Not much of a blogger

The title says it all....doesn't it?

I had a revelation the other day that I need to get in print so I don't ever forget it. I was thinking to myself how lucky/ blessed I am to be Elijah and Phoebe's mom. I thought wait a minute.....I 'm lucky to be Joy's mom too. As hearbreaking as this whole experience is and how I go over in my head "Why me...why my baby?" I would not have it any other way. What I mean by that is I am glad to be Joy's mommy. I could never imagine not being her Mommy even if the likelihood of her survival is non-existent.

Not to mention God chose Lewis and I to be her parents. Whatever the reason...He chose us! We chose life for Joy! I know it's all a little more complex than that, but He knew we were going to give her every chance at life even though that life may not actually be outside the womb, but life nonetheless! Please don't mistake my rather matter of fact way of saying that as to think that we are not praying daily for God to intervene and make our little girl a complete miracle. There is nothing we want more!!

Maternity Clothes

Now that I'm nearly 23 weeks along, maternity clothes are pretty much a necessity. Thanks to my neighbor I have a few more summer articles to cover my ever expanding belly and other expanding parts. Not that I don't have maternity clothes from other pregnancies, but I've never really needed them in the summer time.

I really could stand to use a couple pairs of shorts though. I decided to go into Motherhood Maternity at the mall to see what they had...big mistake. It's kind of a strange experience buying or looking for maternity clothes when you are pregnant with a baby who you know will not survive once she exits your womb. It's almost like I don't want to look cute...a little afraid to show the belly off maybe? I don't really know...the one thing I do know is that I can't with any certaintly make sense of my thoughts of feeling much these days. I just think or talk myself in circles to where I am even more confused. Make sense?

This pretty uneventful trip to the maternity clothes shop, uneventful because I didn't end up buying anything, sparked some emotions. There was a lady in there and the sales associate asked her how far along she was and she said 5 months. I'm 5 months too. I don't think it was so much that that got to me, but the associate asking if she wanted to be signed up for some kind of promotion where she would get coupons for diapers etc. It lead me to thinking of how exciting it can be to plan for a new baby and making sure everything is ready for when they come home and join your family. I've kind of detached myself from having those thoughts I suppose, but this afternoon my mind wandered there. I started telling Joy how sad Mommy was that she is not going to get to come home and live with us and how God must have bigger plans for her. I found myself driving home bawling and pleading with God for a miracle. Still, nearly 10 weeks later after the initial news, I still can't completely wrap my head around it and still wake up in the mornings to the harsh reality that it wasn't a dream.

New

Wow, I have a blog!? I did not think I had it in me. After attempting to start a journal, with some failed attempts, I figured this might be a better way to gather my thoughts. Not only am I new to blogging, but I am fairly new to this strange existence I've been living over the last couple months. I will explain soon...I promise. As mentioned, I wanted to journal and have 5 pages dedicated to the topic, yet I feel like I have gotten no where. Perhaps a blog will be my new tool? Hopefully a successful one.

I have to admit I've been inspired by some other women who have walked in my shoes and shared their painful journey along the way. So, I will make my meager attempt at this hoping it will be therapeutic at the least and maybe, just maybe one day it will help someone else the way some other lady's blogs have helped me.