Two Weeks

It's been 14 days, two weeks.

I wonder how long I'm going to continue to measure time like this? Knowing me, I'll probably always measure time like this. Even more so I'll think about how old Joy would have been and what she would have been doing given her age. I'm sure that is normal too.


The other day was the first day I drove since I had Joy, the first day I went to the grocery store, and a couple of other firsts. I've always kinda measured monumental experiences in this regard for some reason. I assume other people do this sort of thing? I don't know.


Things since her birth/death are changing. It has turned from summer to fall. Leaves are starting to fall from the trees. The flowers that people have sent are starting to wilt. My milk is now drying up. My incision is healing, although it still hurts at times. I guess I'm supposed to get on with normal life, although I do have 3 more weeks off of work. Part of me doesn't want to get on with normal life. I mean what is "normal" after this? Everything seems so mundane. It's like I want to stay frozen in time. Where I can look around my house and everywhere be reminded of Joy. From the flowers, the cards, the meals people have brought for us, the maternity clothes I am no longer wearing, the thank you cards I still need to write and send. I want to stay in time where my memories of her will still be so vivid. Part of me wants to stay grieving and not move on. To continue to feel that fresh wound.


Boy that sounds so depressing and sadistic. Is this a normal way to feel after losing someone? They say that grief comes in waves, and it certainly does. I experienced this even while I was pregnant with Joy. Some days were okay and others not so much. I suppose I can expect this for quite sometime.


It's so easy to get caught up in the grief and I know at this point in time it is expected. The tears feeling healing. They feel cleansing. Have you ever noticed how songs often use the metaphor of rain and storms to depict pain and difficult times? Many of the songs on my play list are about rain and storms. I mean anyone who has ever taken a literature course knows that water signifies rebirth.


Think about how much we need the rain to produce crops and to sustain life. In order to produce "fruit" in our lives, we all need a little rain. Not many of us actually like the rain, but I think it's safe to say that we all enjoy the benefits of it....green grass, beautiful flowers, delicious fruit and veggies to name a few. While it's raining we often complain, think about how we would rather be outside doing something we enjoy. It sometimes makes us want to hibernate and curl up in bed. Heck, the rain itself can sometimes be pretty depressing, especially if it has been raining for days on end. I suppose the same can be said for the rain that comes into our lives for a season. The trials, the difficult times that we all experience one time or another.


One of the first scriptures that kept coming to mind as we started to go through this journey was James 1:2-4. I love how it mentions joy and this was even before we knew we were having a girl and named her Joy. Cool huh?


Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trails of many kinds, because you know the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must first finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.


The whole first chapter of James has some great stuff it it. Read it.


For some reason this scripture has grabbed me for years. Mostly during my university days. I guess maybe I thought I had some difficult times back then? LOL I don't know. Or I think maybe I thought it such a strange scripture. I mean come on.......consider it pure joy when you face trials??? Does anything sound more abnormal than this? Perhaps as I am nearing my ...uh em *clearing my throat*...mid 30's it's not so hard to see how difficult times have brought great growth in my life. This is probably more difficult to see in your very early 20's unless you've been through a lot and have gained some insight.


I'm not sure why I'm writing all this. I suppose part of me writes this to encourage you if you are facing difficult times and part of me writes this to remind myself. If I didn't have Jesus carrying me through, I don't really know how I would cope.


Do you guys remember that poem "Footprints in the Sand?" It seems pretty fitting in light of my last thought. I, like many of you probably read this a hundred times and thought..."Oh, that's nice", but I could never fully relate like I can now.


Footprints in the Sand


One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there was one only.
This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods
of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints, so I said to the Lord,
“You promised me Lord,that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life
there has only been one set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”
The Lord replied, “The years when you have seen only one
set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you.”


Mary Stevenson, 1936


Does this post seem as much like a jumbled mess to you as it does to me? I'm not quite sure that I completely finished a coherent thought. Let just say I'm writing in a stream of consciousness.


Before I end this post I wanted to share some pictures from my camera. More to come later.


We are quite the motley crew. This has to be one of the few pictures ever where Phoebe is cooperating and nobody else is. LOL


Elijah loving on Joy.


Lewis, Elijah, and Joy.


Phoebe looks at her little sister.


Baby Joy





Joy and I at the funeral home.


The balloon release in our backyard.

Limiting God

I have to thank those of you who have left comments on my blog, sent me messages via Facebook, and the many emails I have received. I'm not able to keep up and respond to all of them at this time, but I want to let you all know that I've read them all and appreciate all the prayers that are being offered up on our behalf.

I've also gotten several emails from friends, family, and people I've never met letting me know how they are being impacted by Joy's life and the work God is doing through her. I have to say that as her mother...I could not ask for anything greater than this. At a time like this it brings me great comfort and joy to know that my daughter, who never took one breathe on this earth is touching people beyond the grave. That's all Jesus! He knew the plans he had for her since the beginning of time, as he did for all of us.


Psalms 139:13-16
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.


God never had any other plan for Joy's life than what took place that day. As unfair as it may seem and as heartbreaking as it's all been...it's been one huge lesson on learning to trust God and His ways. Like I've said before He has bigger plans for her than Lewis and I, as her parents, ever could. God reaches far beyond our expectations. On that note, I have to admit my short-sightedness when I first began this blog. I had hoped that possibly one day my journey might benefit someone else dealing with a similar experience. How silly of me to limit God and what he can do!


Ephesians 3:20
Now to him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think,
according to the power that works in us.


I guess that scripture verse pretty much sums it up eh? To my detriment I've always kinda been a "glass half empty" kinda gal, which has served me well with putting God in a box and putting limits on what I thought possible. I think it's safe to say that is changing.

It's so amazing to me how God has brought certain scriptures to mind to back up what He is showing me. I am by no means a scripture guru. I knew part of how that last scripture went and had to google what I knew to find out where it was in the Bible. It was deep in me some where. ;) Funny how that happens...

Finding Joy

A couple friends had sent me this short video on finding joy. Sit back relax and enjoy! It's beautiful and inspirational. Thanks Erin and Robin!

WWW.FINDINGJOYMOVIE.COM

Prayer Request

What can I say? When it rains it pours.
I need your prayers. As you know, I'm still healing from the c-section. Lewis has been wonderful taking care of me and the kids allowing me the time I need to heal. Although the incision looks great, it is still painful. What has made things worse is that I have some chest congestion going on, which requires me to cough. You can imagine how painful it is to cough when your stomach has been cut open and you are trying to heal from that. Let's just say it hurts a lot. Not to sound like a baby, but it hurts to cough, laugh, or cry.

I called my doctor's office yesterday, explained my symptoms, and they called in a prescription for a Z-pack (antibiotic). I'm praying this clears it up and I am able to heal without the distraction of a cough etc.

Thanks for your prayers.

Joy's Birth Story

Let me try to do this day justice by recounting for you the day Joy was born.

Sept. 15, 2008

Shortly before 2:00am I wake up in my bed wet. I immediately think that my water broke. I won't relay all the details for you, but I was pretty sure this was my water breaking. My water broke with both Elijah and Phoebe so I've had some experience. Lewis and I quickly gathered some things, called our neighbor Sarah who was so awesome and got here ASAP to be here with the kids.

We went to the hospital and they brought me back to triage hooked me up to a monitor etc. I won't go into all the details because that first experience at the hospital was less than favorable. We ended up coming back home because the nurse could not get a positive reading for amniotic fluid after trying to get 2 samples. She basically told me I probably peed myself. I really thought I was losing my mind and of course second guessed myself. We went back home, went back to sleep where I felt more water.

I returned to the hospital at 10:00am where it was confirmed pretty quickly that in fact my water did break. My doc, Amanda, was already at the hospital scheduled to perform another c-section and told me she could do mine in about an hour. I couldn't believe this was all happening so fast. Of all the possible things I thought would happen when Joy was going to arrive I did not anticipate my water breaking at 30 weeks. We were not prepared to say the least. To be honest, I wasn't prepared with my other two and they both went to 40 weeks. Like I've said before, I'm a pro at procrastination.

I should also tell you that Joy continued to have a heartbeak this whole time. Mind you it was still irregular. It seemed to fluctuate between 100-150 beats per minute. It was a pretty overwhelming and emotional time. Amanda offered for me to be asleep during the c-section as she thought it would be pretty tramatic. I absolutely wanted to be awake, I did not want to miss one second with Joy. After getting the kids situated Lewis arrived. We got a hold of my Mom who was in Niagara Falls at the time to let her know what was going on. She and her dear friend Jill were quickly on their way to be with us.

They prepped me for the c-section. This was my first one. I had the quickest and easiest epidural ever! Lewis and I had some amazing people in the room with us. Dr. Amanada Hurtubise, Dr. Tseng, Becky (the most awesome, compassionate and caring L&D nurse ever who made this experience easier by her presence) and Berdetta, another amazing nurse that was there who also assisted in the L&D of Phoebe when se was born. I felt very taken care of.

Having a c-section is a strange sensation, if you've ever had one you know what I'm talking about. I felt no pain, but felt pulling, tugging, pressure, etc. Lewis let me know when they were about to get Joy out. It literally felt like they were ripping her out of me. As this was happening I closed my eyes, tears were running down my face and God gave me the most beautiful vision. I saw Jesus bent down on one knee with his arms outstretched and Joy running into his arms. In the midst of my heart breaking I had peace knowing that Joy was now made perfect and safe in the arms of our loving Father.

Joy did not cry at all, she did not take a breath, she was what you would consider stillborn. To my knowledge she had a heartbeat up until the time they wheeled me into the OR. She had a few movements and Becky told us that it was a reflex action, but they were precious to me regardless. If you remember me saying in my earlier posts that the doctors at Beaumont Hospital (the specialists) near Detroit told us at 13 weeks that Joy was missing a right leg. Nobody was ever able to locate a right leg or femur bone. Guess what??? She had both legs!!!! I cried when Lewis told me that. The best part about it is that her little right foot, the foot that was not supposed to be there, made better footprints than her left foot.

Joy was beautiful! She was born at 11:57am. To me she looked like her big sister Phoebe when she was born only much smaller. Joy was 2lbs 0oz, 12.5 inches long. She had stawberry blonde hair. The most perfect little face. Some people think her eyes were blue, although I thought it hard to tell. Both her brother and sister have blue eyes so that is very possible.

They wheeled me to our room and shortly after Amanda and Becky arrived with Joy in the most beautiful white dress with pink rosettes and a little knit hat. We spent the entire day holding her and loving her. Sharing her with our dear friends and family that came to visit with us in the hospital. We had professional pictures done. I had Joy in the bed with me as I slept that night. Or as I tried to sleep between Lewis' snoring and all the emotions of the day I didn't get much sleep.

For those of you who don't know, I had my 34th birthday that next day. Joy was born the day before my birthday. For a while leading up to Joy's birth I had a fear that she might possibly be born around my birthday. I thought it would be so depressing and tragic, but ya know what? I didn't feel that way. I thought it to be a blessing and a special gift. At first I was a little disappointed that she wasn't born on the same day, but realized she needed her very own special day just for her and nobody else. I got to spend the first half of my birthday with her. We were going to let her go sooner, but I did not want her waiting in the morg by herself until someone from the funeral home came to get her.

Elijah and Phoebe got to spent some time with Joy on both days. Phoebe, being just shy of 20 months really did not understand at all what was going on. Elijah was so loving towards Joy. He held her, kissed her, and loved on her. My Mom and Jill, a good friend of our family, were amazing. They took great care of our kids while we were in the hospital. Cleaned our house etc. My brother, Brennan, even helped out some and spent one night at our home, which he never does.;) They all dropped everything to be with us.

It's now been a week since that day. I don't know that it is getting any easier. I try to focus on the fact that she is now made whole, happy, and will never know anything but love. She was just too perfect for this world. I just can't help but be selfish and think of how much I wished she was here with us. My heart just aches.

A couple pictures of Joy

I couldn't wait to share these pictures. There will be more to come as I get them. Jaclyn, a photographer, who volunteers with "Now I lay me down to sleep," http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.com/ volunteered her time and talents to take pictures of Joy. Not only did Jaclyn do a great job she was caring and compassionate. I'll post more as I get them.

Peace that passes understanding

Before I post the story of how Joy came into this world I wanted to let everyone one know what a beautiful day yesterday was. We buried our baby girl yesterday. It was a very hard day in some respects, but even more it was a day of great peace. A greater peace than I ever expected. I think I truly now know the meaning of the "peace that passes understanding." It's just that....the peace I felt doesn't make sense in light of what we just went through. That is the peace that only Jesus can bring.

As we were entering the cemetery in the processional the song "Held" by Natalie Grant was playing on the christian radio station. This is another song that has really touched my heart during my months with Joy. A couple years ago when I had a miscarriage in Feb. 2006 it also brought me great comfort. Ironically enough a friend of mine emailed me the lyrics the night before the funeral.
_______________________________________
Held By Natalie Grant

Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays Is appalling.
Who told us we'd be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens To us who have died to live?
It's unfair.

Chorus:
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was When everything fell we'd be held.

This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred know our sorrow.
The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was When everything fell we'd be held.

Bridge:
If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was When everything fell we'd be held.
_________________________________________________

I thought I would be a complete mess...there were some tears of course and there is bound to be a lot more to come, but there was a peace. Like I said, I can't explain it. Jesus was there, He was holding us. I felt held. I was stregthened by the friends and family that stood by our side and felt the power of everyone lifting us up in prayer. There were friends and family we had known for many years, some friends we are just getting to know, and a couple people that we had just met that day.

It was a beautiful day, warmer than had been expected. We had a viewing so that everyone could see just how beauitful Joy was. What was even more beautiful was how much her little life had impacted so many. Not just the people who were with us that day, but eveyone who knows about Joy's story. I could not help but think that some people live an entire lifetime not making an impact like Joy has and I believe it has only just begun.

I have to share with you something that Elijah, my 4 year old, asked me as we were standing there looking at Joy. He said "Mama, is this heaven?" It nearly broke my heart. What a sweet boy...we had talked about how Joy is in heaven with Jesus and we had not seen her in a couple days so I guess he thought we were in heaven. I can only imagine how hard it is for such a young child to understand all this when I can barely make sense of it all myself.

We had a simple, but beautiful service for her graveside. Our Pastor, Mark Wargo, officiated. Lewis insisted on being the one to put her tiny casket in the ground as well as bury her. At first I thought it kinda strange. Not that I know what is strange or not in situations like this. Like I've said before, I don't have a lot of experience with death and funerals. I soon realized that this seemed to be his way to taking care of his little girl, not leaving the chore to someone who does not know her. A Daddy (or Papa as he likes to be called) who's heart is broken wanting to feel like he could do something for his little Joy.

Another touching part of the day for me was after the funeral at our home. My mom had purchased I think about 17 or 18 ballons before the funeral that we were going to release. Well, the time came for that and we all took markers and wrote messages to Joy. I thought it was a "neat" idea, but was not prepared for how moved I was going to be. We all let them go at the same time. The ballons all stayed in a pack drifting into the sky. I imagined Joy receiving them in heaven and having so much fun playing with them.

I want to thank the members of our family who started us with a tree and many beautiful plants for the garden in our backyard that we are starting in memory of Joy. I will post about this more in the future....with pictures to come.

Lastly, I want to thank the many people who have supported us in prayer, in words of encouragement, and in acts of kindness. There are no words to express how much we love and appreciate you all. May you be abundanlty blessed!!

Philippians 4:7
And the peace of God, that transcends all understanding,
will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

Into the arms of Jesus

Just wanted to let everyone know that I went into labor this past Monday, Sept. 15, 2008. Joy Elizabeth was born at 11:57am by wasy of c-section. She had a heartbeat up until the time of delivery and quickly ran into the arms of Jesus. She weighed 2lbs and was 12.5 inches long. She was gorgeous! We got to spend 24 hours with her in our room just loving on her. We bury her on Fri. Sept. 19th.

I'm still in the hospital now and should be getting out today. Please keep me and my family in your prayers this is a very difficult time for us right now. I'll post more details in the next few days.

Love and blessings to all of you.

Praise You in this Storm

I just wanted to share one of the songs that has really spoken to me during this time with Joy. Read the lyrics and you'll understand why. I cannot hear this song without crying. As a matter of fact, even after sitting here and just reading the lyrics I cannot maitain a dry eye.

It is truly how I feel. Even though my heart is torn...I will praise you in this storm.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Praise You in This Storm~~Casting Crowns

words by Mark Hall/music by Mark Hall and Bernie Herms



I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down

and wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day.

But once again, I say amen and it's still raining

as the thunder rolls

I barely hear You whisper through the rain,

"I'm with you"

and as Your mercy falls I raise my hands

and praise the God who gives and takes away.



Chorus:

And I'll praise you in this storm

and I will lift my hands

for You are who You are

no matter where I am

and every tear I've cried

You hold in your hand

You never left my side

and though my heart is torn

I will praise You in this storm



I remember when I stumbled in the wind

You heard my cry to You

and raised me up again

my strength is almost gone

how can I carry on if I can't find

You and as the thunder rolls

I barely hear You whisper through the rain

"I'm with you"

and as Your mercy falls

I raise my hands

and praise the God who gives and takes away



Chorus



I lift my eyes onto the hills

where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord,

the maker of heaven and earth

I lift my eyes onto the hills

where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord,

the maker of heaven and earth



Chorus

We have movement

I thought I should post and let those who read my blog know that Joy was moving around last night and some this morning. Not tons of movement, but unfortunately that seems to be the norm for her. Obvioulsy, it will be something I'll have to continue to monitor in the upcoming weeks. She's a fighter, but I really wish she didn't have to be.

Update

I had an OB appt. this morning. Amanda, my OB, had a hard time finding Joy's heartbeat at first and then when she found it it sounded kinda irregular and slow. Amanda said it sounded like the heart was skipping some beats. She was going to try and get me set up for a quick ultrasound, but wouldn't ya know it the stupid machine was being worked on. She listened a little more with the doppler to her heartbeat and it was still slow beating at about 80-100 beats per minute and got up to the 140-150 range, which is where she normally is. Amanda said normally they would likely send me to the hospital and hook me up to a monitor to see what is going on and if need be deliver the baby. She also said we don't know necessarily what is going on when we are not listeing to the heartbeat. She suggested that if I feel no movement for about 12-24 hours to come in for an u/s or go to labour and delivery if it is at night.

I'm not really sure what to think. Joy has not been moving much today, although she seems to be more active at night. I guess I'll just see what happens tonight and go in tomorrow if I need to. This is my worst fear...something happening while Lewis is out of town. I'm doing fine though, I'm not anticipating the worst at this point. Please just keep us in your prayers.

Something of interest Amanda did say was that if Joy is still in a breach position come 36 weeks they will likley go ahead and schedule a c-section around that time. That brings us to the last week in October. Now if we can see eye to eye on when the real due date is. I say it is Nov. 23 and according to their handy cycle wheel I should be due around Nov. 15. Not to sound like a "know it all," but I really do know better in this case regarding the cycle I had while I conceived Joy. It was longer than normal. I've been right with all my kids and their due dates when doctors have always marked my due date as sooner than it really was. Anyway, it's not that big of a deal, but I'm such a stickler for details.

I can't believe how fast things are moving along. It really makes me sad to think that Joy may only be alive inside of me for another 6 weeks. I just want to keep her safe inside of me, but I really don't know that she is safe in there either. If her heart is beating irregularly it sounds like she may be in distress? This really sucks!

First Steps

I have to post that my 19 month old daughter, Phoebe, has officially taken her first steps! It happened on Friday and she has done it everyday since then...5 days in a row. Yes, I said she is 19 months!!! Talk about a late bloomer! Nobody is more excited than me. It gets quite exhausting having to carry around a 24 pound child when you are 29 weeks pregnant. It's really only an issue when we are not at home...well except for those darn stairs. Ugh! I'm hoping and praying that in the next month the walking will be a full-time gig for her. She has become quite proficient in scooting on her butt. For those of you have seen it first hand it's quite a sight. For months now she has been wearing thin her pants and shorts on her right butt cheek and I must say they get quite dirty. Many are permanently stained. Anyway, I'm just happy there seems to be an end, or should I say a beginning, in sight!

Anger?

I am in heartburn hell right now. Nothing I seem to do will make it go away. Any suggestions besides the obvious...Tums and milk? Ugh! I thought eating some Twizzlers couldn't hurt. Boy, was I wrong...made it worse. I have to admit the heartburn with Joy is not nearly as bad as it was with Elijah and Phoebe, or at least not as consistent. Anyway...week 29 is here. Joy is still moving around nice and cozy in my uterus. I swear sometimes she must think she lives in a crazy house! She has probably been freaked out a couple times this past week with crying children in her ear. For some reason Elijah and Phoebe's heads end up on my belly, particularly Elijah's and he is the loudest, when they are upset. No one can scream like my son. I think it is supposed to be crying, but it really sounds like a scream. You know the kind of scream that makes your hair stand on end? That's the one! Anyway, Joy is probably wondering what kinda crazy family is she a part of?

Lewis is gone this week on business. This is supposed to be the last trip for sometime considering we don't know when Joy is going to decide to make an appearance. Based on the my doc's previous experience of one case and another lady whom I have connected with online who had a son with limb body wall complex (LBWC) they delivered at 31 and 32 weeks. I did find something while net surfing the other day about a baby who was delivered at 36 weeks. All babies were delivered stillborn. Interestingly enough I've had a couple people ask me this week if I would consider being induced early or I suppose in my case scheduling a c-section early to be able to possibly have some time with Joy alive. You know I never really gave that consideration. Partially because I was not sure how long she would survive inside my womb and also because my doctor thinks her lungs will not be developed properly due to the abdominal wall defect. She really thinks that it is highly unlikely she will ever take a breath. Honestly, at this point I'm not considering scheduling anything early. If we are getting into the 34th, 35th and 36th week of pregnancy where a normal baby's lungs would be very close to being fully developed I may prayerfully consider it. As much as I would love even a few precious moments with her while she was alive, part of me wonders if that is selfish. As without a miracle inducing labor would essentialy lead to her death or at least possibly make that time come sooner. Outside of a miracle I have little evidence to believe that if we were to induce early that we would even get that time with her alive. Ultimately, Jesus has the final say on how this will all play out.

My first OB appt. after the LBWC diagnosis was hard because for some reason I was thinking I might at least get a few minutes with her alive. I hadn't up until that point heard anything either way, but when I asked my OB and she told me that she didn't believe that she would even take a breath I was devastated. I recall driving home by myself crying and yelling at God that I just wanted 5 minutes...was that too much to ask? 5 minutes? After I gained my composure I made peace with the fact that Jesus is in control and the doctors can speculate and take their best guess as to what is going to happen, but again He has the final say.

If you're wondering am I or was I ever angry at God so far during this journey my answer would have to be...I'm not sure. I thought for a while I was angry at Him. I have certainly toyed with the emotion of anger toward God. I don't know that I ever came to an understanding if I was truly angry at him or just extremely disappointed? Just like I never questioned Him before this, I don't think I ever felt anger towards Him. Perhaps part of it is anger. Not in the sense of turning my back on Him and going my own way, but anger in the "why?" I feel this a lot while at church, most noteably during the worship part of the service. I find it so hard to get through most songs without tears. We sing about what an awesome, powerful, loving, gracious God we serve and I agree, but in the back of my mind I think...Yes God you are all that and I believe it ....so why is this happening, this doesn't have to happen...it's not too late for a miracle.

When I think of people in the Bible who went through a difficult time I immediately think of Job. I mean if I think I'm going through a difficult time...I've got nothing on Job. His sons and daughters were killed, his livestock were killed, he was afflicted with painful sores, judged by his friends to name but a few. He certainly expressed a lot of anger towards God. It was certainly poetic, but angry nonetheless. While reading this I came across one of those handy Bible indexes titled "Is it wrong to be angry with God?" To my surprise it said....No. The problem comes when legitimate feelings of anger are not handled correctly and lead to inappropriate bitterness and rebellion that sometimes accompany anger. The Bible realistically portrays the frustration and anger of God's people when things go wrong or when they cannot understand why certain things happen. This was the reason for Job's anger. Not only did he feel he was being treated unjustly by God, but he could get no explanation from him. Though his suffering caused many questions and anguish, he went too far when he insisted that he had a right to an explanation. In the end, God spoke to Job and set him straight: God had the right to question Job, not the other way around. Job realized he had been arrogant and that his anger was unjustified. When confronted by the awesomeness of God, Job repented.

Anyway, I thought that was interesting. Job also thought that God was angry, but God was not angry at Job; God was testing him. In another Bible index it says " Such sublte distinctions are hard to sort out while facing suffering, however. In the process of refining our faith, God often chooses to keep his purposes hidden.

I can so relate with a lot of that. ;)

You may be right...I may be crazy.

I'm not really sure how to start this post. This is something that has been bothering me for a while, but honestly I'm glad I haven't blogged about it until now. It's funny how thoughts and feelings change over time when you process through them and you come to a new understanding of what it is you are really feeling. With that said....I'll get on with it.

For quite sometime I had been feeling really self-absorbed and taking it very personally when people who knew what I was dealing with and going through with Joy chose to ignore the topic or seemed to distance themselves. I understand that it does not mean they don't care, they just don't know what to say etc. Let me just say...the silence has been deafening! I was probably one of those people before going through this. I've never lost anyone close to me and it really does make you ignorant as to how to deal with death and maybe even how to support someone who is grieving.

Let me just put it out there. I don't mind people asking questions. It's not like bringing it up is going to reminder me of what is going on, trust me...I can't forget. I find it worse to say nothing in fear of saying something wrong. Your heart will speak louder than your words. I know it's a difficult topic and most people fortunately have never had to deal with this...thank God!

I could go on and on how this bothered me, but I'll cut to the chase. It's not that it doesn't bother me anymore, but I've come to a better understanding of why I am feeling what I'm feeling. I want people to know that Joy matters, and for people to stay silent or to pretend like I am not pregnant hurts because she matters so much to me. I know this is not a normal pregnancy and so it lacks a lot of the cheerful milestones that everyone likes to share in as the the arrival of a new baby draws near, regardless Joy is still our child, a member of our family, a child of God, sister to Phoebe and Elijah. I want her life to have mattered and have had purpose. Perhaps that is partially why I have chosen to blog.

Part of this is my own issue that I'm dealing with. I'm not typically one to reach out for support. I never thought I had to explain to people, I figured I was the one hurting why do I have to seek to be understood? Maybe this was wrong...maybe I'm crazy...maybe it's all in my head...maybe I'm too consumed by my present situation? I really think a lot of it has even been a distraction of what God is trying to show me in all of this. Getting my eyes off of Him and focusing on reasons to be bitter and angry.

Open for Business

So I have now officially opened my blog up to be viewed by all who care to read. Initially I had intended for it to be like my own personal therapeutic journal and eventually sharing it with others. That process has been quickened by my husband. In his own way to be understood he shared my blog with a few people. Which probably would not have been that big of a deal except that I had not yet shared it with those I am close to and plus he didn't ask. He thought anyone could find it online, but that was not the case. Anyway, I still love you Lewis.