the leaves in the cemetery all appeared to be dry and brittle with a brownish yellow hue. You know...the kind of leaves that crunch when you step on them. The red leaves on the ground below the maple tree were not only bright red, but they were flexible, not crisp. Not sure the significance of all that, but it was just one of the details I picked up on. For some reason it brought me joy.

Anyway, back to sitting there on the ground....I could feel the wind all around me. Leaves were falling from the trees like snowflakes falling from the sky in winter. It was quite beautiful. In the wind I could so strongly feel the presence of God. Just as God gave me that beautiful vision when Joy was born, today he gave me another. As I could feel the wind blowing against my left cheek I envisioned God holding Joy up under her arms to give me a kiss on the cheek. What a sweet wind. I could feel it cooling the tears running down my face. Not thinking of this at the time, but later realizing that wind has often been used as a symbol for the Holy Spirit. Not only that, but we know from scriptures that the Holy Spirit is our comforter. I certainly felt comforted!

I really thought I was going there to have a good cry. I did cry some, but even more than that I left with peace and a little more joy!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
With all the talk about leaves I thought I'd post some recent pics of the kids enjoying the leaves.

The red leaves I brought home.

Did I say enjoying the leaves?



Look close. Yes, that is a piece of leaf in her mouth. Yum!

Never Going Back to Okay

I think I need to clarify a bit. I know the title of this post sounds a tad depressing, but I have a new take on it. Well, new in the sense that I'm looking at it in a different light. I've listened to this Christian song before and thought "ya, that's right ...I'm never going back to okay." I saw this as a bad thing because when I think about the past it's the recent past I think about. My past where Joy was still safe inside my belly and I could feel her move. The past where I was holding her, kissing her, talking to her, breathing her in. The past where our family was all together.....Lewis, me, Elijah, Phoebe, and Joy! Granted it was in the hospital and Joy wasn't alive, but we were still together if even only for the blink of an eye.

My last post "Life on Mars" alluded to this concept of never going back to the ways things were. As we were driving back home from church yesterday the song "Never Going Back to Okay" was playing on the radio. It's really kind of a groovy song. (Yes, I said groovy.) It truly is a positive message really, but I was looking at it like a bad thing. God was showing me that not going back to okay wasn't a bad thing. In my grief I suppose it's normal to reflect back on that time. That period of time between March and September, particularly since May 2 when we knew there was something wrong with her. It's just a fact that there won't ever be a day that goes by where I don't think about my sweet Joy. The last thing I want to do is get stuck in a funk of just looking backwards with sorrow. Obviously that will happen now and then, but I really am trying to focus on the joyful aspects of all of this. That may sound very strange to some of you but.......the joy of the Lord is my strength! Nehemiah 8:10

I don't ever regret for a moment carrying Joy in my womb for as long as God allowed it. 30 weeks and one day to be exact. The pain and heartbreak was worth having her in our lives, even it is was very brief. I feel so blessed to be able to call her my daughter. She was no less a gift from God than my other children. She has changed my life for the better and so I can say that I'm never going back to "okay" and that's okay with me. I mean "okay" isn't so great anyway. I want better than "okay." Plus, just going back to "okay" would not honor Joy's life now would it?


By the way, I just added the song to my playlist at the bottom of this page.

Never Going Back to Okay
Performed by The Afters

It's not the end
But it feels like it is
I'm waking up
Like I'm back from the dead
I'm stepping out
And I feel so afraid
But as long as I'm moving it's all right
I feel alive
And it hurts for a change
And looking back
and it's hard to believe
That I was cool
With the days that I wasted
complacent and tasteless and bored
but That was yesterday

We're never going back to OK
We're never going back to easy
We're never going back to the way it was
We're never going back to OK

This discontent
Like a slap in the face
Of mediocre
I've had enough of this place
This party's over
And I'm moving away from the frills of you Beverly Hills
but that was yesterday

We're never going back to OK
We're never going back to easy
We're never going back to the way it was
We're never going back to OK

We're here to stay
This is our time
Our only life
Our chance to live

We're never going back to OK
We're never going back to easy
We're never going back to the way it was
We're never going back to OK

Life on Mars

Don't be fooled by my lack of posting this week. I have a lot of thoughts these days, but few words to express what I am feeling.

I checked out that new show on TV last night called "Life on Mars." It was alright, but I couldn't help but think about the title of the show and the storyline behind it. "Life on Mars" is a good way to describe how I feel these days. The main character, a police detective, is living in the year 2008, gets hit by a car, and somehow is in transported to 1973. There are some familiar things to him in 1973 and some parallels to what he was dealing with in 2008 and from what I can gather he is trying to find his way back to 2008.

I guess that is kinda how I am feeling these days since Joy's birth/ death. Like I am in a life that is very similar to the one I had before that, but it's very different at the same time. Somehow I'm trying to figure out how to get back there, but I know it will never be the same as I knew it before.

With that said, I found a quote on a website of poetry regarding baby loss. This passage is apparently from a bereavement book. It is untitled and no author is mentioned. I was struck by how much this quote really captured what I've been feeling and kinda what I just expressed.

When my baby died, I felt as though I was suddenly caught up in a tornado whirlwind, spinning around in circles and upside down, finally dropping at lightening speed back to earth, but in a totally different place from where I was first picked up, and unable to find my way back to the place I had been before. That place no longer exists.

Hmmmm, kinda reminds me of "The Wizard of OZ." Anyway, you get the point. I'm not much of a poetry buff, but I found a few poems that really express what I am feeling these days. Their words are much more eloquent than mine

Untitled

Author Unknown
A million times we'll miss you,

a million times we'll cry.

If loving could have saved you,

you never would have died.

In life we love you dearly,

In death we love you too.

In our hearts there is an empty place,

no one could fill but you.

It broke our hearts to lose you,

but you never went alone.

for part of us went with you,

when God took you home.

His garden must be pretty,

he only wants the best.

He put his loving arms around you and said:

"My child, come home to rest".

Untitled

Author Unknown
I think about you day and night and wonder "Why Me?",

I wanted you so very much my precious baby.

At least I had the chance to hold you and feel your touch.

And to tell you to remember Mommy loves you very much.

I know they say with time the pain will go away.

But my love and memories for you will always stay.

I wanted so much to hear you laugh and cry,

so many dreams have just passed me by.

I know I must let go and begin to move on,

but I don't know how to say goodbye...

Dear Mommy

by Darlene Browning
Dear Mommy,

I just wanted to let you know that I made it home.

The journey wasn't an easy one,

but it didn't take too long.

Everything is so pretty here,

so white, so fresh and new.

I wish that you could close your eyes

and that you could see it too.

Please try not to be sad for me...Try to understand.

God is taking care of me... I'm in the shelter of His hands.

Here there is no sadness, no sorrow, and no pain.

Here there is no crying, and I'll never hurt again.

Here it is so peaceful when all the angels sing,

I really have to go now-I've just got to try my wings!

REMEMBERING

by Elizabeth Dent

Go ahead and mention my child.
The one that died, you know.
Don't worry about hurting me further.
The depth of my pain doesn't show.
Don't worry about making me cry.
I'm already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing
The tears that I try to hide.
I'm hurt when you just keep silent,
Pretending she didn't exist.
I'd rather you mention my child,
Knowing that she has been missed.
You asked me how I was doing.
I say "pretty good" or "fine".
But healing is something ongoing.
I feel it will take a lifetime.

Weakness

I've found it a little more difficult to post this week. Lewis has stolen his laptop back so now when I want to get on the computer I have to go all the way down to the basement to use my desktop. Never before have I felt a desire to have a laptop. I can assure you my next computer will be just that.

Anyway...life goes on here. As much as I would like to hide myself away sometimes it's just too hard to do with two young kids. This week has felt the most normal (so far) for me since Joy's birth...whatever "normal" is? Part of me feels bad for saying that, almost guilty for getting on with my life, even though most of the time I don't feel like moving on. I want to wallow in self-pity. It's a constant battle. More on that later...

I am now finally allowed to physically pick up my kids. Of course this was not such a big deal with Elijah since he is 4 and doesn't require a lot of picking up, but I know Phoebe was mad at me for a while. I'm sure my time in the hospital and then back home where I could not pick her up was hard for her to understand. She did often seem angry with me. All is well now. It feels so good to be able to pick both kids up now if I need to.

I went to the doctor's on Thursday for my post op appointment. I guess all is healing as well as can be expected. I still have some numbness close to the incision and I'm praying to regain feeling there by the time I completely heal. Gotta go back at the end of the month and that should be it.

I had a chance to ask my doctor some things I was a little fuzzy on regarding Joy and her abnormalities. I don't believe I've mentioned it here before, but Lewis and I chose not to have an autopsy done on Joy. For us personally, we did not feel that it would have provided us with any more answers than we already had. We knew from the CVS testing that she did not have any chromosomal disorders. We also knew about the fluid around her heart and brain from the ultrasounds. We also learned some new things after her birth, like her having a right leg (Praise God!) and which organs had developed outside of her abdomen, and how she was connected to the placenta. To let you know, it was her liver, intestines, and bladder that developed on the outside of her little body and she was attached to the placenta by way of her liver. Other details I am choosing not to share with the whole world.

Bottom line is we did not feel an autopsy, in Joy's case, would have given us any more significant details than we already had. The more significant questions I have...well...we've gone over that before haven't we? Only God has those answers.

I'm realizing that as I go on in this journey and deal with my grief that choosing joy is a daily choice. Quite honestly, it is a daily struggle. Some days I have to fight for that joy a little harder than others. Countless numbers of you have commented how strong I am, how brave I am etc. I really have to point you to Jesus, because without Him, none of what seems strong and brave to you would be remotely possible. I just really felt the need to make that clear here.

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. 2 Corinthians 12:9

Some Comic Relief

Anyone who has seen me in the past week and a half will attest to the massive scab hovering just below my lip. Sounds gross right? Well, to be honest...it is.

It started to develop the afternoon of Joy's funeral. It started out as a cluster of tiny bumps and had that "tingly" feeling. At first I thought I was breaking out with a couple zits and then thought it to be more of the feeling you get when a cold sore first starts. Well once I started applying the cold sore medicine it quickly scabbed. Okay Sharleen, you said it was massive? Yes, we are not talking your average facial scab. This thing is easily the size of a dime. Mind you it is slowly getting smaller, but not nearly as fast as I would like.


As nasty as it sounds, it looks ever worse. However, I must say it has no doubt provided us all with some much needed comic relief. Lewis has joked how it looks like a piece of chocolate and how I could always just walk around with my hand covering that side of my mouth. We've compared how it looked like the BBQ sauce Lewis had on his mouth after eating his ribs the other day, although not as shiny. I've sworn that this thing has a life of it's own and even it's own pulse. Phoebe has been pointing to it for days. My neighbor, Sarah, suggested that perhaps I should name it. LOL I have to admit I've even been tossing some names around in my head. People no longer look me in the eyes when they are talking to me. I mean who can blame them? It's kinda like a train wreck...you just can't look away.



Okay, I know what you are thinking....this girl really has lost it. Perhaps, but no doubt it has provided many a friends and family a good laugh. I certainly don't take myself too seriously that I can't laugh at myself and recognize how silly I look these days. Sorry, no pictures. I may be crazy, but I'm not stupid!

**Update: I wrote this a couple days ago and as of today the scab fell off! Now I just pray the redness goes away and I am left with no scar.

Joy's Garden & Headstone Pictures

Lewis breaks the ground with a sod cutter. The best $25 ever spent for a rental.

Elijah and our dog Isabel want to help.

Lewis is always so safety minded. Great foot protection, no to mention fashion statement.

If you can tell from the pictures...we made the garden heart-shaped.
We planted a weeping mulberry tree, sandcherry bushes, black-eyed susans, a knock-out rose bush, and stella de oro daylillies.

A different angle. We still need to put down mulch and are thinking of lining the garden with rocks. I'll update pics as we do more work on it.

The headstone just got put in the other day. I went yesterday to Joy's grave site to see the completed headstone for the first time.

I'm really happy with the way it turned out.


Looks like someone planted this and put the little statue of an angel holding a bunny in front of Joy's headstone.


I went by myself yesterday as the kids were napping and Lewis was home with them. I had myself a good cry. I told God I was at a loss for what to pray for. Joy no longer needs my prayers as she is with him. I did not want to pray for healing of my heart...I'm not ready for that yet. I just wanted him to give her a big hug and a kiss for me and to let her know how much I miss and love her and look forward to holding her again one day in heaven.

I cried so much I gave myself a splitting headache. I haven't had one like that in years. You know the kind where any kind of light, sound or movement make you absolutely miserable? Well, that is the kind.....almost migraine like really. I slept if off last night and woke up without one.