Maternity Clothes

Now that I'm nearly 23 weeks along, maternity clothes are pretty much a necessity. Thanks to my neighbor I have a few more summer articles to cover my ever expanding belly and other expanding parts. Not that I don't have maternity clothes from other pregnancies, but I've never really needed them in the summer time.

I really could stand to use a couple pairs of shorts though. I decided to go into Motherhood Maternity at the mall to see what they had...big mistake. It's kind of a strange experience buying or looking for maternity clothes when you are pregnant with a baby who you know will not survive once she exits your womb. It's almost like I don't want to look cute...a little afraid to show the belly off maybe? I don't really know...the one thing I do know is that I can't with any certaintly make sense of my thoughts of feeling much these days. I just think or talk myself in circles to where I am even more confused. Make sense?

This pretty uneventful trip to the maternity clothes shop, uneventful because I didn't end up buying anything, sparked some emotions. There was a lady in there and the sales associate asked her how far along she was and she said 5 months. I'm 5 months too. I don't think it was so much that that got to me, but the associate asking if she wanted to be signed up for some kind of promotion where she would get coupons for diapers etc. It lead me to thinking of how exciting it can be to plan for a new baby and making sure everything is ready for when they come home and join your family. I've kind of detached myself from having those thoughts I suppose, but this afternoon my mind wandered there. I started telling Joy how sad Mommy was that she is not going to get to come home and live with us and how God must have bigger plans for her. I found myself driving home bawling and pleading with God for a miracle. Still, nearly 10 weeks later after the initial news, I still can't completely wrap my head around it and still wake up in the mornings to the harsh reality that it wasn't a dream.