8 Months....and Hopeful

Today is the 8 month anniversary of Joy's birth. 8 months ago she went home to be with the Lord. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her and miss her presence in our lives. I thought today would be a good day to share some good news.....Joy is going to be a big sister! I'm pretty sure she is thrilled about that and wouldn't mind me sharing some happy news on this day.

Probably part of the reason I haven't updated in a while is because I didn't want to feel like I was keeping something from you all. We found out on March 1. I am now 15 weeks along and due around Nov.2.


I have to be honest here...being pregnant again after Joy has a lot of mixed emotions attached to it. I'm not quite sure how to put it into words and sometimes I fear that if I try it will be misunderstood. I will give it a try though.



Before I get into that I do want to share that we had an ultra sound at 12 weeks and, praise the Lord, everything is as it should be. No limb-body wall, no fluid where it should not be. I have certainly had a sense of relief since the ultra sound, but I still know that nothing is guaranteed and I don't take that for granted. However, I have hope. Hope feels good, and strange at the same time. It feels strange to be pregnant and be hopeful that I will be able to bring this baby home. Part of me grieves the fact that I am broken and my whole way of viewing what is supposed to be a joyful time is warped. Obviously I am changed, I mean you can't go through planning to lose your unborn child for months and then it happening and remain the same. I know this.



I don't want to give the impression that being pregnant again is not joyful, but it's tempered with trepidation. I can't explain it all, but it still occasionally bothers me to be around pregnant ladies...really just those that don't know my story. I think I'm jealous of their carefree excitement and anticipation. There is nothing wrong with that and every pregnant woman should feel that way. I won't ever have that again....I'm jealous. It's that simple.

Lewis and I have agreed that this baby will be our last. I really want to be able to enjoy this pregnancy, but I feel myself holding back. I suppose that is normal? Whatever that is! It's not that I am fearful that something terrible will happen, but I'm certainly not naive to all the possibilities. You know...ignorance is bliss! I know they also say...knowledge is power. In this case, my knowledge doesn't feel powerful...it feels binding, constricting, and makes the air heavy to breathe.

Honestly, I really don't meditate on those thoughts much, but every so often they creep in. I know God's hand is over this little life, just as it was with Joy, and only He can bring the peace I need. I really just try to rest in that and give it to God.

So there you have it...part of the reason I have been so quiet lately. Other reasons? Oh, you know ....life. We would still appreciate your prayers on this leg of our journey and for the health and safety of this little baby.