This was the exact time in my pregnancy with Joy where my water unexpectedly broke and I had to face the truth of what was about to unfold as I gave birth to my daughter who was never to breathe a breath of air on this earth. Today is 30 weeks and one day for this little babe all snug in my womb. (Actually, it was yesterday)
I'm not quite sure how to express the feelings that I have. Still nearly one year later the hurt is still so real. From the outside I probably look like I have healed and moved on with my life and in some respects I have, but not far below the surface is a heart that continues to hurt. This pain is always with me. Truthfully, I think most of the time I try to numb myself to it. There always seems to be an abundance of things to distract me from dealing with my thoughts and emotions. I often wonder if I will always feel so broken. That feeling is not ever present, but when I take time to reflect and meditate on it that is how I feel...broken.
Honestly, the day was not as bad as I was anticipating, but I had plenty of school work to distract myself. However, the reality is setting in that we are quickly approaching the one year anniversary. Today, with slightly cooler temperatures outside it reminded me of the season in which I was grieving after giving birth to Joy. I suppose I will always feel that way as summer seems to turn to fall. I'm starting to think about how my family and I are going to mark Sept.15. I'd much rather be planning a birthday party for a one year old baby girl. Instead I'm sure part of the day will be spent visiting Joy's grave.
***Life Update***
There are so many things going on in my life right now...I guess it's a good thing I'm not working because honestly, I think that would put me over the edge. I started back to school for the fall semester on Monday. I'm taking 3 classes and at this point I'm wondering if I have bitten off more than I can chew seeing as I will be giving birth half way through the semester. Elijah starts Kindergarten on Sept. 8 and Phoebe starts preschool the day after that. I suppose with Elijah in all day Kindergarten and Phoebe at preschool 3 mornings a week that will allow me some study time besides at night when they are in bed. That is until this babe arrives. Elijah will be starting up the hockey season again starting in Sept. and I really want to enroll Phoebe in some kind of dance class. My head is spinning thinking about it all. And did I mention one of my classes is Sat. from 9am until 2:30 pm. Yes, that's right...I'm crazy!!! What was I thinking?
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3 comments:
Sharleen-
The second paragraph of this post sums up really well how I feel too. I don't think I could've written it better. I've been thinking of Joy's birthday coming up. Some days it feels real that a year has gone by and some days if feels like it was yesterday.
Blessings,
Rachel
Sharleen,
I often think about you and wonder how you do continue on and seek out the miracles in life when I know there is still so much pain. I vividly remember when you had Joy. I was so far removed that I had no idea that Joy had BLW. I was so taken aback because I just saw Lewis when he was in town and he shared with Wyatt and I that you guys were about to have your third. I know he had his reasons, but he never led on for a minute that you were facing this. He was just so proud and strong. Wyatt and I recount that conversation we had with him often, because we had just learned that we were expecting Sophie.
So when I read about Joy's birth, I just remember sitting at my computer, weeping. Weeping for Joy and for Elijay and Phoebe and for you and for Lewis. But also because of your strength and courage and knowing how incredibly hard every day must have been for you but still holding onto hope.
I continue to be amazed by your strength and stamina...to raise a great family, to pursue your dreams, to journey on and find peace and (maybe the toughest of all...to live with Lewis:)
I'll keep you in my prayers!
Hi Sharleen,
I have been thinking about you. Your blog is amazing...I love it. I hope you are doing well. Talk soon,
Tabitha
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