My Husband

This is a post I originally wrote on 12/8/08, but it seems to have remained only as a draft. I thought with today being Valentine's Day it would be an appropriate time to share it.

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It's a strange thing ...grieving a child. I know that no two people grieve the same way, which brings me to my husband...Lewis. I picked him up from the airport the other day and the next day we went to church. During the worship service he looked over at me with tears in his eyes and said "I really miss her." Of course I knew exactly who he was talking about. I grabbed his hand and said "me too." He drove us to Joy's grave site after church and again became emotional.

Of course I know Lewis loves and misses Joy, but I don't always see that side of him. I think sometimes I'm too consumed by my own grief to think about his or I assume he is at a different place of acceptance in dealing with his grief. I guess we are both trying to find our own way through it. Sometimes it's difficult and other times we get by, whatever that means.



Lewis asked me today if I have ever had someone ask me how many kids I have since Joy was born. I knew exactly what he was asking me before he even got all the words out. It has been something I've been thinking about lately. The truth is I have not had anyone ask me this yet. I guess I don't get out enough or come in contact with new people who don't already know about what has happened. Of course the answer is ...I have 3 kids. While Lewis was on travel last week for work he said he was asked this many times. I asked him what he said. He said "I told them I have 3 kids." I asked him if he explained any further and he said not always and that sometimes there were questions that required further explanation like...how old are your kids?



It's funny the simple things that can bring a person joy. My husband, for as much as we butt heads sometimes, he brings me joy. He has so many facets to him. If the truth be known, I must confess he is really more sensitive than I and he sometimes surprises me. He is often very loud and boisterous, but then there are those times he gets so sentimental and wells up with tears when talking about the love he has for our kids and I. He'll really hate me saying this but I've even caught him crying during one of the proposals on "The Bachelor" reality show. I never let him forget it either. I also like to embarrass him with this small detail. I think it's kinda sweet.



I love that he doesn't over think things the way I do. He is just himself. Many times I'm too concerned with what others think, probably because I'm my biggest critic and think other people must be thinking the same things as me. Not the case.



Happy Valentine's Day Lewis! I love you! Happy Valentine's Day everyone!

Beauty for Ashes

I have to apologize for being a bad blogger these days. I guess I'm at a point where I'm not really sure what to write about that hasn't been said and I'm not sure of the direction I want to take with the blog. I am still grieving over the loss of my youngest daughter and it hurts terribly, but I don't really want to write over and over again how sad and distraught I am. I know you all get that. I mean after all the name of my blog is "Choose Joy." That's really what I want to inspire.


I am hit daily by the grief and it can show up in the strangest places and at the strangest, most unexpected times. I daily make the choice to either choose joy or not to choose joy. Can I be honest with you? I don't always make the right choice, but joy wins most days.



There is a scripture that has been impressed upon my heart lately and to be honest here I did not even know the whole scripture all I knew was this part, "His beauty for my ashes." I really did not even know what the scripture was about but it really just seemed to keep coming to mind lately. One of the pastors quoted it in church yesterday during a baptismal service. I thought ah ha....now I know where to find it...Isaiah. Really, after I heard the part "beauty for my ashes" the rest was a blur because I was so exited to hear it that I missed the rest and did not even catch where in Isaiah it was. What a dork!



Sure I could have looked this up sooner, but to be honest every time I thought about it I was no where near my computer. You know I am the google queen, but like I've said before...my short-term memory leaves much to be desired these days so as soon as I would think about it and realize I was unequipped to get the rest of the scripture I would forget about it. Until today that is...I knew that my grandmother O'Brien's sister wrote a book in the early 90's called "His Beauty for my Ashes" and I knew we had it on our book shelf. I haven't read the book, maybe I will now, it actually belongs to my mother as I saw the note Mabel had wrote to her in it. Anyway, to make a short story even longer...I found the scripture verse from that book. Pretty resourceful eh? And to think I did all that whilst writing this blog entry. So I literally just found the verse.


To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified.—Isaiah 61:3.



I liked that version of it, because it uses the word "joy." However, my bible puts it this way...Provide for those who grieve in Zion, to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and the garment of praise instead of despair. They will be called oaks of riteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.


Okay, it's all coming back to me now. You know, one of those scriptures I had long tucked away in my brain. In fact, I remember singing a song in church years ago with words from this scripture. Thank you for being patient in this blog post of discovery. LOL I know it seems kind of random and disjointed, but that scripture is really speaking to me. I needed that and I'm going to take some time to digest it. God was nudging me with it and I was being lazy.

Just to make this post even more random....I'll add a "Happy Ground Hog Day." Does anyone know if he saw his shadow?

Princess Phoebe turns 2

Okay, I am a little late with this...Phoebe's birthday was Sat. Jan. 24. After my last, somewhat disgusting, post I thought I should redeem myself by putting up a much more flattering picture of the princess, also known in these parts as Phoebs. You'll be happy to hear that no cake found it's way up her nose.

Gross Me Out

Look who was shoving macaroni & cheese up her nose at lunch the other day. I could not resist to take a picture.
What really makes this gross is that Phoebe has been really snotty the last couple days. As she pulled the noodle out out her nose a trail of snot followed behind it.
Can you guess what she did next?
Yep, she ate it! She thought she was pretty darn funny too.

Four Months

11:58am marked four months since Joy's quick arrival and departure from this world. I still can't believe it really happened. I know I say that a lot, but I really think that often. Maybe because I can't believe I'm still standing after everything that has happened...some days more firm than others. What a testament to God's grace. I don't deserve it, but he gives it anyway...and I'm so grateful he does.

It's amazing how much I have been changed by this baby girl that I never got to know outside my womb. She has impacted my life in ways I cannot fully express nor fully understand yet. I'm still a HUGE, I mean HUGE...did I say HUGE?.... work in progress, but for some reason I have a little more clarity. Clarity of who I am, whats important, how I see myself, my family, my God, and how my God sees me. I'm so glad he isn't finished with me yet.

Something I read on another blog that rings so true is this ...God allowed something in his wisdom that he could have prevented in his power. I just have to trust his wisdom, because man o man I wish he would have prevented my little girl from having so many physical abnormalities that they would not allow her little 2 pound body to function apart from mine. He did not prevent it, he allowed it. He did not allow it to teach me a lesson, he did not allow it because of something I did or did not do. It just wasn't all about me. It's about him! He has purpose for all of it far beyond what my eyes can see, far beyond my pain and tears.

I'm clinging to the word God gave me during some of my darkest, most unjoyful (is that a word?), hours this summer from John 15:11 I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and your joy may be complete. I know my sweet Joy is complete and made whole in heaven worshipping the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords. What a vision that is...literally takes my breath away. But like I said, even though I know it's not all about me, I know he is not finished with me yet. I know he is gradually restoring my joy, but better than that...I know he will be faithful to make my joy complete!

Back to School...Again

Well, I survived my first day of classes yesterday. Saying I survived is probably a tad bit on the dramatic side being as I will only be in class two days a week with a total of only 6 hours in class. So not a demanding schedule to say the least, but it's still a crazy feeling to be back in school since the last time I was in class was 1997. I'm taking anatomy and physiology as well as a math course. Ugh....I know! I have quite a limited background in these areas so it should be interesting.


I was so concerned that I was going to be the oldest person there....okay, totally not the case! Of course there were students much younger than me and probably a couple that were at least 15-20 years my senior. I suppose you could say I fit somewhere in the middle. Here's an example that makes me chuckle...while waiting for Lewis to pick me up from class I spotted a student with a Hello Kitty backpack??? Ummm I think they would have been made fun of in high school with something like that never mind college. (hope I did not offend anyone that likes Hello Kitty) An older gentlemen who I would say was probably about 60 years old told me that he was checking out where all his classes were before he started them this week so he doesn't get lost.....I guess he is taking a pre-algebra course starting tomorrow. Kudos to him....seriously!



It will be interesting embarking on this new adventure to say the least. I'd be lying if I told you I wasn't nervous. Anxious is probably the better word to use here. I'm sure in no time I'll be adjusted and bee bopping right along. Could you say a little prayer for me when it comes to school. Not just regarding the actual academics (although I do NEED to get really high grades to get into the LPN program), but also the juggling of everything else...you know kids, husband, work, and the numerous things that go along with those. I'm notorious for either having lots on my plate or nothing at all. I guess it's obvious what this is?

But We're Not Toys...

My heart is so heavy tonight...getting tossed around by these waves. Every once in a while I feel snapped back to my reality. Nothing in particular usually sets it off, but I guess tonight it was seeing Elijah and Phoebe get up on the chair in the living room to kiss a framed photo of Joy. It really is cute to see and I love that they love her so much even in her absence. Shortly after of course I start thinking....did this really all happen? Yes, I know it did, but it seems I go through life with so many distractions that it's hard to find time to just sit and be and feel the moment.

This is something I've been thinking a lot about lately....living in the moment and really feeling all that moment has to offer. I think my recent post "learning to dance in the rain" somewhat alluded to this idea. If you are anything like me ...you spend a lot of time looking back at the past and probably even more time thinking and dreaming about the future. What about today? Well, not to disappoint you, but I don't have anything really insightful on the topic tonight just to say that it's been on my mind a lot lately. I'm purposely trying to live in the moment and be thankful for what each day brings. It's a pretty simple concept, but much harder in reality...at least for me. Certainly I cannot be the only one?


So on that note of enjoying the moment...I was spending some time with Elijah in his bed tonight talking... he wanted me to lay down in his bed and cuddle with him. As I was laying there with him stroking his hair, the conversation went something like this...

Me: You are such a precious gift.

Elijah: What? (with a confused facial expression)

Me: You are such a precious gift from God.

Elijah: I am?

Me: Yes. You, Phoebe, and Joy are precious gifts to Mama & Papa from God.

Elijah: We are gifts?

Me: Yes.

Elijah: Mama, but we're not toys. *giggle*

Me: No. Much better than toys. Jesus makes and gives the best gifts.

Elijah: Jesus made me.

Me: Absolutely!



Two of my most precious gifts here on earth!