Praise You in this Storm

I just wanted to share one of the songs that has really spoken to me during this time with Joy. Read the lyrics and you'll understand why. I cannot hear this song without crying. As a matter of fact, even after sitting here and just reading the lyrics I cannot maitain a dry eye.

It is truly how I feel. Even though my heart is torn...I will praise you in this storm.

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Praise You in This Storm~~Casting Crowns

words by Mark Hall/music by Mark Hall and Bernie Herms



I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down

and wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day.

But once again, I say amen and it's still raining

as the thunder rolls

I barely hear You whisper through the rain,

"I'm with you"

and as Your mercy falls I raise my hands

and praise the God who gives and takes away.



Chorus:

And I'll praise you in this storm

and I will lift my hands

for You are who You are

no matter where I am

and every tear I've cried

You hold in your hand

You never left my side

and though my heart is torn

I will praise You in this storm



I remember when I stumbled in the wind

You heard my cry to You

and raised me up again

my strength is almost gone

how can I carry on if I can't find

You and as the thunder rolls

I barely hear You whisper through the rain

"I'm with you"

and as Your mercy falls

I raise my hands

and praise the God who gives and takes away



Chorus



I lift my eyes onto the hills

where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord,

the maker of heaven and earth

I lift my eyes onto the hills

where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord,

the maker of heaven and earth



Chorus

We have movement

I thought I should post and let those who read my blog know that Joy was moving around last night and some this morning. Not tons of movement, but unfortunately that seems to be the norm for her. Obvioulsy, it will be something I'll have to continue to monitor in the upcoming weeks. She's a fighter, but I really wish she didn't have to be.

Update

I had an OB appt. this morning. Amanda, my OB, had a hard time finding Joy's heartbeat at first and then when she found it it sounded kinda irregular and slow. Amanda said it sounded like the heart was skipping some beats. She was going to try and get me set up for a quick ultrasound, but wouldn't ya know it the stupid machine was being worked on. She listened a little more with the doppler to her heartbeat and it was still slow beating at about 80-100 beats per minute and got up to the 140-150 range, which is where she normally is. Amanda said normally they would likely send me to the hospital and hook me up to a monitor to see what is going on and if need be deliver the baby. She also said we don't know necessarily what is going on when we are not listeing to the heartbeat. She suggested that if I feel no movement for about 12-24 hours to come in for an u/s or go to labour and delivery if it is at night.

I'm not really sure what to think. Joy has not been moving much today, although she seems to be more active at night. I guess I'll just see what happens tonight and go in tomorrow if I need to. This is my worst fear...something happening while Lewis is out of town. I'm doing fine though, I'm not anticipating the worst at this point. Please just keep us in your prayers.

Something of interest Amanda did say was that if Joy is still in a breach position come 36 weeks they will likley go ahead and schedule a c-section around that time. That brings us to the last week in October. Now if we can see eye to eye on when the real due date is. I say it is Nov. 23 and according to their handy cycle wheel I should be due around Nov. 15. Not to sound like a "know it all," but I really do know better in this case regarding the cycle I had while I conceived Joy. It was longer than normal. I've been right with all my kids and their due dates when doctors have always marked my due date as sooner than it really was. Anyway, it's not that big of a deal, but I'm such a stickler for details.

I can't believe how fast things are moving along. It really makes me sad to think that Joy may only be alive inside of me for another 6 weeks. I just want to keep her safe inside of me, but I really don't know that she is safe in there either. If her heart is beating irregularly it sounds like she may be in distress? This really sucks!

First Steps

I have to post that my 19 month old daughter, Phoebe, has officially taken her first steps! It happened on Friday and she has done it everyday since then...5 days in a row. Yes, I said she is 19 months!!! Talk about a late bloomer! Nobody is more excited than me. It gets quite exhausting having to carry around a 24 pound child when you are 29 weeks pregnant. It's really only an issue when we are not at home...well except for those darn stairs. Ugh! I'm hoping and praying that in the next month the walking will be a full-time gig for her. She has become quite proficient in scooting on her butt. For those of you have seen it first hand it's quite a sight. For months now she has been wearing thin her pants and shorts on her right butt cheek and I must say they get quite dirty. Many are permanently stained. Anyway, I'm just happy there seems to be an end, or should I say a beginning, in sight!

Anger?

I am in heartburn hell right now. Nothing I seem to do will make it go away. Any suggestions besides the obvious...Tums and milk? Ugh! I thought eating some Twizzlers couldn't hurt. Boy, was I wrong...made it worse. I have to admit the heartburn with Joy is not nearly as bad as it was with Elijah and Phoebe, or at least not as consistent. Anyway...week 29 is here. Joy is still moving around nice and cozy in my uterus. I swear sometimes she must think she lives in a crazy house! She has probably been freaked out a couple times this past week with crying children in her ear. For some reason Elijah and Phoebe's heads end up on my belly, particularly Elijah's and he is the loudest, when they are upset. No one can scream like my son. I think it is supposed to be crying, but it really sounds like a scream. You know the kind of scream that makes your hair stand on end? That's the one! Anyway, Joy is probably wondering what kinda crazy family is she a part of?

Lewis is gone this week on business. This is supposed to be the last trip for sometime considering we don't know when Joy is going to decide to make an appearance. Based on the my doc's previous experience of one case and another lady whom I have connected with online who had a son with limb body wall complex (LBWC) they delivered at 31 and 32 weeks. I did find something while net surfing the other day about a baby who was delivered at 36 weeks. All babies were delivered stillborn. Interestingly enough I've had a couple people ask me this week if I would consider being induced early or I suppose in my case scheduling a c-section early to be able to possibly have some time with Joy alive. You know I never really gave that consideration. Partially because I was not sure how long she would survive inside my womb and also because my doctor thinks her lungs will not be developed properly due to the abdominal wall defect. She really thinks that it is highly unlikely she will ever take a breath. Honestly, at this point I'm not considering scheduling anything early. If we are getting into the 34th, 35th and 36th week of pregnancy where a normal baby's lungs would be very close to being fully developed I may prayerfully consider it. As much as I would love even a few precious moments with her while she was alive, part of me wonders if that is selfish. As without a miracle inducing labor would essentialy lead to her death or at least possibly make that time come sooner. Outside of a miracle I have little evidence to believe that if we were to induce early that we would even get that time with her alive. Ultimately, Jesus has the final say on how this will all play out.

My first OB appt. after the LBWC diagnosis was hard because for some reason I was thinking I might at least get a few minutes with her alive. I hadn't up until that point heard anything either way, but when I asked my OB and she told me that she didn't believe that she would even take a breath I was devastated. I recall driving home by myself crying and yelling at God that I just wanted 5 minutes...was that too much to ask? 5 minutes? After I gained my composure I made peace with the fact that Jesus is in control and the doctors can speculate and take their best guess as to what is going to happen, but again He has the final say.

If you're wondering am I or was I ever angry at God so far during this journey my answer would have to be...I'm not sure. I thought for a while I was angry at Him. I have certainly toyed with the emotion of anger toward God. I don't know that I ever came to an understanding if I was truly angry at him or just extremely disappointed? Just like I never questioned Him before this, I don't think I ever felt anger towards Him. Perhaps part of it is anger. Not in the sense of turning my back on Him and going my own way, but anger in the "why?" I feel this a lot while at church, most noteably during the worship part of the service. I find it so hard to get through most songs without tears. We sing about what an awesome, powerful, loving, gracious God we serve and I agree, but in the back of my mind I think...Yes God you are all that and I believe it ....so why is this happening, this doesn't have to happen...it's not too late for a miracle.

When I think of people in the Bible who went through a difficult time I immediately think of Job. I mean if I think I'm going through a difficult time...I've got nothing on Job. His sons and daughters were killed, his livestock were killed, he was afflicted with painful sores, judged by his friends to name but a few. He certainly expressed a lot of anger towards God. It was certainly poetic, but angry nonetheless. While reading this I came across one of those handy Bible indexes titled "Is it wrong to be angry with God?" To my surprise it said....No. The problem comes when legitimate feelings of anger are not handled correctly and lead to inappropriate bitterness and rebellion that sometimes accompany anger. The Bible realistically portrays the frustration and anger of God's people when things go wrong or when they cannot understand why certain things happen. This was the reason for Job's anger. Not only did he feel he was being treated unjustly by God, but he could get no explanation from him. Though his suffering caused many questions and anguish, he went too far when he insisted that he had a right to an explanation. In the end, God spoke to Job and set him straight: God had the right to question Job, not the other way around. Job realized he had been arrogant and that his anger was unjustified. When confronted by the awesomeness of God, Job repented.

Anyway, I thought that was interesting. Job also thought that God was angry, but God was not angry at Job; God was testing him. In another Bible index it says " Such sublte distinctions are hard to sort out while facing suffering, however. In the process of refining our faith, God often chooses to keep his purposes hidden.

I can so relate with a lot of that. ;)

You may be right...I may be crazy.

I'm not really sure how to start this post. This is something that has been bothering me for a while, but honestly I'm glad I haven't blogged about it until now. It's funny how thoughts and feelings change over time when you process through them and you come to a new understanding of what it is you are really feeling. With that said....I'll get on with it.

For quite sometime I had been feeling really self-absorbed and taking it very personally when people who knew what I was dealing with and going through with Joy chose to ignore the topic or seemed to distance themselves. I understand that it does not mean they don't care, they just don't know what to say etc. Let me just say...the silence has been deafening! I was probably one of those people before going through this. I've never lost anyone close to me and it really does make you ignorant as to how to deal with death and maybe even how to support someone who is grieving.

Let me just put it out there. I don't mind people asking questions. It's not like bringing it up is going to reminder me of what is going on, trust me...I can't forget. I find it worse to say nothing in fear of saying something wrong. Your heart will speak louder than your words. I know it's a difficult topic and most people fortunately have never had to deal with this...thank God!

I could go on and on how this bothered me, but I'll cut to the chase. It's not that it doesn't bother me anymore, but I've come to a better understanding of why I am feeling what I'm feeling. I want people to know that Joy matters, and for people to stay silent or to pretend like I am not pregnant hurts because she matters so much to me. I know this is not a normal pregnancy and so it lacks a lot of the cheerful milestones that everyone likes to share in as the the arrival of a new baby draws near, regardless Joy is still our child, a member of our family, a child of God, sister to Phoebe and Elijah. I want her life to have mattered and have had purpose. Perhaps that is partially why I have chosen to blog.

Part of this is my own issue that I'm dealing with. I'm not typically one to reach out for support. I never thought I had to explain to people, I figured I was the one hurting why do I have to seek to be understood? Maybe this was wrong...maybe I'm crazy...maybe it's all in my head...maybe I'm too consumed by my present situation? I really think a lot of it has even been a distraction of what God is trying to show me in all of this. Getting my eyes off of Him and focusing on reasons to be bitter and angry.

Open for Business

So I have now officially opened my blog up to be viewed by all who care to read. Initially I had intended for it to be like my own personal therapeutic journal and eventually sharing it with others. That process has been quickened by my husband. In his own way to be understood he shared my blog with a few people. Which probably would not have been that big of a deal except that I had not yet shared it with those I am close to and plus he didn't ask. He thought anyone could find it online, but that was not the case. Anyway, I still love you Lewis.