I thought I should stop by and post an update since it's been a while. This is the longest I've gone without a post since Joy was born. No good reason really...I guess I'm not always prepared to put my thoughts into words. Okay, that doesn't really make sense. Yes, I think in words, but maybe a better way of putting that is I'm not always sure how to express my thoughts.
I'm having a difficult night and maybe I thought trying to write something might help. Lewis has been out of town since Sunday on business and he is gone for another 3 days. I'm not sure if that is contributing to how I'm feeling. It is the first time he has had to travel since Joy was born.
Regardless, I can't seem to stop the tears tonight. My whole body just aches with grief and my heart is so heavy. I miss my baby so much. It's just not fair! I just want to scream "Why God, I don't understand?!" I trust you, but I don't get it.
I'm not sure that it completely makes sense to me, but I seem to be more emotional since Joy's due date of Nov. 23rd. It could be because it just happens to coincide with the start of holiday season? I think I've been a little bit in denial. I didn't think the holidays would be any more difficult than any other day without Joy. Perhaps I was wrong? Perhaps I just over analyze everything and should stop trying to figure things out. How's that go...Let go and let God!
It's late and I'm tired. I think I'll end on that note....let go and let God!
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2 comments:
Oh Sharleen! I know what you're feeling!!! I'm so sorry you had a had night and a lonely week without Lewis. I've pretty much accepted the fact that it's hard to be the only adult in the house even just during the day sometimes, so I can't imagine being alone with the kids for a week if Paul had to travel.
I was just thinking yesterday in the about Joy and how she'd be about 10 days old if she'd been born on her due date. You might be struggling with nursing and caring for you other kids (and working), trying to get Joy's weight back up to what it was at birth. The kids would be doting on her, probably at times a little too intently. By now you'd know all her noises and movements and you'd be have piles everywhere (dirty dishes, laundry, etc.), but you'd be loving Joy so much!
I hope writing that doesn't make you more sad, but I know you're probably already thinking about it and I wanted you to know you're not the only thinking it.
I'm wondering why too! I pore over Felicity's pictures, examining each little feature and become overwhelmed with this feeling of missing her! But then I get a phone call from a newer friend who tells me that she has had a newfound attitude of gratitude b/c of Felicity, because she knows what we're going through and her "troubles" are nothing in comparison, so she says a prayer of thankfulness and is able to have a better attitude while caring for her kids (a often times thankless job). So, know that others have a renewed sense of purpose b/c of Joy and how gracefully you're dealing with everything. Hopefully they're telling you and you can rejoice in that!
Blessings!
sorry for all the errors, hope it still makes sense.
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