Joy's Garden

I firgured it was way overdue to post some updated pictures of the garden we planted in memory of our sweet girl last September. The last pics I posted were when we first put it in. You can see those here. Big difference eh?

30 weeks and one day

This was the exact time in my pregnancy with Joy where my water unexpectedly broke and I had to face the truth of what was about to unfold as I gave birth to my daughter who was never to breathe a breath of air on this earth. Today is 30 weeks and one day for this little babe all snug in my womb. (Actually, it was yesterday)


I'm not quite sure how to express the feelings that I have. Still nearly one year later the hurt is still so real. From the outside I probably look like I have healed and moved on with my life and in some respects I have, but not far below the surface is a heart that continues to hurt. This pain is always with me. Truthfully, I think most of the time I try to numb myself to it. There always seems to be an abundance of things to distract me from dealing with my thoughts and emotions. I often wonder if I will always feel so broken. That feeling is not ever present, but when I take time to reflect and meditate on it that is how I feel...broken.



Honestly, the day was not as bad as I was anticipating, but I had plenty of school work to distract myself. However, the reality is setting in that we are quickly approaching the one year anniversary. Today, with slightly cooler temperatures outside it reminded me of the season in which I was grieving after giving birth to Joy. I suppose I will always feel that way as summer seems to turn to fall. I'm starting to think about how my family and I are going to mark Sept.15. I'd much rather be planning a birthday party for a one year old baby girl. Instead I'm sure part of the day will be spent visiting Joy's grave.





***Life Update***



There are so many things going on in my life right now...I guess it's a good thing I'm not working because honestly, I think that would put me over the edge. I started back to school for the fall semester on Monday. I'm taking 3 classes and at this point I'm wondering if I have bitten off more than I can chew seeing as I will be giving birth half way through the semester. Elijah starts Kindergarten on Sept. 8 and Phoebe starts preschool the day after that. I suppose with Elijah in all day Kindergarten and Phoebe at preschool 3 mornings a week that will allow me some study time besides at night when they are in bed. That is until this babe arrives. Elijah will be starting up the hockey season again starting in Sept. and I really want to enroll Phoebe in some kind of dance class. My head is spinning thinking about it all. And did I mention one of my classes is Sat. from 9am until 2:30 pm. Yes, that's right...I'm crazy!!! What was I thinking?

Adoption

I really have not felt very inspired to write much these days. As you can clearly see it's been two months since my last post. In my defense, although you would never know it, I do tend to start blog entries and never seem to finish them. I won't bore you with excuses, but something I saw last week prompted me to start another blog entry. Yes, that was last week. I'm a little slow in getting things out there I guess. What was significant last week was that on the 15th was the 10 month anniversary that Joy was born and went on to heaven. The last few months I've noticed that it is not so much a difficult day, being the 15th, but it seems to last that whole week. What I mean, is that I just am more emotional. I'm pretty sure it's not just the pregnancy hormones.



Last Thursday I was flipping through the channels and came across the show "16 & Pregnant." This particular teenage couple was planning on giving their baby up for adoption. As I was watching I couldn't help but draw several parallels between what we went through with Joy and giving a child up for adoption. Please don't misconstrue what I am trying to say. I know it is not the same thing at all, but I never thought about the similarities before.



First I want to say how selfless an act adoption is. One of the biggest differences in my story is I never would have willingly given Joy up. I did not have a choice in the matter....I fought it every step of the way. Like a couple that is giving a child up for adoption, we were preparing to give our child up as well...to God. We also were not preparing to be able to bring her home. We prayed for it, but never purchased any clothes, nor set anything up at home for the arrival of a baby. We too, had to give birth to our child and say goodbye.



Watching this episode brought up a lot of emotions for me. You want to know the strangest thing about it? They showed her going for an ultrasound and the lady performing it is our ultrasound tech....Lisa! I was like..."Hey, that's my doctor's office, too." She gave birth to her baby at the same hospital I gave birth to both Phoebe and Joy. She actually gave birth to her baby in the room that we were with Joy in after my c-section. We did not have the same doctor, she has a different doctor in the same practice as mine. How crazy is all of that??? Needless to say, I was crying through the whole thing.

Anyway, the only reason I bring it up is just to share the new insight or spin on the situation I now have. I never had thought about it this way before. Of course I thought about what the Bible says about adoption and the verse that immediately came to mind was Romans 8:15 For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, "Abba! Father!"

This verse kinda makes me think about the times in my current pregnancy that I am fearful and I have to stop myself and offer this baby to God. I do this in an acknowledgment that this child, nor any of my others truly belong to me. They are gifts that God has entrusted me with. I do this as a way of gaining the peace that no matter what happens, God is in control. I probably did not explain this very well, but I know those of you who have been where I have been understand.

I'm probably way over due for an update as well. So here goes...
I'm now 25 weeks pregnant and everything is progressing as it should. At my 19 week ultra sound we found out that Elijah, Phoebe, and Joy are going to be having a baby brother. Baby boy looks to be developing perfectly. The quad screen came back completely "normal." All good news.

I have to admit that sometimes all of the "good news" starts to make me sad. Not sad that this baby is healthy...I'm thrilled about that, but sad that this was not the case with Joy. It has had me questioning the "whys" all over again. Things seem so easy during this pregnancy that it makes me mad I was not able to experience this with Joy. Seems like a strange paradox I suppose? So I don't feel like I'm battling fear so much, but sometimes a bit of anger. The only fear that I have is going into early labor. Obviously I did with Joy as she was born at 30 weeks, but there is no reason to think I would with this baby. I certainly did not with Elijah or Phoebe. Maybe I'm thinking like this because I will be closing in on the the 30 week mark in a few short weeks. I'm anticipating that will be a difficult time emotionally for me. I covet your prayers.

Lastly, as of this week I am officially unemployed. Can't say I did not see it coming, but they eliminated my position. I had about 3.5 weeks notice. I'm not terribly excited about this new development, but for the time being I'm just going to enjoy not working, spend more time and attention on my kids, continue studying for school, and prepare for this new little life growing inside of me. After my initial pitty party thinking God did not like me very much,(I know...lame, right?) I just set my sights on the fact that God must have something so much bigger and better in store for me! I can't wait!

Walk with Faith

Every now and then I find myself googling "limb-body wall complex" and various other related searches to see if I find any new info out there. In my search I came across a post on a message board by a lady named Jennifer, who is pregnant with her third child. That baby was diagnosed with limb-body wall complex back in Feb. My heart immediately broke for her. I was in her shoes this time last year and felt the need to reach out to her and let her know that she is not alone. I think that was back in March and I have been praying for her ever since. I had wondered if she ever saw my response to her. She had.

The other week I got an email from Jennifer. She is just about 32 weeks pregnant with her sweet baby. She has just started a blog "Walk with Faith." Jennifer, her husband Jamie, their two boys, and this precious unborn baby need our prayers.

Please join me in lifting this family up in prayer. Visit her blog.....offer words of encouragement, prayer, and support. As far as I know...God is still in the business of performing miracles, and that is just what I'll be praying for! Will you join me?

8 Months....and Hopeful

Today is the 8 month anniversary of Joy's birth. 8 months ago she went home to be with the Lord. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her and miss her presence in our lives. I thought today would be a good day to share some good news.....Joy is going to be a big sister! I'm pretty sure she is thrilled about that and wouldn't mind me sharing some happy news on this day.

Probably part of the reason I haven't updated in a while is because I didn't want to feel like I was keeping something from you all. We found out on March 1. I am now 15 weeks along and due around Nov.2.


I have to be honest here...being pregnant again after Joy has a lot of mixed emotions attached to it. I'm not quite sure how to put it into words and sometimes I fear that if I try it will be misunderstood. I will give it a try though.



Before I get into that I do want to share that we had an ultra sound at 12 weeks and, praise the Lord, everything is as it should be. No limb-body wall, no fluid where it should not be. I have certainly had a sense of relief since the ultra sound, but I still know that nothing is guaranteed and I don't take that for granted. However, I have hope. Hope feels good, and strange at the same time. It feels strange to be pregnant and be hopeful that I will be able to bring this baby home. Part of me grieves the fact that I am broken and my whole way of viewing what is supposed to be a joyful time is warped. Obviously I am changed, I mean you can't go through planning to lose your unborn child for months and then it happening and remain the same. I know this.



I don't want to give the impression that being pregnant again is not joyful, but it's tempered with trepidation. I can't explain it all, but it still occasionally bothers me to be around pregnant ladies...really just those that don't know my story. I think I'm jealous of their carefree excitement and anticipation. There is nothing wrong with that and every pregnant woman should feel that way. I won't ever have that again....I'm jealous. It's that simple.

Lewis and I have agreed that this baby will be our last. I really want to be able to enjoy this pregnancy, but I feel myself holding back. I suppose that is normal? Whatever that is! It's not that I am fearful that something terrible will happen, but I'm certainly not naive to all the possibilities. You know...ignorance is bliss! I know they also say...knowledge is power. In this case, my knowledge doesn't feel powerful...it feels binding, constricting, and makes the air heavy to breathe.

Honestly, I really don't meditate on those thoughts much, but every so often they creep in. I know God's hand is over this little life, just as it was with Joy, and only He can bring the peace I need. I really just try to rest in that and give it to God.

So there you have it...part of the reason I have been so quiet lately. Other reasons? Oh, you know ....life. We would still appreciate your prayers on this leg of our journey and for the health and safety of this little baby.

Seven Months

Seven months...
Sometimes I think I'm the only one who remembers every month on the 15th marks another month since Joy went to be with Jesus. Fewer and fewer people mention her name.
I guess the truth is that for me Sept. 15th doesn't mark the saddest day. There were many before then. Really, May of 2008 was full of bad days. I hate that Elijah's 5th birthday, coming up on May 2, will mark one year since we got our devastating news that something was seriously wrong with our baby. May 5th when it was confirmed by the "specialists" and May 20th when we got the official diagnosis...limb-body wall complex...."incompatible with life." Funny thing is... that little life that was so "incompatible with life" is having the most abundant life right now in heaven.

Joy wasn't designed for life here on earth. For the pain and sorrow that this life brings. She was designed to bypass all this. I love the scripture in Psalm 139 when it says "He knit me together in my mother's womb." When carrying Joy I often thought "why couldn't He have knit her little body together properly so it could work the way it is supposed to." I'm only just now figuring out that He knit her together exactly according to His plan. That thought doesn't take all the grief away and doesn't always make it easier, because in my human selfishness I want her here with me. To all of us it seems like such a travesty, but I'm pretty sure if we could ask Joy if she would rather be living here on earth I bet her answer would be "no way!" It's hard to stay sad for long when I know how happy she has got to be in heaven.


Psalm 139:13-16
13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

Back Home

Boy, I really am bad at keeping you all updated. I'm way overdue to update on Elijah. He is doing much better. He ended up staying 2 nights in the hospital. They pretty much determined that he had a febrile seizure and his chest x-ray showed the beginning stages of pneumonia. He is just about finished his antibiotics and seems to be back to normal. I seem to have contracted his nasty bug and am hoping to be feeling better by the week's end. It's been rough.

If you ask Elijah he thought it was pretty cool staying in the hospital. He liked to order his meals and watch movies. In fact he said it was like a vacation? Wow, what does that say about our regular life if he thinks that was a vacation???