One Month

Written on October 15, 2008. Oct. 15th also happens to be the National Day of Remembrance for pregnancy and infant loss.

It was one month today that Joy was born and went on to be with the Lord. I decided to go to her grave site and spend some time there. It was a cool 65 degrees outside, a beautiful autumn day. The trees were all in full color. I went and sat by her grave stone. I did not purposely go with my Bible, but lucky for me I had it in my car. I have to say as a side note that I have been so hungry these days for the word of God. Hungry to dig into his word either for comfort, for strength, for answers, or for truth. Today was no exception.

I've said before that I've been at a loss for what to pray for these days and the following scripture certainly rings true in my life right now. I heard it quoted on the christian radio station the other day and knew that was for me.

Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. Romans 8:26-27

Boy do I understand "groanings too deep for words." I just said "God I don't know what to pray for...please speak to me, please show me something." I don't know if you are like me when you pray, but often times I never shut up and just listen. It's often a one-sided conversation. I thought since I did not have any words that it might be a good time to try and listen.

I was looking at the ground around Joy's grave stone and was really captivated by the grass seed on the dirt. I noticed that some of the seed had taken root and was starting to sprout up. In other parts the seed just seemed to lay there on top of the earth. Parts of the ground had some cracks in it from lack of moisture. We haven't had much rain these days come to think of it. (We actually just got some after my visit there) I could not get the grass seed out of my head and thought "God, what is the significance of the grass seed that you are trying to show me?"

I opened my Bible and went to the index to find scriptures with the word "seed" in it. The first one I turned to was,1 Peter 1:23-25 For you have been born again, not of perishable seed, but imperishable, through the living and enduring word of God. For, All men are like grass, and all their glory is like the flowers of the field; the grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of the Lord stands forever.

This life is really just a fleeting moment in light of eternity. My life, your life, Joy's life....a fleeting moment. I've never been able to wrap my head around eternity. In fact, the idea of eternity scared me as a child. Nevertheless, if there is one thing that we can hold on to it's God and his word. It never changes. His principles are eternal.

In Luke 8:11-15 it states the meaning of the parable mentioned a few verses earlier: The seed is the word of God. Those along the path are the ones who hear, and then the devil comes and takes away the word from their hearts, so that they may not believe and be saved. Those on the rock are the ones who receive the word with joy when they hear it, but they have no root. They believe for a while, but in the time of testing they fall away. The seed that fell among thorns stands for those who hear, but as they go on their way they are choked by life's worries, riches, pleasures, and they do not mature. But the seed on good soil stands for those with a noble and good heart, who hear the word, retain it, and by persevering produce a crop.
I want my heart to be "good soil" that produces a crop. That is my prayer! That the seeds of truth that are being planted in me during this time would mature, bear fruit and produce a crop. I don't want to be that seed I saw sitting there on the dirt not taking root, not watered, and dried up.

I've always felt close to God in nature. Admiring his creation. I mean who can look at some of the most awesome things in nature and deny his existence? At least this is how I have always felt. Just look at the majesty of the rocky mountains, the power of Niagara Falls, it takes my breath away. Some of my greatest "quiet times" with the Lord have been outside. I had a place on the campus of the University of Toronto, when I was a student there, that I liked to retreat to in order to gather my thoughts, pray, etc. I called it my grassy knoll. Not to be confused with the grassy knoll referred to in the assassination of JKF. I digress...you get the point....let me get on with my visit to the grave site.

The maple tree close to Joy's grave site had the most brilliant red leaves. I would venture to say it had the most brilliant bright leaves of any of the trees in the cemetery. The red leaves were strewn about on the ground and I tucked a few in my Bible to take with me. Something I noticed as I was driving out was that most of the rest of the leaves in the cemetery all appeared to be dry and brittle with a brownish yellow hue. You know...the kind of leaves that crunch when you step on them. The red leaves on the ground below the maple tree were not only bright red, but they were flexible, not crisp. Not sure the significance of all that, but it was just one of the details I picked up on. For some reason it brought me joy.

Anyway, back to sitting there on the ground....I could feel the wind all around me. Leaves were falling from the trees like snowflakes falling from the sky in winter. It was quite beautiful. In the wind I could so strongly feel the presence of God. Just as God gave me that beautiful vision when Joy was born, today he gave me another. As I could feel the wind blowing against my left cheek I envisioned God holding Joy up under her arms to give me a kiss on the cheek. What a sweet wind. I could feel it cooling the tears running down my face. Not thinking of this at the time, but later realizing that wind has often been used as a symbol for the Holy Spirit. Not only that, but we know from scriptures that the Holy Spirit is our comforter. I certainly felt comforted!

I really thought I was going there to have a good cry. I did cry some, but even more than that I left with peace and a little more joy!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
With all the talk about leaves I thought I'd post some recent pics of the kids enjoying the leaves.

The red leaves I brought home.

Did I say enjoying the leaves?



Look close. Yes, that is a piece of leaf in her mouth. Yum!

Never Going Back to Okay

I think I need to clarify a bit. I know the title of this post sounds a tad depressing, but I have a new take on it. Well, new in the sense that I'm looking at it in a different light. I've listened to this Christian song before and thought "ya, that's right ...I'm never going back to okay." I saw this as a bad thing because when I think about the past it's the recent past I think about. My past where Joy was still safe inside my belly and I could feel her move. The past where I was holding her, kissing her, talking to her, breathing her in. The past where our family was all together.....Lewis, me, Elijah, Phoebe, and Joy! Granted it was in the hospital and Joy wasn't alive, but we were still together if even only for the blink of an eye.

My last post "Life on Mars" alluded to this concept of never going back to the ways things were. As we were driving back home from church yesterday the song "Never Going Back to Okay" was playing on the radio. It's really kind of a groovy song. (Yes, I said groovy.) It truly is a positive message really, but I was looking at it like a bad thing. God was showing me that not going back to okay wasn't a bad thing. In my grief I suppose it's normal to reflect back on that time. That period of time between March and September, particularly since May 2 when we knew there was something wrong with her. It's just a fact that there won't ever be a day that goes by where I don't think about my sweet Joy. The last thing I want to do is get stuck in a funk of just looking backwards with sorrow. Obviously that will happen now and then, but I really am trying to focus on the joyful aspects of all of this. That may sound very strange to some of you but.......the joy of the Lord is my strength! Nehemiah 8:10

I don't ever regret for a moment carrying Joy in my womb for as long as God allowed it. 30 weeks and one day to be exact. The pain and heartbreak was worth having her in our lives, even it is was very brief. I feel so blessed to be able to call her my daughter. She was no less a gift from God than my other children. She has changed my life for the better and so I can say that I'm never going back to "okay" and that's okay with me. I mean "okay" isn't so great anyway. I want better than "okay." Plus, just going back to "okay" would not honor Joy's life now would it?


By the way, I just added the song to my playlist at the bottom of this page.

Never Going Back to Okay
Performed by The Afters

It's not the end
But it feels like it is
I'm waking up
Like I'm back from the dead
I'm stepping out
And I feel so afraid
But as long as I'm moving it's all right
I feel alive
And it hurts for a change
And looking back
and it's hard to believe
That I was cool
With the days that I wasted
complacent and tasteless and bored
but That was yesterday

We're never going back to OK
We're never going back to easy
We're never going back to the way it was
We're never going back to OK

This discontent
Like a slap in the face
Of mediocre
I've had enough of this place
This party's over
And I'm moving away from the frills of you Beverly Hills
but that was yesterday

We're never going back to OK
We're never going back to easy
We're never going back to the way it was
We're never going back to OK

We're here to stay
This is our time
Our only life
Our chance to live

We're never going back to OK
We're never going back to easy
We're never going back to the way it was
We're never going back to OK

Life on Mars

Don't be fooled by my lack of posting this week. I have a lot of thoughts these days, but few words to express what I am feeling.

I checked out that new show on TV last night called "Life on Mars." It was alright, but I couldn't help but think about the title of the show and the storyline behind it. "Life on Mars" is a good way to describe how I feel these days. The main character, a police detective, is living in the year 2008, gets hit by a car, and somehow is in transported to 1973. There are some familiar things to him in 1973 and some parallels to what he was dealing with in 2008 and from what I can gather he is trying to find his way back to 2008.

I guess that is kinda how I am feeling these days since Joy's birth/ death. Like I am in a life that is very similar to the one I had before that, but it's very different at the same time. Somehow I'm trying to figure out how to get back there, but I know it will never be the same as I knew it before.

With that said, I found a quote on a website of poetry regarding baby loss. This passage is apparently from a bereavement book. It is untitled and no author is mentioned. I was struck by how much this quote really captured what I've been feeling and kinda what I just expressed.

When my baby died, I felt as though I was suddenly caught up in a tornado whirlwind, spinning around in circles and upside down, finally dropping at lightening speed back to earth, but in a totally different place from where I was first picked up, and unable to find my way back to the place I had been before. That place no longer exists.

Hmmmm, kinda reminds me of "The Wizard of OZ." Anyway, you get the point. I'm not much of a poetry buff, but I found a few poems that really express what I am feeling these days. Their words are much more eloquent than mine

Untitled

Author Unknown
A million times we'll miss you,

a million times we'll cry.

If loving could have saved you,

you never would have died.

In life we love you dearly,

In death we love you too.

In our hearts there is an empty place,

no one could fill but you.

It broke our hearts to lose you,

but you never went alone.

for part of us went with you,

when God took you home.

His garden must be pretty,

he only wants the best.

He put his loving arms around you and said:

"My child, come home to rest".

Untitled

Author Unknown
I think about you day and night and wonder "Why Me?",

I wanted you so very much my precious baby.

At least I had the chance to hold you and feel your touch.

And to tell you to remember Mommy loves you very much.

I know they say with time the pain will go away.

But my love and memories for you will always stay.

I wanted so much to hear you laugh and cry,

so many dreams have just passed me by.

I know I must let go and begin to move on,

but I don't know how to say goodbye...

Dear Mommy

by Darlene Browning
Dear Mommy,

I just wanted to let you know that I made it home.

The journey wasn't an easy one,

but it didn't take too long.

Everything is so pretty here,

so white, so fresh and new.

I wish that you could close your eyes

and that you could see it too.

Please try not to be sad for me...Try to understand.

God is taking care of me... I'm in the shelter of His hands.

Here there is no sadness, no sorrow, and no pain.

Here there is no crying, and I'll never hurt again.

Here it is so peaceful when all the angels sing,

I really have to go now-I've just got to try my wings!

REMEMBERING

by Elizabeth Dent

Go ahead and mention my child.
The one that died, you know.
Don't worry about hurting me further.
The depth of my pain doesn't show.
Don't worry about making me cry.
I'm already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing
The tears that I try to hide.
I'm hurt when you just keep silent,
Pretending she didn't exist.
I'd rather you mention my child,
Knowing that she has been missed.
You asked me how I was doing.
I say "pretty good" or "fine".
But healing is something ongoing.
I feel it will take a lifetime.

Weakness

I've found it a little more difficult to post this week. Lewis has stolen his laptop back so now when I want to get on the computer I have to go all the way down to the basement to use my desktop. Never before have I felt a desire to have a laptop. I can assure you my next computer will be just that.

Anyway...life goes on here. As much as I would like to hide myself away sometimes it's just too hard to do with two young kids. This week has felt the most normal (so far) for me since Joy's birth...whatever "normal" is? Part of me feels bad for saying that, almost guilty for getting on with my life, even though most of the time I don't feel like moving on. I want to wallow in self-pity. It's a constant battle. More on that later...

I am now finally allowed to physically pick up my kids. Of course this was not such a big deal with Elijah since he is 4 and doesn't require a lot of picking up, but I know Phoebe was mad at me for a while. I'm sure my time in the hospital and then back home where I could not pick her up was hard for her to understand. She did often seem angry with me. All is well now. It feels so good to be able to pick both kids up now if I need to.

I went to the doctor's on Thursday for my post op appointment. I guess all is healing as well as can be expected. I still have some numbness close to the incision and I'm praying to regain feeling there by the time I completely heal. Gotta go back at the end of the month and that should be it.

I had a chance to ask my doctor some things I was a little fuzzy on regarding Joy and her abnormalities. I don't believe I've mentioned it here before, but Lewis and I chose not to have an autopsy done on Joy. For us personally, we did not feel that it would have provided us with any more answers than we already had. We knew from the CVS testing that she did not have any chromosomal disorders. We also knew about the fluid around her heart and brain from the ultrasounds. We also learned some new things after her birth, like her having a right leg (Praise God!) and which organs had developed outside of her abdomen, and how she was connected to the placenta. To let you know, it was her liver, intestines, and bladder that developed on the outside of her little body and she was attached to the placenta by way of her liver. Other details I am choosing not to share with the whole world.

Bottom line is we did not feel an autopsy, in Joy's case, would have given us any more significant details than we already had. The more significant questions I have...well...we've gone over that before haven't we? Only God has those answers.

I'm realizing that as I go on in this journey and deal with my grief that choosing joy is a daily choice. Quite honestly, it is a daily struggle. Some days I have to fight for that joy a little harder than others. Countless numbers of you have commented how strong I am, how brave I am etc. I really have to point you to Jesus, because without Him, none of what seems strong and brave to you would be remotely possible. I just really felt the need to make that clear here.

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. 2 Corinthians 12:9

Some Comic Relief

Anyone who has seen me in the past week and a half will attest to the massive scab hovering just below my lip. Sounds gross right? Well, to be honest...it is.

It started to develop the afternoon of Joy's funeral. It started out as a cluster of tiny bumps and had that "tingly" feeling. At first I thought I was breaking out with a couple zits and then thought it to be more of the feeling you get when a cold sore first starts. Well once I started applying the cold sore medicine it quickly scabbed. Okay Sharleen, you said it was massive? Yes, we are not talking your average facial scab. This thing is easily the size of a dime. Mind you it is slowly getting smaller, but not nearly as fast as I would like.


As nasty as it sounds, it looks ever worse. However, I must say it has no doubt provided us all with some much needed comic relief. Lewis has joked how it looks like a piece of chocolate and how I could always just walk around with my hand covering that side of my mouth. We've compared how it looked like the BBQ sauce Lewis had on his mouth after eating his ribs the other day, although not as shiny. I've sworn that this thing has a life of it's own and even it's own pulse. Phoebe has been pointing to it for days. My neighbor, Sarah, suggested that perhaps I should name it. LOL I have to admit I've even been tossing some names around in my head. People no longer look me in the eyes when they are talking to me. I mean who can blame them? It's kinda like a train wreck...you just can't look away.



Okay, I know what you are thinking....this girl really has lost it. Perhaps, but no doubt it has provided many a friends and family a good laugh. I certainly don't take myself too seriously that I can't laugh at myself and recognize how silly I look these days. Sorry, no pictures. I may be crazy, but I'm not stupid!

**Update: I wrote this a couple days ago and as of today the scab fell off! Now I just pray the redness goes away and I am left with no scar.

Joy's Garden & Headstone Pictures

Lewis breaks the ground with a sod cutter. The best $25 ever spent for a rental.

Elijah and our dog Isabel want to help.

Lewis is always so safety minded. Great foot protection, no to mention fashion statement.

If you can tell from the pictures...we made the garden heart-shaped.
We planted a weeping mulberry tree, sandcherry bushes, black-eyed susans, a knock-out rose bush, and stella de oro daylillies.

A different angle. We still need to put down mulch and are thinking of lining the garden with rocks. I'll update pics as we do more work on it.

The headstone just got put in the other day. I went yesterday to Joy's grave site to see the completed headstone for the first time.

I'm really happy with the way it turned out.


Looks like someone planted this and put the little statue of an angel holding a bunny in front of Joy's headstone.


I went by myself yesterday as the kids were napping and Lewis was home with them. I had myself a good cry. I told God I was at a loss for what to pray for. Joy no longer needs my prayers as she is with him. I did not want to pray for healing of my heart...I'm not ready for that yet. I just wanted him to give her a big hug and a kiss for me and to let her know how much I miss and love her and look forward to holding her again one day in heaven.

I cried so much I gave myself a splitting headache. I haven't had one like that in years. You know the kind where any kind of light, sound or movement make you absolutely miserable? Well, that is the kind.....almost migraine like really. I slept if off last night and woke up without one.

Two Weeks

It's been 14 days, two weeks.

I wonder how long I'm going to continue to measure time like this? Knowing me, I'll probably always measure time like this. Even more so I'll think about how old Joy would have been and what she would have been doing given her age. I'm sure that is normal too.


The other day was the first day I drove since I had Joy, the first day I went to the grocery store, and a couple of other firsts. I've always kinda measured monumental experiences in this regard for some reason. I assume other people do this sort of thing? I don't know.


Things since her birth/death are changing. It has turned from summer to fall. Leaves are starting to fall from the trees. The flowers that people have sent are starting to wilt. My milk is now drying up. My incision is healing, although it still hurts at times. I guess I'm supposed to get on with normal life, although I do have 3 more weeks off of work. Part of me doesn't want to get on with normal life. I mean what is "normal" after this? Everything seems so mundane. It's like I want to stay frozen in time. Where I can look around my house and everywhere be reminded of Joy. From the flowers, the cards, the meals people have brought for us, the maternity clothes I am no longer wearing, the thank you cards I still need to write and send. I want to stay in time where my memories of her will still be so vivid. Part of me wants to stay grieving and not move on. To continue to feel that fresh wound.


Boy that sounds so depressing and sadistic. Is this a normal way to feel after losing someone? They say that grief comes in waves, and it certainly does. I experienced this even while I was pregnant with Joy. Some days were okay and others not so much. I suppose I can expect this for quite sometime.


It's so easy to get caught up in the grief and I know at this point in time it is expected. The tears feeling healing. They feel cleansing. Have you ever noticed how songs often use the metaphor of rain and storms to depict pain and difficult times? Many of the songs on my play list are about rain and storms. I mean anyone who has ever taken a literature course knows that water signifies rebirth.


Think about how much we need the rain to produce crops and to sustain life. In order to produce "fruit" in our lives, we all need a little rain. Not many of us actually like the rain, but I think it's safe to say that we all enjoy the benefits of it....green grass, beautiful flowers, delicious fruit and veggies to name a few. While it's raining we often complain, think about how we would rather be outside doing something we enjoy. It sometimes makes us want to hibernate and curl up in bed. Heck, the rain itself can sometimes be pretty depressing, especially if it has been raining for days on end. I suppose the same can be said for the rain that comes into our lives for a season. The trials, the difficult times that we all experience one time or another.


One of the first scriptures that kept coming to mind as we started to go through this journey was James 1:2-4. I love how it mentions joy and this was even before we knew we were having a girl and named her Joy. Cool huh?


Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trails of many kinds, because you know the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must first finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.


The whole first chapter of James has some great stuff it it. Read it.


For some reason this scripture has grabbed me for years. Mostly during my university days. I guess maybe I thought I had some difficult times back then? LOL I don't know. Or I think maybe I thought it such a strange scripture. I mean come on.......consider it pure joy when you face trials??? Does anything sound more abnormal than this? Perhaps as I am nearing my ...uh em *clearing my throat*...mid 30's it's not so hard to see how difficult times have brought great growth in my life. This is probably more difficult to see in your very early 20's unless you've been through a lot and have gained some insight.


I'm not sure why I'm writing all this. I suppose part of me writes this to encourage you if you are facing difficult times and part of me writes this to remind myself. If I didn't have Jesus carrying me through, I don't really know how I would cope.


Do you guys remember that poem "Footprints in the Sand?" It seems pretty fitting in light of my last thought. I, like many of you probably read this a hundred times and thought..."Oh, that's nice", but I could never fully relate like I can now.


Footprints in the Sand


One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there was one only.
This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods
of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints, so I said to the Lord,
“You promised me Lord,that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life
there has only been one set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”
The Lord replied, “The years when you have seen only one
set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you.”


Mary Stevenson, 1936


Does this post seem as much like a jumbled mess to you as it does to me? I'm not quite sure that I completely finished a coherent thought. Let just say I'm writing in a stream of consciousness.


Before I end this post I wanted to share some pictures from my camera. More to come later.


We are quite the motley crew. This has to be one of the few pictures ever where Phoebe is cooperating and nobody else is. LOL


Elijah loving on Joy.


Lewis, Elijah, and Joy.


Phoebe looks at her little sister.


Baby Joy





Joy and I at the funeral home.


The balloon release in our backyard.