Learning to Dance in the Rain

I've always thought New Year's Eve was so overrated. I adopted this mantra after having some botched New Year's Eve plans when I was of the age where it seemed to be a big deal. Let me share a funny example...it must have been 1994 or 1995. I was in University and was either 20 or 21. All of my friends were back home in Niagara Falls, Ontario (that's where I grew up) for the Christmas break as most of us all went to different schools. We had plans to go down to the annual "First Night" held right down by the falls. A group called "Blue Rodeo" was going to be playing a free concert...I was somewhat of a fan so I was looking forward to it. Those of you who are Canadian will know who I'm talking about. Anyway, long story short....two of my friends were going to be driving and there was some miscommunication. One thought the other was going to pick me up and vice versa. Bottom line....I spent New Year's home alone while my mother slept. Yeehaw! I think it is totally hilarious now, but at the time I wasn't laughing.


Anyway, I don't care so much as I get older what my plans are, but rather reflect more on what a New Year signifies. Most years I am usually excited about what the New Year will bring and this year is no different. Most of 2008 has been a rather difficult year for me and my family....with learning on March 20th that we were expecting our third child and finding out May 2 that our baby had some serious anomalies, getting the diagnosis of limb-body wall complex on May 20, the rest of the pregnancy that was very emotional, and then giving birth to Joy, who was stillborn, on Sept. 15. Despite all that...I am sad to see the year go. It means we are moving farther away in time of where my memories are so fresh of Joy. I don't want to forget even the smallest of details. Good thing I have a pretty good long-term memory...most of the time anyway. It's my short term memory that is a different story.....I blame my forgetfulness on something I like to call "momnesia." Some of you know exactly what I'm talking about. Regardless, 2008 was Joy's year...so much time, thought, prayer and tears were committed to her. Obviously just because we are about to enter 2009 doesn't mean I'm done thinking about her or that I won't shed any more tears....these are still daily occurrences for me.


Even with all the sadness and disappointments over 2008 all of those have been intermixed with joy along the way. Why is it that joy and pain, two concepts that seem so diametrically opposed to one another seem to often travel hand in hand with each other?? Maybe it is God's way of making the pain bearable by pairing it with the joy? During each one of these trials that we have endured this year we can always look back and see God's hand at work sustaining us. Obviously things on many occasions never turned out the way we had hoped or prayed for, but yet our faith remains and dare I even say stronger? God allowed us enough grace for each new day.


Here is a quote I think pretty much sums up my year as I look to 2009.

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain."

I'm still learning to dance and appreciate all the joys, all the pains, all the things God gives and takes away, and yes, all the storms. I feel I've spent so much of my life waiting for certain storms to pass making sure I don't get splashed by the rain, ensuring I'm protected by a raincoat or an umbrella (you know....trying to control things that are beyond my control). If you've ever been caught in a real monsoon of a storm you know it's pretty futile. No matter how much you try to stay dry in the rain part of you is gonna get wet....why not learn to dance in it? Knowing and trusting that God is in control certainly gives me the freedom to at least try even if right now all I can do is the two-step.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

God is SO Good

Over the past two weeks I had mentally adjusted my thinking to being out of work come Jan. 9, 2009. As it turns out I have been given an opportunity to stay with my current employer. The one lady in our small department of 3 who was going to be able to keep her position has unexpectedly turned in her resignation. You can imagine my surprise when I got a call from my boss asking if I was interested in staying on. The answer of course was...yes! I let her know about my plans to return to school in Jan. and when my classes would be and she is going to be planning my hours around my classes. How awesome is that? I can't tell you what an answer to prayer this is. God is SO good!

Lewis was trying to figure out why things happened the way they played out here over the past two weeks and why God did this or that. I was like "Lewis, if I've learned anything about God it is that I don't always know or understand his reasons for things." I've really learned not to try and give myself a headache in trying to figure out the why because it is all just speculation anyway. I just have to trust him.

Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will direct your paths.

During this Christmas season it is so easy to look around and see who is missing. You can imagine I see Joy's name everywhere I go during this time of year and I love it!! I really do. Some may think it would be a sorrowful reminder of what I'm lacking. On the contrary...I don't want to focus on what I'm lacking, but on how much richer Joy has made our lives. Sure I would rather have her here with us, and I miss her so much it hurts, but I don't want to be so consumed by the grief that I miss the blessing God has for me.

Be blessed this holiday season!

Three Months

I just got the most thoughtful email and pictures sent to me from my new friend, Rachel, she too knows the grief and heartbreak associated with having a daughter born still. Her sweet baby girl, Felicity Faith, went to be with Jesus on Oct.6, 2008....3 weeks to the day after Joy. You can find her blog, Home on the Range, on my blog roll.

The pictures were taken at Redondo Beach, CA by her friend Emily. Thank you so much Rachel & Emily!! You have brought great joy to this day that marks three months since Joy was born into the arms of Jesus. I miss her more than I can possibly put into words! The pictures literally took my breath away because they were so unexpected.

The Name of my Blog is Really Holding me Accountable

Having my blog named "Choose Joy" has been hard to live up to this week. I was told on a phone call by my boss Tues. night that my job is being eliminated as of Jan.9, 2009. It is really just the last blow in a series of work related issues that have come since I started back to work after Joy's death. I haven't written about all of it. I let you guys know about the first cut in hours I got, but then a couple weeks later my hours were cut by another 4 per week, then I was told they were cashing out my leave because I was no longer full-time....and now this. I can't say that I am totally surprised as the company I work for has been struggling like a lot of other companies in this difficult economy. Regardless, it's still a bit of a tough pill to swallow. I have been with this company for 10 years as of Jan. 7, 2009. Ironically two days before my last day of work.



I'm sooooo glad I do not find my identity of who I am in my work. It is so much more fulfilling to find my identity and value in Jesus and who He says I am. It is also much more fulfilling to me to find more value in being a mother to my kids and wife to my husband. Those are the things that bring me the most happiness. Unfortunately in the world of work, as much as you think you might be valued or valuable, you are always expendable and replaceable. I'm so glad the creator of the universe doesn't view me this way.



With all that said...one still has to make a living. I feel like my bachelor's degree is no longer serving me well in this day and age with the economy the way it is. Not to mention there are few jobs in my area. Soooooo, I am going to be taking classes starting next month to try and get into the nursing program at the local community college. The truth is I was registered to take classes this past summer, but with everything that was happening with Joy I did not feel I could really focus on school. It's been a few years since I have been a student...ummmmm over 11 years!! It is a little scary to me, but I'm looking forward to the change.



One door closes, another one opens. ...right? My job being eliminated is kind of a blessing I suppose. I was at a point where I was no longer enjoying it. You know, surprisingly I don't have much anxiety about the loss of income as I know God is faithful to provide. There's that crazy thing called "peace" again. It keeps showing up when I need it the most.


The real unfortunate part in all of this is that the timing could not possibly be worse. Losing Joy has really made me feel less capable of handling other stresses that come along. I know it won't always be like that, but since this has happened so close together it's hard for me at times.

So on the topic of joy, not my baby Joy, but joy. My pastor said a very profound thing last Sunday about joy. It was simple, but profound and so I had to write it down. "I have joy because I see the situation from God's perspective, not my own." That is so true! When I get caught up in feeling sorry for myself because my child died, or because I'm about to lose my job it is hard to find the joy. When I try and see it all from God's perspective,even though I don't know what his plan is, I can have joy knowing that he is in control and he's got my back. At this point I'm almost excited to see what he has in store for me. I'm anticipating good things. Honestly, it took me a few days to get to this point. I can't lie to you.

Please pray for me to stay strong in this peace, joy, and hope that I have. It doesn't always come easy. I have to pray and fight for it daily.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.

I'm still here

I thought I should stop by and post an update since it's been a while. This is the longest I've gone without a post since Joy was born. No good reason really...I guess I'm not always prepared to put my thoughts into words. Okay, that doesn't really make sense. Yes, I think in words, but maybe a better way of putting that is I'm not always sure how to express my thoughts.

I'm having a difficult night and maybe I thought trying to write something might help. Lewis has been out of town since Sunday on business and he is gone for another 3 days. I'm not sure if that is contributing to how I'm feeling. It is the first time he has had to travel since Joy was born.

Regardless, I can't seem to stop the tears tonight. My whole body just aches with grief and my heart is so heavy. I miss my baby so much. It's just not fair! I just want to scream "Why God, I don't understand?!" I trust you, but I don't get it.

I'm not sure that it completely makes sense to me, but I seem to be more emotional since Joy's due date of Nov. 23rd. It could be because it just happens to coincide with the start of holiday season? I think I've been a little bit in denial. I didn't think the holidays would be any more difficult than any other day without Joy. Perhaps I was wrong? Perhaps I just over analyze everything and should stop trying to figure things out. How's that go...Let go and let God!

It's late and I'm tired. I think I'll end on that note....let go and let God!

Joy's Due Date

Today was suppose to be a happy day.
I was supposed to give birth to a beautiful, HEALTHY baby girl.
Our family of five was supposed to be complete.
This day came much sooner than today.
Nine weeks and six days sooner to be exact.
I should have been able to watch my husband give her a bath,
to watch our children's eyes light up at the sight of their new baby sister.
I should have been able to nurse her, change her diaper, and wipe spit-up off my shirt.
I had four months to get ready to not be able to do any of those things.
Four months to get used to the idea that instead of bringing our baby home
we would be burying her.
Four months to pray for a miracle.
Four months to cherish her while she was still alive.
Four months to not take any of it for granted.
Those four months were a gift.
A gift of life.
A gift of hope.
A gift of bonding.
30 weeks and 1 day you lived in my belly,
but you were born in the heart of Jesus since the beginning of time.
He knew your name even then.
He knew your purpose, He knew the plan.
He picked me to be your Mommy?
All the tears, all the heartache, all the pain, and all the emptiness was worth it.
It was worth it just to have you in my life.
I would do it all again with the same outcome,
just to be able to hold you.
Just to be with you, I would do it all again.


Today was Joy's due date. It is hard to think what might have been, what could have been, what should have been. The only thing is that God doesn't make mistakes. Although this should have been her due date it was never meant to be. Her birthday was always meant to be just as it was...Sept.15, 2008. It is still hard for me to accept this at times. But I do accept that God is a sovereign God and his ways are not my ways.


With thanksgiving approaching our Pastor was preaching today on being thankful. I have to admit that I was really challenged this morning to be thankful in my circumstance. I mean am I supposed to be thankful that my child died? Of course not! Something Pastor Mark said that resonated with me was..."If you can't be thankful in your circumstance, be thankful for who He is." I guess that is where I am.

Being an imperfect, selfish human it seems to be so natural to dwell on all the negatives. Instead of being at the hospital celebrating the birth of my newborn baby where people are supposed to come and visit us. I am visiting my child's grave site thinking about what I am missing out on. For me, a natural born complainer, I really have to fight against those thoughts. I have to be thankful on purpose. Though I wished Joy's life had a different outcome I can still be thankful for many things. After church I visited her grave site and I took that opportunity to thank the Lord for several things. I thanked him for Joy, I thanked him for choosing me to be her Mommy, I thanked him for carrying us and continuing to carry us through this storm, and I thanked him for the work he is doing in our lives and others through Joy and her story.

So many conflicting thoughts. The best way I can sum it up is in the lyrics to the first song you hear when you arrive on my site by Sanctus Real. "Whatever you're doing inside of me, it feels like chaos, but somehow there's peace." That is the truth....no matter my crazy conflicting thoughts, no matter the pain, sorrow, and tears....there is peace! The kind of peace that can't be explained, it can only be experienced through Jesus Christ. The kind of peace where you have joy in spite of the sorrow, because it's the kind of joy that is deep down. It is God given and therefore cannot be taken away by circumstances.

Phantom Baby

Something I've experienced a few times since giving birth to Joy are kick-like sensations in my belly. I thought I was losing my mind to be honest with you. I just had one again the other day and it really got me thinking. I started drawing parallels between those sensations and phantom limbs. For those of you who don't know what a phantom limb is let me break it down for you Wikipedia style;

A phantom limb is the sensation that an amputated or missing limb (even an organ, like the appendix) is still attached to the body and is moving appropriately with other body parts.[1][2][3] Approximately 50 to 80% of individuals with an amputation experience phantom sensations in their amputated limb, and the majority of the sensations are painful.[4] Phantom sensations may also occur after the removal of body parts other than the limbs, e.g. after amputation of the breast, extraction of a tooth (phantom tooth pain) or removal of an eye (phantom eye syndrome). The missing limb often feels shorter and may feel as if it is in a distorted and painful position. Occasionally, the pain can be made worse by stress, anxiety and weather changes. Phantom limb pain is usually intermittent. The frequency and intensity of attacks usually decline with time.[5]

Like I said, I haven't had these feelings often but for a split second afterwards I would think Joy was still inside me or that I was still pregnant. I said for a split second and then of course I know I'm not and that she is not still inside me. I find the similarity with phantom limbs intriguing. I know I'm not missing a limb, but I'm missing something/ someone to me that is so much more valuable than a limb....Joy. If you've read my blog you will know that the doctors told me all along that Joy was missing a right leg and in fact she was not. She was born with both legs and feet!

One of the main differences of course is that phantom limb sensations also involve physical pain. I am not in any physical pain, but there is no denying the emotional pain I am dealing with. I'm always drawing strange parallels between things. I say strange because I often think most people don't think the way I do or maybe they do and they are just too afraid to voice their thoughts for fear of being laughed at? Well you can laugh if you want. I thought myself very clever to come up with the term "Phantom Baby," but low and behold I am not the first. As I do with so many things......I "googled it." Apparently there are other people out there who have had these strange sensations. I couldn't find any of these women that were similar to me in the sense that they lost their child, but I really did not look that hard.

Aside from the sensation of being kicked from the inside. Limb or no limb. I will always be missing Joy and wishing she were here with me. She was not just a part of me for the 30 weeks I carried her, but she will be for the rest of my life. I will always have that pain of her death, but just like with phantom limbs "the frequency and intensity of attacks usually decline over time." Of course when you lose someone or experience something difficult people tell you something similar..."time heals all wounds."

Personally, I've never found any of these cliches to be helpful or comforting. My absolute least favorite one is...."God never gives you more than you can handle." Hogwash! Of course He does! This has all been more than I can handle on my own. It's God that has been carrying me through every step of the way. This has made me lean on Him like never before.

Joy's due date is quickly approaching.....this Sunday, Nov. 23. Please keep me in your prayers as this date draws near. At one point Nov. 23 was supposed to be a day of great happiness, but instead I'm anticipating it to be a difficult day, or at least an emotional one.