Four Months

11:58am marked four months since Joy's quick arrival and departure from this world. I still can't believe it really happened. I know I say that a lot, but I really think that often. Maybe because I can't believe I'm still standing after everything that has happened...some days more firm than others. What a testament to God's grace. I don't deserve it, but he gives it anyway...and I'm so grateful he does.

It's amazing how much I have been changed by this baby girl that I never got to know outside my womb. She has impacted my life in ways I cannot fully express nor fully understand yet. I'm still a HUGE, I mean HUGE...did I say HUGE?.... work in progress, but for some reason I have a little more clarity. Clarity of who I am, whats important, how I see myself, my family, my God, and how my God sees me. I'm so glad he isn't finished with me yet.

Something I read on another blog that rings so true is this ...God allowed something in his wisdom that he could have prevented in his power. I just have to trust his wisdom, because man o man I wish he would have prevented my little girl from having so many physical abnormalities that they would not allow her little 2 pound body to function apart from mine. He did not prevent it, he allowed it. He did not allow it to teach me a lesson, he did not allow it because of something I did or did not do. It just wasn't all about me. It's about him! He has purpose for all of it far beyond what my eyes can see, far beyond my pain and tears.

I'm clinging to the word God gave me during some of my darkest, most unjoyful (is that a word?), hours this summer from John 15:11 I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and your joy may be complete. I know my sweet Joy is complete and made whole in heaven worshipping the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords. What a vision that is...literally takes my breath away. But like I said, even though I know it's not all about me, I know he is not finished with me yet. I know he is gradually restoring my joy, but better than that...I know he will be faithful to make my joy complete!