Anytime now

Just wanted to check in and let y'all know I'm still pregnant. 39+ weeks now and SOOO ready to give birth. I went to to the OB today and I am 3cm dilated. I don't put much stock in that to tell me when I might go into labor, but at least it's progress. Can't wait to meet this little guy and be able to move around without all the aches and pains. No joke... I've been pregnant for 16 out of the last 21 months!! Of course not all of it has been uncomfortable like this last month has been, but I'm ready to be done and just love on this little baby.

I think I'm nesting, but for some reason it doesn't feel like anything is getting accomplished besides a big mess in the process. Probably because I get too tired and winded to finish. I seriously don't remember being so uncomfortable during any of my previous pregnancies, but then again I'm not getting any younger. You know, I am advanced maternal age! Gosh, that makes me feel old.

Anyway, I'll keep y'all posted.

Recognized

I had a very interesting experience earlier this week that I wanted to share. Now I know my blog is not very popular compared to many out there. I did get more hits back when I was more of a consistent blogger, but quite frankly...I'm not. I mean I probably have about 20-30 people that regularly visit my blog, or at least that is my best guess by my Feedjit application. I don't know who most of you are, but I see that you keep coming back. Probably faithfully checking to see if I've posted anything. Unfortunately, I've probably disappointed you more often than not with no new posts. Anyway, I say all that to say thank-you for being interested in my story, in Joy's story, in the story that God is writing through our lives.

You are probably wondering why I am even talking about this, which brings me back to that something interesting that happened. So I was at a local store looking for some fall/winter clothes for Phoebe and was waiting in line at the checkout. It was then my turn and as I approached the counter the lady asked me how much longer I had (obviously she saw my pregnant belly), I told her 6 weeks, she asked me if I knew what I was having and I told her "a boy." I was paying her the money for the clothes and she asked me if my last name was J_ _ _ _ ? I said yes, and she proceeded to tell me that she had been following my blog. I asked her how she heard of it and she said she saw the obituary in the paper. She apparently felt a connection to read based on something that happened within her family and had mentioned how she admired me for the decision I made and wished me well. Some of it was a bit of a blur just because I was so not expecting that. I was going over in my mind how she connected me to my blog, I mean I paid her in cash...no debit card, my name wasn't on anything. I just figure it must have been from pictures on my blog and perhaps the pregnant belly that she made the connection?

The thing that I took away from that encounter and what really touched me was that there are people out there that know who my daughter, Joy, is and know her story and have been impacted. I already know this to be true and I know a lot of you personally who read and have been impacted. But when this lady whom I had never met before said all this to me I saw things in a new perspective. I mean I know there are those of you out there that read and we don't know each other and some of you have commented or sent me emails. I appreciate those so much by the way. Having that real life connection where someone I don't know had been impacted by Joy's story brought it back home to me at a whole different level. It was kind of like God was reminding me that Joy's life mattered and still matters today. Truthfully, after finding out her diagnosis and learning that she would likely never live outside my womb,that was all I really wanted. For people to know her name, to be touched by her short life and ultimately be lead to the cross.

That brief encounter this week was a gift I was not anticipating and I wanted to say thank you to that lady, I'm sorry I forgot to ask your name, but you speaking up and saying something really meant a lot to me.

Pictures of Joy's Birthday Celebration

Lewis and I purchased these garden stakes that we let the kids put in Joy's garden at home.

We went to the grave site where Lewis and Elijah plant some perennials.

The finished product above. You can't see it, but we also planted a black-eyed susan bush behind the grave stone which no doubt will be able to be seen over the stone next spring/summer.

And for no other reason than to prove I was there, here is seriously poor photo of the kids and I.

Lewis and the kids.

There go the balloons! We wrote notes for Joy on them. There were 6 balloons, but someone let go of one earlier. We won't say who. ;)

That's a little convertible Beamer in the front of the garden that Elijah left for Joy.

Before we head home for birthday cake we all went out for dinner.

Okay, I admit I'm no birthday cake rock star like my mother. She can seriously decorate a cake. Honestly, I don't really try because normally she does this sort of thing, but she is on a European vacation currently so it was all me. Although I did have a little help from Betty...Croker, that is. It may not look spectacular, but it was yummy. What if I told you just as the kids blew out the candle Phoebe sneezed all over it. Yep, no joke!

Elijah told me as he was going to bed that he was sad baby Joy's birthday was over. I have to admit...I am, too.

Happy 1st Birthday Joy

How do I begin to put into words the flood of emotions I am having today and the days leading up to this day? I'm not sure I can do it. My heart aches....it has this whole year, but this day brings me right back to Sept. 15, 2008. You can read about that day here.


I think I've moved beyond the disbelief that I had for at least the first six months after Joy's birth/ death, although I'm feeling that today. Maybe it's just the disbelief that it's already been a year? What a crazy year.



Something that has truly helped me through this last year has been many of you. My family, dear friends, some of which I've never met face to face, some of which I haven't seen in years and those of you who have connected with me through a similar experience. Your love, support, prayers, and extension of God's love to me have helped ease some of the pain and grief. Despite all the pain, my life really does feel so much richer because of Joy, which is really difficult for me to put into words. It's just a depth that I feel in my bones. I still don't have all the answers to my "whys" and may never know this side of heaven, but I take comfort in the One who knows all, who gives me enough grace to face each new day, who provides me with the peace and comfort I need and loves me despite all my worldly imperfections...because trust me, there are many.



I'm hoping to post some pictures either later today or some time this week of some of the things we did today as a family to celebrate Joy's life and her 1st birthday. But in the mean time, let me leave you with this scripture from Isaiah that brings me comfort when I am going through things I just don't understand and I start to question God.



Isaiah 55:8-12 For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater. So is my word that goes out from my mouth; It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it. You will go out in joy and be lead forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and the trees of the field will clap their hands.

Joy's Garden

I firgured it was way overdue to post some updated pictures of the garden we planted in memory of our sweet girl last September. The last pics I posted were when we first put it in. You can see those here. Big difference eh?

30 weeks and one day

This was the exact time in my pregnancy with Joy where my water unexpectedly broke and I had to face the truth of what was about to unfold as I gave birth to my daughter who was never to breathe a breath of air on this earth. Today is 30 weeks and one day for this little babe all snug in my womb. (Actually, it was yesterday)


I'm not quite sure how to express the feelings that I have. Still nearly one year later the hurt is still so real. From the outside I probably look like I have healed and moved on with my life and in some respects I have, but not far below the surface is a heart that continues to hurt. This pain is always with me. Truthfully, I think most of the time I try to numb myself to it. There always seems to be an abundance of things to distract me from dealing with my thoughts and emotions. I often wonder if I will always feel so broken. That feeling is not ever present, but when I take time to reflect and meditate on it that is how I feel...broken.



Honestly, the day was not as bad as I was anticipating, but I had plenty of school work to distract myself. However, the reality is setting in that we are quickly approaching the one year anniversary. Today, with slightly cooler temperatures outside it reminded me of the season in which I was grieving after giving birth to Joy. I suppose I will always feel that way as summer seems to turn to fall. I'm starting to think about how my family and I are going to mark Sept.15. I'd much rather be planning a birthday party for a one year old baby girl. Instead I'm sure part of the day will be spent visiting Joy's grave.





***Life Update***



There are so many things going on in my life right now...I guess it's a good thing I'm not working because honestly, I think that would put me over the edge. I started back to school for the fall semester on Monday. I'm taking 3 classes and at this point I'm wondering if I have bitten off more than I can chew seeing as I will be giving birth half way through the semester. Elijah starts Kindergarten on Sept. 8 and Phoebe starts preschool the day after that. I suppose with Elijah in all day Kindergarten and Phoebe at preschool 3 mornings a week that will allow me some study time besides at night when they are in bed. That is until this babe arrives. Elijah will be starting up the hockey season again starting in Sept. and I really want to enroll Phoebe in some kind of dance class. My head is spinning thinking about it all. And did I mention one of my classes is Sat. from 9am until 2:30 pm. Yes, that's right...I'm crazy!!! What was I thinking?

Adoption

I really have not felt very inspired to write much these days. As you can clearly see it's been two months since my last post. In my defense, although you would never know it, I do tend to start blog entries and never seem to finish them. I won't bore you with excuses, but something I saw last week prompted me to start another blog entry. Yes, that was last week. I'm a little slow in getting things out there I guess. What was significant last week was that on the 15th was the 10 month anniversary that Joy was born and went on to heaven. The last few months I've noticed that it is not so much a difficult day, being the 15th, but it seems to last that whole week. What I mean, is that I just am more emotional. I'm pretty sure it's not just the pregnancy hormones.



Last Thursday I was flipping through the channels and came across the show "16 & Pregnant." This particular teenage couple was planning on giving their baby up for adoption. As I was watching I couldn't help but draw several parallels between what we went through with Joy and giving a child up for adoption. Please don't misconstrue what I am trying to say. I know it is not the same thing at all, but I never thought about the similarities before.



First I want to say how selfless an act adoption is. One of the biggest differences in my story is I never would have willingly given Joy up. I did not have a choice in the matter....I fought it every step of the way. Like a couple that is giving a child up for adoption, we were preparing to give our child up as well...to God. We also were not preparing to be able to bring her home. We prayed for it, but never purchased any clothes, nor set anything up at home for the arrival of a baby. We too, had to give birth to our child and say goodbye.



Watching this episode brought up a lot of emotions for me. You want to know the strangest thing about it? They showed her going for an ultrasound and the lady performing it is our ultrasound tech....Lisa! I was like..."Hey, that's my doctor's office, too." She gave birth to her baby at the same hospital I gave birth to both Phoebe and Joy. She actually gave birth to her baby in the room that we were with Joy in after my c-section. We did not have the same doctor, she has a different doctor in the same practice as mine. How crazy is all of that??? Needless to say, I was crying through the whole thing.

Anyway, the only reason I bring it up is just to share the new insight or spin on the situation I now have. I never had thought about it this way before. Of course I thought about what the Bible says about adoption and the verse that immediately came to mind was Romans 8:15 For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, "Abba! Father!"

This verse kinda makes me think about the times in my current pregnancy that I am fearful and I have to stop myself and offer this baby to God. I do this in an acknowledgment that this child, nor any of my others truly belong to me. They are gifts that God has entrusted me with. I do this as a way of gaining the peace that no matter what happens, God is in control. I probably did not explain this very well, but I know those of you who have been where I have been understand.

I'm probably way over due for an update as well. So here goes...
I'm now 25 weeks pregnant and everything is progressing as it should. At my 19 week ultra sound we found out that Elijah, Phoebe, and Joy are going to be having a baby brother. Baby boy looks to be developing perfectly. The quad screen came back completely "normal." All good news.

I have to admit that sometimes all of the "good news" starts to make me sad. Not sad that this baby is healthy...I'm thrilled about that, but sad that this was not the case with Joy. It has had me questioning the "whys" all over again. Things seem so easy during this pregnancy that it makes me mad I was not able to experience this with Joy. Seems like a strange paradox I suppose? So I don't feel like I'm battling fear so much, but sometimes a bit of anger. The only fear that I have is going into early labor. Obviously I did with Joy as she was born at 30 weeks, but there is no reason to think I would with this baby. I certainly did not with Elijah or Phoebe. Maybe I'm thinking like this because I will be closing in on the the 30 week mark in a few short weeks. I'm anticipating that will be a difficult time emotionally for me. I covet your prayers.

Lastly, as of this week I am officially unemployed. Can't say I did not see it coming, but they eliminated my position. I had about 3.5 weeks notice. I'm not terribly excited about this new development, but for the time being I'm just going to enjoy not working, spend more time and attention on my kids, continue studying for school, and prepare for this new little life growing inside of me. After my initial pitty party thinking God did not like me very much,(I know...lame, right?) I just set my sights on the fact that God must have something so much bigger and better in store for me! I can't wait!