Seven Months

Seven months...
Sometimes I think I'm the only one who remembers every month on the 15th marks another month since Joy went to be with Jesus. Fewer and fewer people mention her name.
I guess the truth is that for me Sept. 15th doesn't mark the saddest day. There were many before then. Really, May of 2008 was full of bad days. I hate that Elijah's 5th birthday, coming up on May 2, will mark one year since we got our devastating news that something was seriously wrong with our baby. May 5th when it was confirmed by the "specialists" and May 20th when we got the official diagnosis...limb-body wall complex...."incompatible with life." Funny thing is... that little life that was so "incompatible with life" is having the most abundant life right now in heaven.

Joy wasn't designed for life here on earth. For the pain and sorrow that this life brings. She was designed to bypass all this. I love the scripture in Psalm 139 when it says "He knit me together in my mother's womb." When carrying Joy I often thought "why couldn't He have knit her little body together properly so it could work the way it is supposed to." I'm only just now figuring out that He knit her together exactly according to His plan. That thought doesn't take all the grief away and doesn't always make it easier, because in my human selfishness I want her here with me. To all of us it seems like such a travesty, but I'm pretty sure if we could ask Joy if she would rather be living here on earth I bet her answer would be "no way!" It's hard to stay sad for long when I know how happy she has got to be in heaven.


Psalm 139:13-16
13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

Back Home

Boy, I really am bad at keeping you all updated. I'm way overdue to update on Elijah. He is doing much better. He ended up staying 2 nights in the hospital. They pretty much determined that he had a febrile seizure and his chest x-ray showed the beginning stages of pneumonia. He is just about finished his antibiotics and seems to be back to normal. I seem to have contracted his nasty bug and am hoping to be feeling better by the week's end. It's been rough.

If you ask Elijah he thought it was pretty cool staying in the hospital. He liked to order his meals and watch movies. In fact he said it was like a vacation? Wow, what does that say about our regular life if he thinks that was a vacation???

Prayer Request for Elijah

Dear Freinds,

I know it's been too long since my last post. I have an update in the works, but that will have to wait for now. Yesterday Elijah was taken to the hospital by way of ambulance. Just before noon on Sun. as he had fallen asleep on the couch he started to have a seizure. He was not feeling well and did seem warm to me that morning. He has never had a seizure before and admittedly it was quite scary at the time. It seemed to last for about a minute to a minute and a half. It seems the best guess is that it was a febrile seizure brought on by a quick spike in temp, although his temp when he got to the hospital was only 101. That's high, but certainly not alarming.

They put him through a battery of tests trying to rule various things out. Poor boy has been through a cat scan, chest x-ray, a lumbar puncture, and the dreaded IV. I say dreaded IV because that seems to be his biggest issue with all this. He just really hates being attached the that thing and constantly asks why he has to have it.

The plan was to let him go home today, but unfotunately he is going to have to spend another night. His temp went back up this morning despite the antibiotics they have been pumping through him. I think right now they are just trying to let some of his cultures grow to determine what virus he has and get his fever down. Please pray for a speedy recovery for Elijah. We very much appreciate your prayers.

Blessings!

My Husband

This is a post I originally wrote on 12/8/08, but it seems to have remained only as a draft. I thought with today being Valentine's Day it would be an appropriate time to share it.

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It's a strange thing ...grieving a child. I know that no two people grieve the same way, which brings me to my husband...Lewis. I picked him up from the airport the other day and the next day we went to church. During the worship service he looked over at me with tears in his eyes and said "I really miss her." Of course I knew exactly who he was talking about. I grabbed his hand and said "me too." He drove us to Joy's grave site after church and again became emotional.

Of course I know Lewis loves and misses Joy, but I don't always see that side of him. I think sometimes I'm too consumed by my own grief to think about his or I assume he is at a different place of acceptance in dealing with his grief. I guess we are both trying to find our own way through it. Sometimes it's difficult and other times we get by, whatever that means.



Lewis asked me today if I have ever had someone ask me how many kids I have since Joy was born. I knew exactly what he was asking me before he even got all the words out. It has been something I've been thinking about lately. The truth is I have not had anyone ask me this yet. I guess I don't get out enough or come in contact with new people who don't already know about what has happened. Of course the answer is ...I have 3 kids. While Lewis was on travel last week for work he said he was asked this many times. I asked him what he said. He said "I told them I have 3 kids." I asked him if he explained any further and he said not always and that sometimes there were questions that required further explanation like...how old are your kids?



It's funny the simple things that can bring a person joy. My husband, for as much as we butt heads sometimes, he brings me joy. He has so many facets to him. If the truth be known, I must confess he is really more sensitive than I and he sometimes surprises me. He is often very loud and boisterous, but then there are those times he gets so sentimental and wells up with tears when talking about the love he has for our kids and I. He'll really hate me saying this but I've even caught him crying during one of the proposals on "The Bachelor" reality show. I never let him forget it either. I also like to embarrass him with this small detail. I think it's kinda sweet.



I love that he doesn't over think things the way I do. He is just himself. Many times I'm too concerned with what others think, probably because I'm my biggest critic and think other people must be thinking the same things as me. Not the case.



Happy Valentine's Day Lewis! I love you! Happy Valentine's Day everyone!

Beauty for Ashes

I have to apologize for being a bad blogger these days. I guess I'm at a point where I'm not really sure what to write about that hasn't been said and I'm not sure of the direction I want to take with the blog. I am still grieving over the loss of my youngest daughter and it hurts terribly, but I don't really want to write over and over again how sad and distraught I am. I know you all get that. I mean after all the name of my blog is "Choose Joy." That's really what I want to inspire.


I am hit daily by the grief and it can show up in the strangest places and at the strangest, most unexpected times. I daily make the choice to either choose joy or not to choose joy. Can I be honest with you? I don't always make the right choice, but joy wins most days.



There is a scripture that has been impressed upon my heart lately and to be honest here I did not even know the whole scripture all I knew was this part, "His beauty for my ashes." I really did not even know what the scripture was about but it really just seemed to keep coming to mind lately. One of the pastors quoted it in church yesterday during a baptismal service. I thought ah ha....now I know where to find it...Isaiah. Really, after I heard the part "beauty for my ashes" the rest was a blur because I was so exited to hear it that I missed the rest and did not even catch where in Isaiah it was. What a dork!



Sure I could have looked this up sooner, but to be honest every time I thought about it I was no where near my computer. You know I am the google queen, but like I've said before...my short-term memory leaves much to be desired these days so as soon as I would think about it and realize I was unequipped to get the rest of the scripture I would forget about it. Until today that is...I knew that my grandmother O'Brien's sister wrote a book in the early 90's called "His Beauty for my Ashes" and I knew we had it on our book shelf. I haven't read the book, maybe I will now, it actually belongs to my mother as I saw the note Mabel had wrote to her in it. Anyway, to make a short story even longer...I found the scripture verse from that book. Pretty resourceful eh? And to think I did all that whilst writing this blog entry. So I literally just found the verse.


To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified.—Isaiah 61:3.



I liked that version of it, because it uses the word "joy." However, my bible puts it this way...Provide for those who grieve in Zion, to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and the garment of praise instead of despair. They will be called oaks of riteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.


Okay, it's all coming back to me now. You know, one of those scriptures I had long tucked away in my brain. In fact, I remember singing a song in church years ago with words from this scripture. Thank you for being patient in this blog post of discovery. LOL I know it seems kind of random and disjointed, but that scripture is really speaking to me. I needed that and I'm going to take some time to digest it. God was nudging me with it and I was being lazy.

Just to make this post even more random....I'll add a "Happy Ground Hog Day." Does anyone know if he saw his shadow?

Princess Phoebe turns 2

Okay, I am a little late with this...Phoebe's birthday was Sat. Jan. 24. After my last, somewhat disgusting, post I thought I should redeem myself by putting up a much more flattering picture of the princess, also known in these parts as Phoebs. You'll be happy to hear that no cake found it's way up her nose.

Gross Me Out

Look who was shoving macaroni & cheese up her nose at lunch the other day. I could not resist to take a picture.
What really makes this gross is that Phoebe has been really snotty the last couple days. As she pulled the noodle out out her nose a trail of snot followed behind it.
Can you guess what she did next?
Yep, she ate it! She thought she was pretty darn funny too.