Choose Joy

First post of the year?

2010-08-10T09:22:00.009-04:00

I know...first post this year. I won't even begin to make any excuses. I will say that I have sat down a couple times to try and put together an update. The truth is when you go 8 months between posts the thought of providing a complete update becomes a very daunting task. I just can't do it...it's been a very full 8 months.

Let's start with Rhys. He is 9 months now. Yes, 9 months! He is a very happy baby. We've had our challenges and to make a semi-long story short...we found out at 6 months that he has many food allergies. Here is the complete list: milk, eggs, peanuts, chicken, tuna, tomatoes, and peas. The allergy we found out on our own was the milk allergy. I tried supplementing with some formula one day which ended up with an ER visit as he broke out in head to toe hives within minutes. I've changed my diet to eliminate these things as best as I can and it has made a huge difference for his tummy, his sleep, and his skin.

Elijah and Phoebe are growing up...I guess there is no way to stop that, eh? Elijah, now 6, and Phoebe, now 3, are each other's best friends and each other's worst enemies. Gotta love that sibling rivalry. They have their moments, but they are such good kids and I am so proud of them.

As for myself, I start the RN program at the local college in 13 days. I have mixed emotions about this. I'm thrilled to have been accepted into the program (afterall, I did work very hard on my prereqs) and I'm looking forward to this new phase of my life, but am not excited about Phoebe and Rhys having to go to daycare. I've been blessed to be in a position and have opportunities since I've been a mom to not have to place my kids in childcare so this is going to be hard for me. I have anxiety mostly about Rhys and his allergies and me not being able to control his environment and now the latest being that he refuses to take a bottle or a cup. He wants his Momma's milk directly from Momma and no other source. Praying this works itself out soon. I have so many other thoughts and emotions regarding being away from the kids during the day. I won't get into it all, but I ask for your prayers.

I can't believe next month will mark 2 years since Joy went home to be with Jesus. I, of course, still think about and miss her everyday....and more so recently likely because of this upcoming milestone. I'm not really sure how I'm dealing with my grief these days. I don't find that I have time to reflect and sort through any of it these days. I'm still moved by people who have the courage to mention her name to me. It warms my heart to no end...and as I write this I'm starting to tear up. There's lots going on under the surface...maybe I'll try to tackle this topic one day if I'm able to actually sort through it myself.

So there is my attempt at an update. Kinda brief and not too complete, but an update nonetheless. Here are a few pics for your viewing pleasure.

Rhys' Birth Story

2009-12-04T09:15:00.002-05:00

6:00 am, Lewis and I arrive at the hospital. I have to say it was really surreal being there again. The last time I was there was when I left empty handed after Joy's birth. While we were waiting to check in I eyed the purple tear drops behind the desk sticking to a filing cabinet. This was a marker that was placed outside my room after Joy's birth to indicate that there was not a happy scene going on on the other side of the door. Then I heard the cry of a newborn baby. I could feel tears welling up in my eyes as the last time I was there that sounds was so heartbreaking to me because I never did get to hear that sweet sound from Joy. It was a reminder of what I was missing. Lewis had requested a specific room number like we were checking into a hotel, but they were so busy they were unable to accommodate his request. He apparently wanted the room we had when Joy was born because it was a rather large room. I personally did not want that room. Lots of feeling wrapped up in not wanting to be in that room and not sure I can express them, so I won't even try here.

I kept fighting the idea that it was a scheduled induction maybe because it was just scheduled the day before or that throughout my pregnancy my doctor kept saying that we cannot induce since I was going to be attempting a VBAC. Nevertheless, labor did not start on it's own and by the morning of Wednesday, November 4th I was two days overdue and very miserable and uncomfortable. I just simply wanted to get the show on the road, so to speak.

You have to know it was a pretty uneventful labor when the most painful and traumatic thing was when I first got there the nurse that was to go off shift in a hour was the one to try and start my IV. I have to say I never had anyone try and start my IV in a vein right near my wrist bone. OUCH! Did I say my threshold for pain is low? Okay, that poke did not work so she went on the the other wrist same spot. OUCH, again! No luck there either. She said two sticks were her limit and she called someone else in to start my IV. Success with a vein on the front of my left hand. Praise the Lord! Nothing really happened after that for some time. They wanted to start pitocin, but I questioned if we could just wait for the doc to break my water and see if I need it. So nothing was done until 7:45am when my doc arrived and broke my water and suggested the pitocin start since we were here to have a baby. I agree, but typically when my water has broke in the past my labor progressed pretty rapidly and I did not think I would need the pitocin, but I caved to my doc's advice. Contractions started not 10 minutes after that, progressing to a point over the next 30 minutes that became unbearable for me. Let's just say the anesthesiologist could not arrive quick enough to administer my epidural.

Now, normally I think of getting the epidural as the worst part of labor. Not this time. My contractions were so painful and so close together I kept asking him if he was finished. I'd let him know when I had a brief window of no contractions in hopes that he would hurry up and get the catheter in already. It seemed like it took forever. Remember, I have a low threshold for pain. Finally I got some relief. Typically in the past, my epidurals have been so remarkable in blocking pain and just about every other sensation from the waist down. This time I could wiggle my toes and feel when I was having a contraction, although there was no pain. I even felt pressure and the urge to push. Never had that feeling before while in labor. By 9:30 I was 8cm dilated and by 10:00 am I wanted to push. They kept making me wait saying that they wanted me to hold off as long as I could so that I could "labor down." Never heard that expression before. Plus, we had to wait for my doc to arrive. One whole hour later it was finally show time. I have to say that it was nice to know when to push and actually able to somewhat feel how effective my pushes were. In my labors with Elijah and Phoebe they had to tell me when to push because I could never feel a thing. A couple big pushes and a couple real tiny ones later Rhys was born. He was (and of course is still) beautiful!!

Leading up to Rhys' birth I kept thinking his birth would be so emotional for me I thought for sure I would cry this time. Out of all the births of my kids I only ever cried when Joy was born. I thought for sure I would this time out of pure happiness, but I really was just so happy and in awe that crying was not on my radar. It was pure JOY!

Needless to say, the VBAC was a success. The scar from my c-section from when Joy was born will remain in tact and forever mark where she lived inside me for 30 weeks and 1 day. A permanent, tangible reminder ...call it a tatoo of sorts if you will. This is part of the reason I did not want to have to a repeat section, not to mention awful pain and recovery time.

Rhys is such an easy going baby. He rarely cries except for when he is hungry and the occasional times when he is gassy. He had his one month appointment yesterday and has gained weight like a champ. He weighed in a 9lbs 12 oz yesterday, up from 7lbs 4oz at birth.

Proud big brother & sister!

He's Here!

2009-11-08T10:22:00.006-05:00

Introducing.....Rhys Alexander!!!

Born on Wednesday, November 4th @ 11:11am. He weighed in at 7lbs 4oz and was 20 inches long.
Rhys (pronounced Reece, in case you were wondering) is truly a gift from God and a healing balm to my heart. We are doing well...just adjusting to life with a newborn again. Elijah and Phoebe have been sick so it's been a tad bit crazy around here trying to keep the germs at bay.
More info to come later, but in the mean time enjoy a couple pictures.

Anytime now

2009-10-29T20:21:00.000-04:00

Just wanted to check in and let y'all know I'm still pregnant. 39+ weeks now and SOOO ready to give birth. I went to to the OB today and I am 3cm dilated. I don't put much stock in that to tell me when I might go into labor, but at least it's progress. Can't wait to meet this little guy and be able to move around without all the aches and pains. No joke... I've been pregnant for 16 out of the last 21 months!! Of course not all of it has been uncomfortable like this last month has been, but I'm ready to be done and just love on this little baby.

I think I'm nesting, but for some reason it doesn't feel like anything is getting accomplished besides a big mess in the process. Probably because I get too tired and winded to finish. I seriously don't remember being so uncomfortable during any of my previous pregnancies, but then again I'm not getting any younger. You know, I am advanced maternal age! Gosh, that makes me feel old.

Anyway, I'll keep y'all posted.

Recognized

2009-09-24T23:19:00.002-04:00

I had a very interesting experience earlier this week that I wanted to share. Now I know my blog is not very popular compared to many out there. I did get more hits back when I was more of a consistent blogger, but quite frankly...I'm not. I mean I probably have about 20-30 people that regularly visit my blog, or at least that is my best guess by my Feedjit application. I don't know who most of you are, but I see that you keep coming back. Probably faithfully checking to see if I've posted anything. Unfortunately, I've probably disappointed you more often than not with no new posts. Anyway, I say all that to say thank-you for being interested in my story, in Joy's story, in the story that God is writing through our lives.

You are probably wondering why I am even talking about this, which brings me back to that something interesting that happened. So I was at a local store looking for some fall/winter clothes for Phoebe and was waiting in line at the checkout. It was then my turn and as I approached the counter the lady asked me how much longer I had (obviously she saw my pregnant belly), I told her 6 weeks, she asked me if I knew what I was having and I told her "a boy." I was paying her the money for the clothes and she asked me if my last name was J_ _ _ _ ? I said yes, and she proceeded to tell me that she had been following my blog. I asked her how she heard of it and she said she saw the obituary in the paper. She apparently felt a connection to read based on something that happened within her family and had mentioned how she admired me for the decision I made and wished me well. Some of it was a bit of a blur just because I was so not expecting that. I was going over in my mind how she connected me to my blog, I mean I paid her in cash...no debit card, my name wasn't on anything. I just figure it must have been from pictures on my blog and perhaps the pregnant belly that she made the connection?

The thing that I took away from that encounter and what really touched me was that there are people out there that know who my daughter, Joy, is and know her story and have been impacted. I already know this to be true and I know a lot of you personally who read and have been impacted. But when this lady whom I had never met before said all this to me I saw things in a new perspective. I mean I know there are those of you out there that read and we don't know each other and some of you have commented or sent me emails. I appreciate those so much by the way. Having that real life connection where someone I don't know had been impacted by Joy's story brought it back home to me at a whole different level. It was kind of like God was reminding me that Joy's life mattered and still matters today. Truthfully, after finding out her diagnosis and learning that she would likely never live outside my womb,that was all I really wanted. For people to know her name, to be touched by her short life and ultimately be lead to the cross.

That brief encounter this week was a gift I was not anticipating and I wanted to say thank you to that lady, I'm sorry I forgot to ask your name, but you speaking up and saying something really meant a lot to me.

Pictures of Joy's Birthday Celebration

2009-09-15T20:31:00.016-04:00

Lewis and I purchased these garden stakes that we let the kids put in Joy's garden at home.

We went to the grave site where Lewis and Elijah plant some perennials.

The finished product above. You can't see it, but we also planted a black-eyed susan bush behind the grave stone which no doubt will be able to be seen over the stone next spring/summer.

And for no other reason than to prove I was there, here is seriously poor photo of the kids and I.

Lewis and the kids.

There go the balloons! We wrote notes for Joy on them. There were 6 balloons, but someone let go of one earlier. We won't say who. ;)

That's a little convertible Beamer in the front of the garden that Elijah left for Joy.

Before we head home for birthday cake we all went out for dinner.

Okay, I admit I'm no birthday cake rock star like my mother. She can seriously decorate a cake. Honestly, I don't really try because normally she does this sort of thing, but she is on a European vacation currently so it was all me. Although I did have a little help from Betty...Croker, that is. It may not look spectacular, but it was yummy. What if I told you just as the kids blew out the candle Phoebe sneezed all over it. Yep, no joke!

Elijah told me as he was going to bed that he was sad baby Joy's birthday was over. I have to admit...I am, too.

Happy 1st Birthday Joy

2009-09-15T14:29:00.001-04:00

How do I begin to put into words the flood of emotions I am having today and the days leading up to this day? I'm not sure I can do it. My heart aches....it has this whole year, but this day brings me right back to Sept. 15, 2008. You can read about that day here.

I think I've moved beyond the disbelief that I had for at least the first six months after Joy's birth/ death, although I'm feeling that today. Maybe it's just the disbelief that it's already been a year? What a crazy year.

Something that has truly helped me through this last year has been many of you. My family, dear friends, some of which I've never met face to face, some of which I haven't seen in years and those of you who have connected with me through a similar experience. Your love, support, prayers, and extension of God's love to me have helped ease some of the pain and grief. Despite all the pain, my life really does feel so much richer because of Joy, which is really difficult for me to put into words. It's just a depth that I feel in my bones. I still don't have all the answers to my "whys" and may never know this side of heaven, but I take comfort in the One who knows all, who gives me enough grace to face each new day, who provides me with the peace and comfort I need and loves me despite all my worldly imperfections...because trust me, there are many.

I'm hoping to post some pictures either later today or some time this week of some of the things we did today as a family to celebrate Joy's life and her 1st birthday. But in the mean time, let me leave you with this scripture from Isaiah that brings me comfort when I am going through things I just don't understand and I start to question God.

Isaiah 55:8-12 For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater. So is my word that goes out from my mouth; It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it. You will go out in joy and be lead forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and the trees of the field will clap their hands.

Joy's Garden

2009-09-10T11:57:00.001-04:00

I firgured it was way overdue to post some updated pictures of the garden we planted in memory of our sweet girl last September. The last pics I posted were when we first put it in. You can see those here. Big difference eh?

30 weeks and one day

2009-08-26T23:33:00.002-04:00

This was the exact time in my pregnancy with Joy where my water unexpectedly broke and I had to face the truth of what was about to unfold as I gave birth to my daughter who was never to breathe a breath of air on this earth. Today is 30 weeks and one day for this little babe all snug in my womb. (Actually, it was yesterday)

I'm not quite sure how to express the feelings that I have. Still nearly one year later the hurt is still so real. From the outside I probably look like I have healed and moved on with my life and in some respects I have, but not far below the surface is a heart that continues to hurt. This pain is always with me. Truthfully, I think most of the time I try to numb myself to it. There always seems to be an abundance of things to distract me from dealing with my thoughts and emotions. I often wonder if I will always feel so broken. That feeling is not ever present, but when I take time to reflect and meditate on it that is how I feel...broken.

Honestly, the day was not as bad as I was anticipating, but I had plenty of school work to distract myself. However, the reality is setting in that we are quickly approaching the one year anniversary. Today, with slightly cooler temperatures outside it reminded me of the season in which I was grieving after giving birth to Joy. I suppose I will always feel that way as summer seems to turn to fall. I'm starting to think about how my family and I are going to mark Sept.15. I'd much rather be planning a birthday party for a one year old baby girl. Instead I'm sure part of the day will be spent visiting Joy's grave.

***Life Update***

There are so many things going on in my life right now...I guess it's a good thing I'm not working because honestly, I think that would put me over the edge. I started back to school for the fall semester on Monday. I'm taking 3 classes and at this point I'm wondering if I have bitten off more than I can chew seeing as I will be giving birth half way through the semester. Elijah starts Kindergarten on Sept. 8 and Phoebe starts preschool the day after that. I suppose with Elijah in all day Kindergarten and Phoebe at preschool 3 mornings a week that will allow me some study time besides at night when they are in bed. That is until this babe arrives. Elijah will be starting up the hockey season again starting in Sept. and I really want to enroll Phoebe in some kind of dance class. My head is spinning thinking about it all. And did I mention one of my classes is Sat. from 9am until 2:30 pm. Yes, that's right...I'm crazy!!! What was I thinking?

Adoption

2009-07-23T15:39:00.001-04:00

I really have not felt very inspired to write much these days. As you can clearly see it's been two months since my last post. In my defense, although you would never know it, I do tend to start blog entries and never seem to finish them. I won't bore you with excuses, but something I saw last week prompted me to start another blog entry. Yes, that was last week. I'm a little slow in getting things out there I guess. What was significant last week was that on the 15th was the 10 month anniversary that Joy was born and went on to heaven. The last few months I've noticed that it is not so much a difficult day, being the 15th, but it seems to last that whole week. What I mean, is that I just am more emotional. I'm pretty sure it's not just the pregnancy hormones.

Last Thursday I was flipping through the channels and came across the show "16 & Pregnant." This particular teenage couple was planning on giving their baby up for adoption. As I was watching I couldn't help but draw several parallels between what we went through with Joy and giving a child up for adoption. Please don't misconstrue what I am trying to say. I know it is not the same thing at all, but I never thought about the similarities before.

First I want to say how selfless an act adoption is. One of the biggest differences in my story is I never would have willingly given Joy up. I did not have a choice in the matter....I fought it every step of the way. Like a couple that is giving a child up for adoption, we were preparing to give our child up as well...to God. We also were not preparing to be able to bring her home. We prayed for it, but never purchased any clothes, nor set anything up at home for the arrival of a baby. We too, had to give birth to our child and say goodbye.

Watching this episode brought up a lot of emotions for me. You want to know the strangest thing about it? They showed her going for an ultrasound and the lady performing it is our ultrasound tech....Lisa! I was like..."Hey, that's my doctor's office, too." She gave birth to her baby at the same hospital I gave birth to both Phoebe and Joy. She actually gave birth to her baby in the room that we were with Joy in after my c-section. We did not have the same doctor, she has a different doctor in the same practice as mine. How crazy is all of that??? Needless to say, I was crying through the whole thing.

Anyway, the only reason I bring it up is just to share the new insight or spin on the situation I now have. I never had thought about it this way before. Of course I thought about what the Bible says about adoption and the verse that immediately came to mind was Romans 8:15 For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, "Abba! Father!"

This verse kinda makes me think about the times in my current pregnancy that I am fearful and I have to stop myself and offer this baby to God. I do this in an acknowledgment that this child, nor any of my others truly belong to me. They are gifts that God has entrusted me with. I do this as a way of gaining the peace that no matter what happens, God is in control. I probably did not explain this very well, but I know those of you who have been where I have been understand.

I'm probably way over due for an update as well. So here goes...
I'm now 25 weeks pregnant and everything is progressing as it should. At my 19 week ultra sound we found out that Elijah, Phoebe, and Joy are going to be having a baby brother. Baby boy looks to be developing perfectly. The quad screen came back completely "normal." All good news.

I have to admit that sometimes all of the "good news" starts to make me sad. Not sad that this baby is healthy...I'm thrilled about that, but sad that this was not the case with Joy. It has had me questioning the "whys" all over again. Things seem so easy during this pregnancy that it makes me mad I was not able to experience this with Joy. Seems like a strange paradox I suppose? So I don't feel like I'm battling fear so much, but sometimes a bit of anger. The only fear that I have is going into early labor. Obviously I did with Joy as she was born at 30 weeks, but there is no reason to think I would with this baby. I certainly did not with Elijah or Phoebe. Maybe I'm thinking like this because I will be closing in on the the 30 week mark in a few short weeks. I'm anticipating that will be a difficult time emotionally for me. I covet your prayers.

Lastly, as of this week I am officially unemployed. Can't say I did not see it coming, but they eliminated my position. I had about 3.5 weeks notice. I'm not terribly excited about this new development, but for the time being I'm just going to enjoy not working, spend more time and attention on my kids, continue studying for school, and prepare for this new little life growing inside of me. After my initial pitty party thinking God did not like me very much,(I know...lame, right?) I just set my sights on the fact that God must have something so much bigger and better in store for me! I can't wait!

Walk with Faith

2009-05-17T19:19:00.001-04:00

Every now and then I find myself googling "limb-body wall complex" and various other related searches to see if I find any new info out there. In my search I came across a post on a message board by a lady named Jennifer, who is pregnant with her third child. That baby was diagnosed with limb-body wall complex back in Feb. My heart immediately broke for her. I was in her shoes this time last year and felt the need to reach out to her and let her know that she is not alone. I think that was back in March and I have been praying for her ever since. I had wondered if she ever saw my response to her. She had.

The other week I got an email from Jennifer. She is just about 32 weeks pregnant with her sweet baby. She has just started a blog "Walk with Faith." Jennifer, her husband Jamie, their two boys, and this precious unborn baby need our prayers.

Please join me in lifting this family up in prayer. Visit her blog.....offer words of encouragement, prayer, and support. As far as I know...God is still in the business of performing miracles, and that is just what I'll be praying for! Will you join me?

8 Months....and Hopeful

2009-05-15T16:10:00.002-04:00

Today is the 8 month anniversary of Joy's birth. 8 months ago she went home to be with the Lord. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her and miss her presence in our lives. I thought today would be a good day to share some good news.....Joy is going to be a big sister! I'm pretty sure she is thrilled about that and wouldn't mind me sharing some happy news on this day.

Probably part of the reason I haven't updated in a while is because I didn't want to feel like I was keeping something from you all. We found out on March 1. I am now 15 weeks along and due around Nov.2.

I have to be honest here...being pregnant again after Joy has a lot of mixed emotions attached to it. I'm not quite sure how to put it into words and sometimes I fear that if I try it will be misunderstood. I will give it a try though.

Before I get into that I do want to share that we had an ultra sound at 12 weeks and, praise the Lord, everything is as it should be. No limb-body wall, no fluid where it should not be. I have certainly had a sense of relief since the ultra sound, but I still know that nothing is guaranteed and I don't take that for granted. However, I have hope. Hope feels good, and strange at the same time. It feels strange to be pregnant and be hopeful that I will be able to bring this baby home. Part of me grieves the fact that I am broken and my whole way of viewing what is supposed to be a joyful time is warped. Obviously I am changed, I mean you can't go through planning to lose your unborn child for months and then it happening and remain the same. I know this.

I don't want to give the impression that being pregnant again is not joyful, but it's tempered with trepidation. I can't explain it all, but it still occasionally bothers me to be around pregnant ladies...really just those that don't know my story. I think I'm jealous of their carefree excitement and anticipation. There is nothing wrong with that and every pregnant woman should feel that way. I won't ever have that again....I'm jealous. It's that simple.

Lewis and I have agreed that this baby will be our last. I really want to be able to enjoy this pregnancy, but I feel myself holding back. I suppose that is normal? Whatever that is! It's not that I am fearful that something terrible will happen, but I'm certainly not naive to all the possibilities. You know...ignorance is bliss! I know they also say...knowledge is power. In this case, my knowledge doesn't feel powerful...it feels binding, constricting, and makes the air heavy to breathe.

Honestly, I really don't meditate on those thoughts much, but every so often they creep in. I know God's hand is over this little life, just as it was with Joy, and only He can bring the peace I need. I really just try to rest in that and give it to God.

So there you have it...part of the reason I have been so quiet lately. Other reasons? Oh, you know ....life. We would still appreciate your prayers on this leg of our journey and for the health and safety of this little baby.

Seven Months

2009-04-15T07:30:00.001-04:00

Seven months...
Sometimes I think I'm the only one who remembers every month on the 15th marks another month since Joy went to be with Jesus. Fewer and fewer people mention her name.
I guess the truth is that for me Sept. 15th doesn't mark the saddest day. There were many before then. Really, May of 2008 was full of bad days. I hate that Elijah's 5th birthday, coming up on May 2, will mark one year since we got our devastating news that something was seriously wrong with our baby. May 5th when it was confirmed by the "specialists" and May 20th when we got the official diagnosis...limb-body wall complex...."incompatible with life." Funny thing is... that little life that was so "incompatible with life" is having the most abundant life right now in heaven.

Joy wasn't designed for life here on earth. For the pain and sorrow that this life brings. She was designed to bypass all this. I love the scripture in Psalm 139 when it says "He knit me together in my mother's womb." When carrying Joy I often thought "why couldn't He have knit her little body together properly so it could work the way it is supposed to." I'm only just now figuring out that He knit her together exactly according to His plan. That thought doesn't take all the grief away and doesn't always make it easier, because in my human selfishness I want her here with me. To all of us it seems like such a travesty, but I'm pretty sure if we could ask Joy if she would rather be living here on earth I bet her answer would be "no way!" It's hard to stay sad for long when I know how happy she has got to be in heaven.

Psalm 139:13-16
13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

Back Home

2009-04-08T10:14:00.003-04:00

Boy, I really am bad at keeping you all updated. I'm way overdue to update on Elijah. He is doing much better. He ended up staying 2 nights in the hospital. They pretty much determined that he had a febrile seizure and his chest x-ray showed the beginning stages of pneumonia. He is just about finished his antibiotics and seems to be back to normal. I seem to have contracted his nasty bug and am hoping to be feeling better by the week's end. It's been rough.

If you ask Elijah he thought it was pretty cool staying in the hospital. He liked to order his meals and watch movies. In fact he said it was like a vacation? Wow, what does that say about our regular life if he thinks that was a vacation???

Prayer Request for Elijah

2009-03-30T13:35:00.002-04:00

Dear Freinds,

I know it's been too long since my last post. I have an update in the works, but that will have to wait for now. Yesterday Elijah was taken to the hospital by way of ambulance. Just before noon on Sun. as he had fallen asleep on the couch he started to have a seizure. He was not feeling well and did seem warm to me that morning. He has never had a seizure before and admittedly it was quite scary at the time. It seemed to last for about a minute to a minute and a half. It seems the best guess is that it was a febrile seizure brought on by a quick spike in temp, although his temp when he got to the hospital was only 101. That's high, but certainly not alarming.

They put him through a battery of tests trying to rule various things out. Poor boy has been through a cat scan, chest x-ray, a lumbar puncture, and the dreaded IV. I say dreaded IV because that seems to be his biggest issue with all this. He just really hates being attached the that thing and constantly asks why he has to have it.

The plan was to let him go home today, but unfotunately he is going to have to spend another night. His temp went back up this morning despite the antibiotics they have been pumping through him. I think right now they are just trying to let some of his cultures grow to determine what virus he has and get his fever down. Please pray for a speedy recovery for Elijah. We very much appreciate your prayers.

Blessings!

My Husband

2009-02-14T13:15:00.000-05:00

This is a post I originally wrote on 12/8/08, but it seems to have remained only as a draft. I thought with today being Valentine's Day it would be an appropriate time to share it.

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It's a strange thing ...grieving a child. I know that no two people grieve the same way, which brings me to my husband...Lewis. I picked him up from the airport the other day and the next day we went to church. During the worship service he looked over at me with tears in his eyes and said "I really miss her." Of course I knew exactly who he was talking about. I grabbed his hand and said "me too." He drove us to Joy's grave site after church and again became emotional.

Of course I know Lewis loves and misses Joy, but I don't always see that side of him. I think sometimes I'm too consumed by my own grief to think about his or I assume he is at a different place of acceptance in dealing with his grief. I guess we are both trying to find our own way through it. Sometimes it's difficult and other times we get by, whatever that means.

Lewis asked me today if I have ever had someone ask me how many kids I have since Joy was born. I knew exactly what he was asking me before he even got all the words out. It has been something I've been thinking about lately. The truth is I have not had anyone ask me this yet. I guess I don't get out enough or come in contact with new people who don't already know about what has happened. Of course the answer is ...I have 3 kids. While Lewis was on travel last week for work he said he was asked this many times. I asked him what he said. He said "I told them I have 3 kids." I asked him if he explained any further and he said not always and that sometimes there were questions that required further explanation like...how old are your kids?

It's funny the simple things that can bring a person joy. My husband, for as much as we butt heads sometimes, he brings me joy. He has so many facets to him. If the truth be known, I must confess he is really more sensitive than I and he sometimes surprises me. He is often very loud and boisterous, but then there are those times he gets so sentimental and wells up with tears when talking about the love he has for our kids and I. He'll really hate me saying this but I've even caught him crying during one of the proposals on "The Bachelor" reality show. I never let him forget it either. I also like to embarrass him with this small detail. I think it's kinda sweet.

I love that he doesn't over think things the way I do. He is just himself. Many times I'm too concerned with what others think, probably because I'm my biggest critic and think other people must be thinking the same things as me. Not the case.

Happy Valentine's Day Lewis! I love you! Happy Valentine's Day everyone!

Beauty for Ashes

2009-02-02T19:30:00.002-05:00

I have to apologize for being a bad blogger these days. I guess I'm at a point where I'm not really sure what to write about that hasn't been said and I'm not sure of the direction I want to take with the blog. I am still grieving over the loss of my youngest daughter and it hurts terribly, but I don't really want to write over and over again how sad and distraught I am. I know you all get that. I mean after all the name of my blog is "Choose Joy." That's really what I want to inspire.

I am hit daily by the grief and it can show up in the strangest places and at the strangest, most unexpected times. I daily make the choice to either choose joy or not to choose joy. Can I be honest with you? I don't always make the right choice, but joy wins most days.

There is a scripture that has been impressed upon my heart lately and to be honest here I did not even know the whole scripture all I knew was this part, "His beauty for my ashes." I really did not even know what the scripture was about but it really just seemed to keep coming to mind lately. One of the pastors quoted it in church yesterday during a baptismal service. I thought ah ha....now I know where to find it...Isaiah. Really, after I heard the part "beauty for my ashes" the rest was a blur because I was so exited to hear it that I missed the rest and did not even catch where in Isaiah it was. What a dork!

Sure I could have looked this up sooner, but to be honest every time I thought about it I was no where near my computer. You know I am the google queen, but like I've said before...my short-term memory leaves much to be desired these days so as soon as I would think about it and realize I was unequipped to get the rest of the scripture I would forget about it. Until today that is...I knew that my grandmother O'Brien's sister wrote a book in the early 90's called "His Beauty for my Ashes" and I knew we had it on our book shelf. I haven't read the book, maybe I will now, it actually belongs to my mother as I saw the note Mabel had wrote to her in it. Anyway, to make a short story even longer...I found the scripture verse from that book. Pretty resourceful eh? And to think I did all that whilst writing this blog entry. So I literally just found the verse.

To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified.—Isaiah 61:3.

I liked that version of it, because it uses the word "joy." However, my bible puts it this way...Provide for those who grieve in Zion, to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and the garment of praise instead of despair. They will be called oaks of riteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.

Okay, it's all coming back to me now. You know, one of those scriptures I had long tucked away in my brain. In fact, I remember singing a song in church years ago with words from this scripture. Thank you for being patient in this blog post of discovery. LOL I know it seems kind of random and disjointed, but that scripture is really speaking to me. I needed that and I'm going to take some time to digest it. God was nudging me with it and I was being lazy.

Just to make this post even more random....I'll add a "Happy Ground Hog Day." Does anyone know if he saw his shadow?

Princess Phoebe turns 2

2009-01-30T17:40:00.000-05:00

Okay, I am a little late with this...Phoebe's birthday was Sat. Jan. 24. After my last, somewhat disgusting, post I thought I should redeem myself by putting up a much more flattering picture of the princess, also known in these parts as Phoebs. You'll be happy to hear that no cake found it's way up her nose.

Gross Me Out

2009-01-22T11:00:00.001-05:00

Look who was shoving macaroni & cheese up her nose at lunch the other day. I could not resist to take a picture.
What really makes this gross is that Phoebe has been really snotty the last couple days. As she pulled the noodle out out her nose a trail of snot followed behind it.
Can you guess what she did next?
Yep, she ate it! She thought she was pretty darn funny too.

Four Months

2009-01-15T20:12:00.001-05:00

11:58am marked four months since Joy's quick arrival and departure from this world. I still can't believe it really happened. I know I say that a lot, but I really think that often. Maybe because I can't believe I'm still standing after everything that has happened...some days more firm than others. What a testament to God's grace. I don't deserve it, but he gives it anyway...and I'm so grateful he does.

It's amazing how much I have been changed by this baby girl that I never got to know outside my womb. She has impacted my life in ways I cannot fully express nor fully understand yet. I'm still a HUGE, I mean HUGE...did I say HUGE?.... work in progress, but for some reason I have a little more clarity. Clarity of who I am, whats important, how I see myself, my family, my God, and how my God sees me. I'm so glad he isn't finished with me yet.

Something I read on another blog that rings so true is this ...God allowed something in his wisdom that he could have prevented in his power. I just have to trust his wisdom, because man o man I wish he would have prevented my little girl from having so many physical abnormalities that they would not allow her little 2 pound body to function apart from mine. He did not prevent it, he allowed it. He did not allow it to teach me a lesson, he did not allow it because of something I did or did not do. It just wasn't all about me. It's about him! He has purpose for all of it far beyond what my eyes can see, far beyond my pain and tears.

I'm clinging to the word God gave me during some of my darkest, most unjoyful (is that a word?), hours this summer from John 15:11 I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and your joy may be complete. I know my sweet Joy is complete and made whole in heaven worshipping the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords. What a vision that is...literally takes my breath away. But like I said, even though I know it's not all about me, I know he is not finished with me yet. I know he is gradually restoring my joy, but better than that...I know he will be faithful to make my joy complete!

Back to School...Again

2009-01-13T07:30:00.002-05:00

Well, I survived my first day of classes yesterday. Saying I survived is probably a tad bit on the dramatic side being as I will only be in class two days a week with a total of only 6 hours in class. So not a demanding schedule to say the least, but it's still a crazy feeling to be back in school since the last time I was in class was 1997. I'm taking anatomy and physiology as well as a math course. Ugh....I know! I have quite a limited background in these areas so it should be interesting.

I was so concerned that I was going to be the oldest person there....okay, totally not the case! Of course there were students much younger than me and probably a couple that were at least 15-20 years my senior. I suppose you could say I fit somewhere in the middle. Here's an example that makes me chuckle...while waiting for Lewis to pick me up from class I spotted a student with a Hello Kitty backpack??? Ummm I think they would have been made fun of in high school with something like that never mind college. (hope I did not offend anyone that likes Hello Kitty) An older gentlemen who I would say was probably about 60 years old told me that he was checking out where all his classes were before he started them this week so he doesn't get lost.....I guess he is taking a pre-algebra course starting tomorrow. Kudos to him....seriously!

It will be interesting embarking on this new adventure to say the least. I'd be lying if I told you I wasn't nervous. Anxious is probably the better word to use here. I'm sure in no time I'll be adjusted and bee bopping right along. Could you say a little prayer for me when it comes to school. Not just regarding the actual academics (although I do NEED to get really high grades to get into the LPN program), but also the juggling of everything else...you know kids, husband, work, and the numerous things that go along with those. I'm notorious for either having lots on my plate or nothing at all. I guess it's obvious what this is?

But We're Not Toys...

2009-01-09T22:20:00.002-05:00

My heart is so heavy tonight...getting tossed around by these waves. Every once in a while I feel snapped back to my reality. Nothing in particular usually sets it off, but I guess tonight it was seeing Elijah and Phoebe get up on the chair in the living room to kiss a framed photo of Joy. It really is cute to see and I love that they love her so much even in her absence. Shortly after of course I start thinking....did this really all happen? Yes, I know it did, but it seems I go through life with so many distractions that it's hard to find time to just sit and be and feel the moment.

This is something I've been thinking a lot about lately....living in the moment and really feeling all that moment has to offer. I think my recent post "learning to dance in the rain" somewhat alluded to this idea. If you are anything like me ...you spend a lot of time looking back at the past and probably even more time thinking and dreaming about the future. What about today? Well, not to disappoint you, but I don't have anything really insightful on the topic tonight just to say that it's been on my mind a lot lately. I'm purposely trying to live in the moment and be thankful for what each day brings. It's a pretty simple concept, but much harder in reality...at least for me. Certainly I cannot be the only one?

So on that note of enjoying the moment...I was spending some time with Elijah in his bed tonight talking... he wanted me to lay down in his bed and cuddle with him. As I was laying there with him stroking his hair, the conversation went something like this...

Me: You are such a precious gift.

Elijah: What? (with a confused facial expression)

Me: You are such a precious gift from God.

Elijah: I am?

Me: Yes. You, Phoebe, and Joy are precious gifts to Mama & Papa from God.

Elijah: We are gifts?

Me: Yes.

Elijah: Mama, but we're not toys. *giggle*

Me: No. Much better than toys. Jesus makes and gives the best gifts.

Elijah: Jesus made me.

Me: Absolutely!

Two of my most precious gifts here on earth!

I Won Something!

2009-01-08T20:50:00.001-05:00

Just wanted to share the way cool painting I won from Gitzen Girl's blog around Christmas. I got it in the mail yesterday. I stumbled across her site as I was blog hopping and saw a blog button that said "Choose Joy." Needless to say I was automatically drawn to her blog. If you check it out you'll see why.

Okay, back to the painting...Gitz was having a contest that week to win a canvas of the day and when I saw the painting this one particular day was "Choose Joy" I had to enter. Low and behold.....I won! How ironic is that? Thought I would share it with y'all. Thanks Sara!

Learning to Dance in the Rain

2008-12-31T19:00:00.002-05:00

I've always thought New Year's Eve was so overrated. I adopted this mantra after having some botched New Year's Eve plans when I was of the age where it seemed to be a big deal. Let me share a funny example...it must have been 1994 or 1995. I was in University and was either 20 or 21. All of my friends were back home in Niagara Falls, Ontario (that's where I grew up) for the Christmas break as most of us all went to different schools. We had plans to go down to the annual "First Night" held right down by the falls. A group called "Blue Rodeo" was going to be playing a free concert...I was somewhat of a fan so I was looking forward to it. Those of you who are Canadian will know who I'm talking about. Anyway, long story short....two of my friends were going to be driving and there was some miscommunication. One thought the other was going to pick me up and vice versa. Bottom line....I spent New Year's home alone while my mother slept. Yeehaw! I think it is totally hilarious now, but at the time I wasn't laughing.

Anyway, I don't care so much as I get older what my plans are, but rather reflect more on what a New Year signifies. Most years I am usually excited about what the New Year will bring and this year is no different. Most of 2008 has been a rather difficult year for me and my family....with learning on March 20th that we were expecting our third child and finding out May 2 that our baby had some serious anomalies, getting the diagnosis of limb-body wall complex on May 20, the rest of the pregnancy that was very emotional, and then giving birth to Joy, who was stillborn, on Sept. 15. Despite all that...I am sad to see the year go. It means we are moving farther away in time of where my memories are so fresh of Joy. I don't want to forget even the smallest of details. Good thing I have a pretty good long-term memory...most of the time anyway. It's my short term memory that is a different story.....I blame my forgetfulness on something I like to call "momnesia." Some of you know exactly what I'm talking about. Regardless, 2008 was Joy's year...so much time, thought, prayer and tears were committed to her. Obviously just because we are about to enter 2009 doesn't mean I'm done thinking about her or that I won't shed any more tears....these are still daily occurrences for me.

Even with all the sadness and disappointments over 2008 all of those have been intermixed with joy along the way. Why is it that joy and pain, two concepts that seem so diametrically opposed to one another seem to often travel hand in hand with each other?? Maybe it is God's way of making the pain bearable by pairing it with the joy? During each one of these trials that we have endured this year we can always look back and see God's hand at work sustaining us. Obviously things on many occasions never turned out the way we had hoped or prayed for, but yet our faith remains and dare I even say stronger? God allowed us enough grace for each new day.

Here is a quote I think pretty much sums up my year as I look to 2009.

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain."

I'm still learning to dance and appreciate all the joys, all the pains, all the things God gives and takes away, and yes, all the storms. I feel I've spent so much of my life waiting for certain storms to pass making sure I don't get splashed by the rain, ensuring I'm protected by a raincoat or an umbrella (you know....trying to control things that are beyond my control). If you've ever been caught in a real monsoon of a storm you know it's pretty futile. No matter how much you try to stay dry in the rain part of you is gonna get wet....why not learn to dance in it? Knowing and trusting that God is in control certainly gives me the freedom to at least try even if right now all I can do is the two-step.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

God is SO Good

2008-12-23T21:50:00.001-05:00

Over the past two weeks I had mentally adjusted my thinking to being out of work come Jan. 9, 2009. As it turns out I have been given an opportunity to stay with my current employer. The one lady in our small department of 3 who was going to be able to keep her position has unexpectedly turned in her resignation. You can imagine my surprise when I got a call from my boss asking if I was interested in staying on. The answer of course was...yes! I let her know about my plans to return to school in Jan. and when my classes would be and she is going to be planning my hours around my classes. How awesome is that? I can't tell you what an answer to prayer this is. God is SO good!

Lewis was trying to figure out why things happened the way they played out here over the past two weeks and why God did this or that. I was like "Lewis, if I've learned anything about God it is that I don't always know or understand his reasons for things." I've really learned not to try and give myself a headache in trying to figure out the why because it is all just speculation anyway. I just have to trust him.

Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will direct your paths.

During this Christmas season it is so easy to look around and see who is missing. You can imagine I see Joy's name everywhere I go during this time of year and I love it!! I really do. Some may think it would be a sorrowful reminder of what I'm lacking. On the contrary...I don't want to focus on what I'm lacking, but on how much richer Joy has made our lives. Sure I would rather have her here with us, and I miss her so much it hurts, but I don't want to be so consumed by the grief that I miss the blessing God has for me.

Be blessed this holiday season!

Three Months

2008-12-15T18:00:00.000-05:00

I just got the most thoughtful email and pictures sent to me from my new friend, Rachel, she too knows the grief and heartbreak associated with having a daughter born still. Her sweet baby girl, Felicity Faith, went to be with Jesus on Oct.6, 2008....3 weeks to the day after Joy. You can find her blog, Home on the Range, on my blog roll.

The pictures were taken at Redondo Beach, CA by her friend Emily. Thank you so much Rachel & Emily!! You have brought great joy to this day that marks three months since Joy was born into the arms of Jesus. I miss her more than I can possibly put into words! The pictures literally took my breath away because they were so unexpected.

The Name of my Blog is Really Holding me Accountable

2008-12-14T22:00:00.001-05:00

Having my blog named "Choose Joy" has been hard to live up to this week. I was told on a phone call by my boss Tues. night that my job is being eliminated as of Jan.9, 2009. It is really just the last blow in a series of work related issues that have come since I started back to work after Joy's death. I haven't written about all of it. I let you guys know about the first cut in hours I got, but then a couple weeks later my hours were cut by another 4 per week, then I was told they were cashing out my leave because I was no longer full-time....and now this. I can't say that I am totally surprised as the company I work for has been struggling like a lot of other companies in this difficult economy. Regardless, it's still a bit of a tough pill to swallow. I have been with this company for 10 years as of Jan. 7, 2009. Ironically two days before my last day of work.

I'm sooooo glad I do not find my identity of who I am in my work. It is so much more fulfilling to find my identity and value in Jesus and who He says I am. It is also much more fulfilling to me to find more value in being a mother to my kids and wife to my husband. Those are the things that bring me the most happiness. Unfortunately in the world of work, as much as you think you might be valued or valuable, you are always expendable and replaceable. I'm so glad the creator of the universe doesn't view me this way.

With all that said...one still has to make a living. I feel like my bachelor's degree is no longer serving me well in this day and age with the economy the way it is. Not to mention there are few jobs in my area. Soooooo, I am going to be taking classes starting next month to try and get into the nursing program at the local community college. The truth is I was registered to take classes this past summer, but with everything that was happening with Joy I did not feel I could really focus on school. It's been a few years since I have been a student...ummmmm over 11 years!! It is a little scary to me, but I'm looking forward to the change.

One door closes, another one opens. ...right? My job being eliminated is kind of a blessing I suppose. I was at a point where I was no longer enjoying it. You know, surprisingly I don't have much anxiety about the loss of income as I know God is faithful to provide. There's that crazy thing called "peace" again. It keeps showing up when I need it the most.

The real unfortunate part in all of this is that the timing could not possibly be worse. Losing Joy has really made me feel less capable of handling other stresses that come along. I know it won't always be like that, but since this has happened so close together it's hard for me at times.

So on the topic of joy, not my baby Joy, but joy. My pastor said a very profound thing last Sunday about joy. It was simple, but profound and so I had to write it down. "I have joy because I see the situation from God's perspective, not my own." That is so true! When I get caught up in feeling sorry for myself because my child died, or because I'm about to lose my job it is hard to find the joy. When I try and see it all from God's perspective,even though I don't know what his plan is, I can have joy knowing that he is in control and he's got my back. At this point I'm almost excited to see what he has in store for me. I'm anticipating good things. Honestly, it took me a few days to get to this point. I can't lie to you.

Please pray for me to stay strong in this peace, joy, and hope that I have. It doesn't always come easy. I have to pray and fight for it daily.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.

I'm still here

2008-12-03T23:23:00.001-05:00

I thought I should stop by and post an update since it's been a while. This is the longest I've gone without a post since Joy was born. No good reason really...I guess I'm not always prepared to put my thoughts into words. Okay, that doesn't really make sense. Yes, I think in words, but maybe a better way of putting that is I'm not always sure how to express my thoughts.

I'm having a difficult night and maybe I thought trying to write something might help. Lewis has been out of town since Sunday on business and he is gone for another 3 days. I'm not sure if that is contributing to how I'm feeling. It is the first time he has had to travel since Joy was born.

Regardless, I can't seem to stop the tears tonight. My whole body just aches with grief and my heart is so heavy. I miss my baby so much. It's just not fair! I just want to scream "Why God, I don't understand?!" I trust you, but I don't get it.

I'm not sure that it completely makes sense to me, but I seem to be more emotional since Joy's due date of Nov. 23rd. It could be because it just happens to coincide with the start of holiday season? I think I've been a little bit in denial. I didn't think the holidays would be any more difficult than any other day without Joy. Perhaps I was wrong? Perhaps I just over analyze everything and should stop trying to figure things out. How's that go...Let go and let God!

It's late and I'm tired. I think I'll end on that note....let go and let God!

Joy's Due Date

2008-11-23T21:20:00.000-05:00

Today was suppose to be a happy day.
I was supposed to give birth to a beautiful, HEALTHY baby girl.
Our family of five was supposed to be complete.
This day came much sooner than today.
Nine weeks and six days sooner to be exact.
I should have been able to watch my husband give her a bath,
to watch our children's eyes light up at the sight of their new baby sister.
I should have been able to nurse her, change her diaper, and wipe spit-up off my shirt.
I had four months to get ready to not be able to do any of those things.
Four months to get used to the idea that instead of bringing our baby home
we would be burying her.
Four months to pray for a miracle.
Four months to cherish her while she was still alive.
Four months to not take any of it for granted.
Those four months were a gift.
A gift of life.
A gift of hope.
A gift of bonding.
30 weeks and 1 day you lived in my belly,
but you were born in the heart of Jesus since the beginning of time.
He knew your name even then.
He knew your purpose, He knew the plan.
He picked me to be your Mommy?
All the tears, all the heartache, all the pain, and all the emptiness was worth it.
It was worth it just to have you in my life.
I would do it all again with the same outcome,
just to be able to hold you.
Just to be with you, I would do it all again.

Today was Joy's due date. It is hard to think what might have been, what could have been, what should have been. The only thing is that God doesn't make mistakes. Although this should have been her due date it was never meant to be. Her birthday was always meant to be just as it was...Sept.15, 2008. It is still hard for me to accept this at times. But I do accept that God is a sovereign God and his ways are not my ways.

With thanksgiving approaching our Pastor was preaching today on being thankful. I have to admit that I was really challenged this morning to be thankful in my circumstance. I mean am I supposed to be thankful that my child died? Of course not! Something Pastor Mark said that resonated with me was..."If you can't be thankful in your circumstance, be thankful for who He is." I guess that is where I am.

Being an imperfect, selfish human it seems to be so natural to dwell on all the negatives. Instead of being at the hospital celebrating the birth of my newborn baby where people are supposed to come and visit us. I am visiting my child's grave site thinking about what I am missing out on. For me, a natural born complainer, I really have to fight against those thoughts. I have to be thankful on purpose. Though I wished Joy's life had a different outcome I can still be thankful for many things. After church I visited her grave site and I took that opportunity to thank the Lord for several things. I thanked him for Joy, I thanked him for choosing me to be her Mommy, I thanked him for carrying us and continuing to carry us through this storm, and I thanked him for the work he is doing in our lives and others through Joy and her story.

So many conflicting thoughts. The best way I can sum it up is in the lyrics to the first song you hear when you arrive on my site by Sanctus Real. "Whatever you're doing inside of me, it feels like chaos, but somehow there's peace." That is the truth....no matter my crazy conflicting thoughts, no matter the pain, sorrow, and tears....there is peace! The kind of peace that can't be explained, it can only be experienced through Jesus Christ. The kind of peace where you have joy in spite of the sorrow, because it's the kind of joy that is deep down. It is God given and therefore cannot be taken away by circumstances.

Phantom Baby

2008-11-18T15:00:00.001-05:00

Something I've experienced a few times since giving birth to Joy are kick-like sensations in my belly. I thought I was losing my mind to be honest with you. I just had one again the other day and it really got me thinking. I started drawing parallels between those sensations and phantom limbs. For those of you who don't know what a phantom limb is let me break it down for you Wikipedia style;

A phantom limb is the sensation that an amputated or missing limb (even an organ, like the appendix) is still attached to the body and is moving appropriately with other body parts.[1][2][3] Approximately 50 to 80% of individuals with an amputation experience phantom sensations in their amputated limb, and the majority of the sensations are painful.[4] Phantom sensations may also occur after the removal of body parts other than the limbs, e.g. after amputation of the breast, extraction of a tooth (phantom tooth pain) or removal of an eye (phantom eye syndrome). The missing limb often feels shorter and may feel as if it is in a distorted and painful position. Occasionally, the pain can be made worse by stress, anxiety and weather changes. Phantom limb pain is usually intermittent. The frequency and intensity of attacks usually decline with time.[5]

Like I said, I haven't had these feelings often but for a split second afterwards I would think Joy was still inside me or that I was still pregnant. I said for a split second and then of course I know I'm not and that she is not still inside me. I find the similarity with phantom limbs intriguing. I know I'm not missing a limb, but I'm missing something/ someone to me that is so much more valuable than a limb....Joy. If you've read my blog you will know that the doctors told me all along that Joy was missing a right leg and in fact she was not. She was born with both legs and feet!

One of the main differences of course is that phantom limb sensations also involve physical pain. I am not in any physical pain, but there is no denying the emotional pain I am dealing with. I'm always drawing strange parallels between things. I say strange because I often think most people don't think the way I do or maybe they do and they are just too afraid to voice their thoughts for fear of being laughed at? Well you can laugh if you want. I thought myself very clever to come up with the term "Phantom Baby," but low and behold I am not the first. As I do with so many things......I "googled it." Apparently there are other people out there who have had these strange sensations. I couldn't find any of these women that were similar to me in the sense that they lost their child, but I really did not look that hard.

Aside from the sensation of being kicked from the inside. Limb or no limb. I will always be missing Joy and wishing she were here with me. She was not just a part of me for the 30 weeks I carried her, but she will be for the rest of my life. I will always have that pain of her death, but just like with phantom limbs "the frequency and intensity of attacks usually decline over time." Of course when you lose someone or experience something difficult people tell you something similar..."time heals all wounds."

Personally, I've never found any of these cliches to be helpful or comforting. My absolute least favorite one is...."God never gives you more than you can handle." Hogwash! Of course He does! This has all been more than I can handle on my own. It's God that has been carrying me through every step of the way. This has made me lean on Him like never before.

Joy's due date is quickly approaching.....this Sunday, Nov. 23. Please keep me in your prayers as this date draws near. At one point Nov. 23 was supposed to be a day of great happiness, but instead I'm anticipating it to be a difficult day, or at least an emotional one.

Surfing the waves of grief

2008-11-10T23:00:00.000-05:00

Don't be fooled by the title. To say I'm surfing the waves of grief may allude to the idea that I'm gliding with ease across these waves. However, I have never surfed before. In fact, I have never even considered surfing, not even for a second. The only thing I've done that remotely comes anywhere close to surfing was "trying" to ride a boogie board in Barbados. HA! Not quite the same thing! Needless to say that if I were to literally attempt to surf I would no doubt fall off. Come to think of it I don't know that I would be able to even stand on the thing. It looks pretty difficult.

Anyway, I suppose much of the same can be said for these waves of grief that come my way. Just like I have never literally surfed, I have never had to deal with grief from the loss of a loved one. Perhaps some people think this grief is not as bad because I didn't actually get to know Joy as one would get to know a person with whom they've had a relationship with. Honestly I cannot compare the two because I don't know that side of grief. All I know is that part of my grief is just that...not getting the chance to get to know her like I do with Elijah and Phoebe. I won't get the chance to see her grow.

I was up the other night with Phoebe, who was crying, just holding her in the chair in her room. I started thinking how I don't have this opportunity with Joy. As much as I really dreaded getting up in the middle of the night with Elijah and Phoebe as infants. I find myself missing that opportunity with Joy. How silly of me to take something like that for granted. I also started looking around Phoebe's bedroom and was quickly reminded how this was supposed to be Joy's room too. Right now Phoebe is still in a crib, but there is a big girl bed for her in there when she is ready for it. It looks like it is a bedroom for two, well except for the fact that the big girl bed has no mattress yet. It was supposed to be Phoebe and Joy's room. Joy is supposed to be in that crib and Phoebe is supposed to be in that bed. They were supposed to be sisters who were only 22 months apart. Instead, they were born 20 months apart, but Joy did not live. I grieve for my children and the sister they will never get to know in this lifetime.

When I found out I was pregnant I had secretly hoped for another girl. I thought how cool to have a sister so close in age. I probably thought this because I don't have a sister, but recognize the unique bond that a lot of sisters share. This is going to sound bad, but I also wanted a girl for convenience sake. Phoebe has the bigger bedroom and it would not be crammed to have another girl in there. Sure we could move rooms around if we had to, but the room was already decorated for a girl. Lastly, Phoebe was a much easier baby than Elijah was so I just assumed that if I had another girl it would be relatively easy if she turned out anything like her big sister.

Well, I partly got what I had hoped for...a girl, but of course we know that everything did not turn out the way we had anticipated. It's strange the things we take for granted. I certainly knew there were no guarantees with any pregnancy as I had experienced in Feb. 2006 with my miscarriage and subsequent D&C. I never had morning sickness with that baby, so once I started getting morning sickness with Joy I thought it would be smooth sailing...or should I say surfing?

As I get older and experience more I find myself so rudely reminded that in this life there are no guarantees. I know they say the only thing you can be assured of in this life is death and taxes. Blah, blah, blah. As much as that is partially true I would hope that wasn't it. Of course I don't believe that to be it...thank God! My trust, my hope, my faith is based upon the truth of Jesus Christ and who He is and what He has done through the shedding of His blood on the cross.

So many truths in this world change. What may be true one year may not be true the next. Science is ever further advancing, we are discovering more about so many things we once had no clue about, and on and on it goes. Textbooks become quickly outdated due to new and more information, but the word of God is never changing. It is always the same. Could you imagine waking up to discover that what you had known to be the truth one day was no longer true the next? Well, that never happens with Christ. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. Amen!

So back to the idea of this wave thing. So many people talk about grief coming in waves. I do find this to be the case. Some days I get caught off guard by things I see, things I hear and it all comes crashing down around me. Some days I can't believe all this has happened. Did I really have another baby? Did she really have so many physical things wrong with her? Did she really never take a breath? Did we really have to bury her? It still seems so surreal. Looking at her pictures confirms to me that she was here with us, we did get to enjoy her only for a brief time. Her life had significance. She did touch our lives and changed us forever.I know I had months to plan for this, months to grieve, months to pray for a miracle. I don't know that anything can prepare you for the end result. Perhaps some of the knowing has lessened the "blow" and shock of what happened, but I don't know that it lessens the grieving, lessens the heaviness of my empty arms and the hole in my heart. I know God is working on mending those things in my life.

More Photos

2008-11-06T18:30:00.000-05:00

Pictures, Pictures, Pictures

2008-11-03T20:40:00.001-05:00

I wanted to share with you all some of my favorite photos that were taken on Joy's birthday. I'll post some more this week. Thank you so much Jaclyn!

Gratuitous Product Placement

2008-10-31T13:58:00.002-04:00

Joy's name seems to be everywhere these days. I see this as a good thing. I find it comforting, not depressing. It could be that I see and hear her name more than normal or it's just that I'm more attuned to it and notice it. Just the other day I got an email from Pottery Barn Kids, as I do quite often since my Mom likes to order stuff for the kids from there, titled "Filled with Joy." I was flipping through the channels Wed. night and ended up watching a show I never watch, "House," because the title was "Joy." Joy was the name of the baby that was born on the episode. No disrespect to those of you who watch that show, but that guy, House, is really irritating. Perhaps that is part of the draw?

I know that Joy is not really a common name for babies these days, but the word joy seems to be used quite often. I must hear it several times a day. I never noticed this before Joy. Even some products I buy and had in the house have her name on them. I think I will make sure I am loyal to these brands from now on. ;) I know...I'm a dork!

Anybody know of any other products?

I had written this post a couple days ago and thought it was kinda silly and wasn't sure if I was gonna share it and then read Rachel's (my new friend) post on her blog today , Home on the Range. She said "but for those of us grieving, seeing the name of our child anywhere means SO MUCH." You are so right, Rachel!

Distraction

2008-10-27T20:20:00.002-04:00

I did find out today that my hours were cut, but only by 2 hours a week. The only thing significant about that is going from 32 to 30 hours a week drops me to a part-time employee and I no longer accrue leave time, which really sucks considering I work 6 days a week. The way things are going economically these days in this country, and even worse in the state of Michigan. ...I consider myself blessed to have a job. I am also truly blessed to be able to work from home. So enough said about that.

Today marks 6 weeks since Joy's birth. I wonder if that day will ever come when I don't know how long its been and I have to actually think about it? Knowing myself the way I do I would say...that day will probably never come.

It seems I haven't had a blog entry of substance lately and I would have to blame that on work. Now I understand when some people are going through a difficult time and they throw themselves into their work as a distraction to what they are facing. Honestly, in the 5 weeks I had off after Joy's birth I never once felt like I wanted to work as a distraction from my grief. Just the opposite really. I wanted to feel everything as fully as I could. Nevertheless, being back to work has served as a distraction this past week. I'm not sure if that is a good or a bad thing. This is probably why I was not very eager to get back to "normal." In my mind I don't want to get back to "normal," but the reality is that "normal" happens anyway. Life is going to go on with or without me. The kids are still going to get up around 7:30am, they still require to be fed, clothed, bathed and disciplined. I could go on about all the other things that require my attention, but you get the point. It feels a bit like life is dragging me around by the arm while I'm trying to dig my heels in.

Job Update

2008-10-24T23:02:00.000-04:00

Well, we had our phone conference/ meeting and I have no definite answers on how I'm going to be impacted. Basically there are 3 of us ladies that do the same job and our supervisor wants us to consolidate our hours and be able to give up some of our weekly hours so that we all can keep our jobs. Looks like we might have more answers on how we will be impacted come Monday. I'm currently working 32 hours as it is, my hours have already been cut once this year. I'm not happy about that, but I'm pleased to say I still have a job. Typically in a situation like this I'd be complaining, but I know this is a difficult time for everyone and lots of people are losing their jobs, so I feel blessed to still be employed. God is good! I'll update when I get more answers. Thank you for all the prayers!

Prayer Request

2008-10-24T09:10:00.000-04:00

I had a quick prayer request and this was the quickest way I knew to get the word out. I just started back to work this week after 5 weeks off after Joy's birth/ death and I got a phone call 15 minutes ago about a work meeting I am to be a part of at 1:30 EST. Apparently it looks as if there might be some cuts coming to my department. Please keep us in your prayers. I have to admit I've thought this might possibly be coming. I don't think I could handle this right now, but I know God is faithful to provide.

Mascara

2008-10-22T20:52:00.000-04:00

This is something I avoided for the most part from May up until very recently. To be honest I love to wear make-up, but being as I work from home I rarely put it on throughout the week unless I have an appointment or when we go to church on Sundays. I purposely avoided it. Most notably on Sundays at church when I knew I would likely be welling up with tears and those tears would likely spill over. I've mentioned before that after we got Joy's diagnosis I had a hard time keeping my eyes dry at church particularly during the worship part of the service.

Often times I would mindlessly be putting on my make-up except for the very last part. For me, that was mascara. "Oh, I don't think I need to put this on because I'll probably end up crying and in turn look like a raccoon." Not only would I look like I had been crying, but I'd look like a clown too. So for months I avoided it.

Well the other week I was getting ready for church and without thinking I put mascara on. As soon as I did this I realized what I had done. I thought ...oh well it's too late now I might as well just go with it. Turns out I was just fine. No spillage of tears. You know what...after everything that we have been through this year I just don't care if I look like a clown. I don't care if it is noticeable that I was crying. Me, the over-analyzer was thinking maybe by putting on the mascara it means that I'm getting back to some semblance of "normal" life, but I really think it's more indicative of a small change in me. I'm not so concerned with what other people think anymore. Perhaps part of "not going back to okay?"

Now I know you must be thinking...Sharleen, you know they do make such a thing called waterproof mascara. Yeah, I know, but really I'm so scatterbrained most of the time I never remember stuff like that when I'm at the store. Truth is I wouldn't even care so much about the stuff if I was blessed with thick, long, full lashes like my son. Go figure!

This & That

2008-10-21T16:30:00.001-04:00

Okay, before I start in on this post I need to share something with y'all. Sorry, I did live in Alabama for nearly 8 years and occasionally I may let a "y'all" slip. Anyway, if you read my last blog entry you will recall my fascination with the grass seed at Joy's grave site. At church on Sunday Pastor Mark was talking about sowing seed mostly in regards to finances, but also about sowing into people's lives and what did he use as a visual??? That's right....grass seed!! He got a grass seed spreader and filled that puppy up full of grass seed and spread it. Now how awesome is that? To me it was like a confirmation from God about what he is speaking to me.

I have had so many thoughts these days on so many different things that I'm thinking about, dealing with and wondering that I feel like this post won't be very coherent. One thing is that through this blog I have been able to connect with so many other women out there that have gone through the experience of losing a child. Many who have gone before me and walked this road and even a couple who have had to say good bye to their sweet babies since Joy went to be with Jesus. There is this network of women out there who blog like me about their journey, their heartache, their loss, their joy, their hope, and their Saviour. I know a lot of you coming to my blog are getting here by way of some of those blogs. I feel so connected to these women I have never met and I really do need to add their blogs to a blog roll, particularly for those of you going through your own journey so you can see that you are not alone. Okay they are now added to the side bar on the right. If you scroll down you will find them.

I know that reading their blogs often helps me in the emotions I'm dealing with, if for no other reason than knowing that my thoughts and emotions are not as crazy as I once thought. I know they say "misery loves company," but I think it's more like "brokenness loves understanding." Even if you haven't experienced the loss of a child you have certainly gone through something in your life where you have gained strength, insight, support and understanding from someone who has gone through what you have. I think it makes us feel like we are not alone, like we are normal, like someone else has gone through it and they survived. It gives us hope. Well that is much the same thing I'm trying to describe here.

I seem to be a part of this exclusive club of moms who have lost a baby. It's the type of club where nobody is happy about having a new member. I haven't been a part of the club very long, but already I have connected with new members. Not only was I not happy about their memberships, it brought me to tears. I don't want anyone to have to join this club. In fact, it's the type of club that nobody wants to join, but if they do they are pleasantly surprised at the love and support they find within this club. I can guarantee you that all of our children are friends in heaven, sitting at the feet of Jesus having the best time. The funny thing is that though I call these ladies my sisters, we have never met. Our children have met, but we never have. We will one day. If not during this lifetime then in heaven.

Speaking of heaven...since Joy's passing I can't help but feel so much closer to heaven. Not in the physical sense of course, but being more "heaven-minded." I have so many questions.......What is she doing there? Can she see us here on earth? Does she know how much we love her? Is she the same age there as she would have been here on earth? So many questions...so many thoughts. Many people have some conflicting views on some of those questions and it is not my objective to answer any of those just to let you in on my thoughts. Mostly I think about seeing her again one day and holding her. It gives me peace to know that she has a brother or a sister there to play with who I will get to meet for the first time once I arrive.

Elijah has also wondered about seeing Joy again. That is a difficult conversation to have with a 4 year old. In order to answer that it inevitably centers around death and going to heaven. He doesn't understand the concept that we are all going to die one day. It's understandably upsetting to a 4 year old. Every once in a while he surprises me with his questions. I love that he loves to talk about Joy and ask questions. He likes to get into our bed in the morning and often asks "Can we talk about baby Joy?" The other morning he asked if Joy would get lots of toys for her birthday in heaven and thought that Jesus would need to help her with the wrapping paper. ;) And this morning he asked if we could have another baby. Hmmmm

Last Thurs. night I had settled in to watch Grey's Anatomy while Lewis went fishing with a couple friends. I could hear Elijah crying from his bedroom. I just figured he'd probably stop in a couple minutes and I continued watching TV. He was still crying so I went up to check on him. As soon as I opened his door he cried out "Mama, I'm sad about baby Joy" and continued crying. I got in his bed with him and held him. I asked him what was it about baby Joy that made him sad. He said "because she didn't survive." I started to cry with him and he told me that his heart hurts. I prayed with him.

I hadn't seen him cry like this over Joy before. He mentions her most days and always says "I'm sad about baby Joy." He asks a lot of why questions like why did she die etc. It just broke my heart to see him broken like that. It seems so much easier as a mother to nurse the physical hurts. You know....kiss it better, clean it up and put a band aid on it. This is uncharted territory for me. All I know how to do is pray with him, pray over him, give him lots of hugs and kisses and try to explain things in a way in which he understands. That last part is the hardest. Our conversations have a lot of repetition. The same questions and often times the same answers. Please keep us in your prayers. I have a hard enough time as an adult understanding everything. I can't imagine being a 4 year old trying to make sense of it all.

One Month

2008-10-16T14:30:00.001-04:00

Written on October 15, 2008. Oct. 15th also happens to be the National Day of Remembrance for pregnancy and infant loss.

It was one month today that Joy was born and went on to be with the Lord. I decided to go to her grave site and spend some time there. It was a cool 65 degrees outside, a beautiful autumn day. The trees were all in full color. I went and sat by her grave stone. I did not purposely go with my Bible, but lucky for me I had it in my car. I have to say as a side note that I have been so hungry these days for the word of God. Hungry to dig into his word either for comfort, for strength, for answers, or for truth. Today was no exception.

I've said before that I've been at a loss for what to pray for these days and the following scripture certainly rings true in my life right now. I heard it quoted on the christian radio station the other day and knew that was for me.

Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. Romans 8:26-27

Boy do I understand "groanings too deep for words." I just said "God I don't know what to pray for...please speak to me, please show me something." I don't know if you are like me when you pray, but often times I never shut up and just listen. It's often a one-sided conversation. I thought since I did not have any words that it might be a good time to try and listen.

I was looking at the ground around Joy's grave stone and was really captivated by the grass seed on the dirt. I noticed that some of the seed had taken root and was starting to sprout up. In other parts the seed just seemed to lay there on top of the earth. Parts of the ground had some cracks in it from lack of moisture. We haven't had much rain these days come to think of it. (We actually just got some after my visit there) I could not get the grass seed out of my head and thought "God, what is the significance of the grass seed that you are trying to show me?"

I opened my Bible and went to the index to find scriptures with the word "seed" in it. The first one I turned to was,1 Peter 1:23-25 For you have been born again, not of perishable seed, but imperishable, through the living and enduring word of God. For, All men are like grass, and all their glory is like the flowers of the field; the grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of the Lord stands forever.

This life is really just a fleeting moment in light of eternity. My life, your life, Joy's life....a fleeting moment. I've never been able to wrap my head around eternity. In fact, the idea of eternity scared me as a child. Nevertheless, if there is one thing that we can hold on to it's God and his word. It never changes. His principles are eternal.

In Luke 8:11-15 it states the meaning of the parable mentioned a few verses earlier: The seed is the word of God. Those along the path are the ones who hear, and then the devil comes and takes away the word from their hearts, so that they may not believe and be saved. Those on the rock are the ones who receive the word with joy when they hear it, but they have no root. They believe for a while, but in the time of testing they fall away. The seed that fell among thorns stands for those who hear, but as they go on their way they are choked by life's worries, riches, pleasures, and they do not mature. But the seed on good soil stands for those with a noble and good heart, who hear the word, retain it, and by persevering produce a crop.
I want my heart to be "good soil" that produces a crop. That is my prayer! That the seeds of truth that are being planted in me during this time would mature, bear fruit and produce a crop. I don't want to be that seed I saw sitting there on the dirt not taking root, not watered, and dried up.

I've always felt close to God in nature. Admiring his creation. I mean who can look at some of the most awesome things in nature and deny his existence? At least this is how I have always felt. Just look at the majesty of the rocky mountains, the power of Niagara Falls, it takes my breath away. Some of my greatest "quiet times" with the Lord have been outside. I had a place on the campus of the University of Toronto, when I was a student there, that I liked to retreat to in order to gather my thoughts, pray, etc. I called it my grassy knoll. Not to be confused with the grassy knoll referred to in the assassination of JKF. I digress...you get the point....let me get on with my visit to the grave site.

The maple tree close to Joy's grave site had the most brilliant red leaves. I would venture to say it had the most brilliant bright leaves of any of the trees in the cemetery. The red leaves were strewn about on the ground and I tucked a few in my Bible to take with me. Something I noticed as I was driving out was that most of the rest of the leaves in the cemetery all appeared to be dry and brittle with a brownish yellow hue. You know...the kind of leaves that crunch when you step on them. The red leaves on the ground below the maple tree were not only bright red, but they were flexible, not crisp. Not sure the significance of all that, but it was just one of the details I picked up on. For some reason it brought me joy.

Anyway, back to sitting there on the ground....I could feel the wind all around me. Leaves were falling from the trees like snowflakes falling from the sky in winter. It was quite beautiful. In the wind I could so strongly feel the presence of God. Just as God gave me that beautiful vision when Joy was born, today he gave me another. As I could feel the wind blowing against my left cheek I envisioned God holding Joy up under her arms to give me a kiss on the cheek. What a sweet wind. I could feel it cooling the tears running down my face. Not thinking of this at the time, but later realizing that wind has often been used as a symbol for the Holy Spirit. Not only that, but we know from scriptures that the Holy Spirit is our comforter. I certainly felt comforted!

I really thought I was going there to have a good cry. I did cry some, but even more than that I left with peace and a little more joy!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
With all the talk about leaves I thought I'd post some recent pics of the kids enjoying the leaves.

The red leaves I brought home.

Did I say enjoying the leaves?

Look close. Yes, that is a piece of leaf in her mouth. Yum!

Never Going Back to Okay

2008-10-13T22:05:00.001-04:00

I think I need to clarify a bit. I know the title of this post sounds a tad depressing, but I have a new take on it. Well, new in the sense that I'm looking at it in a different light. I've listened to this Christian song before and thought "ya, that's right ...I'm never going back to okay." I saw this as a bad thing because when I think about the past it's the recent past I think about. My past where Joy was still safe inside my belly and I could feel her move. The past where I was holding her, kissing her, talking to her, breathing her in. The past where our family was all together.....Lewis, me, Elijah, Phoebe, and Joy! Granted it was in the hospital and Joy wasn't alive, but we were still together if even only for the blink of an eye.

My last post "Life on Mars" alluded to this concept of never going back to the ways things were. As we were driving back home from church yesterday the song "Never Going Back to Okay" was playing on the radio. It's really kind of a groovy song. (Yes, I said groovy.) It truly is a positive message really, but I was looking at it like a bad thing. God was showing me that not going back to okay wasn't a bad thing. In my grief I suppose it's normal to reflect back on that time. That period of time between March and September, particularly since May 2 when we knew there was something wrong with her. It's just a fact that there won't ever be a day that goes by where I don't think about my sweet Joy. The last thing I want to do is get stuck in a funk of just looking backwards with sorrow. Obviously that will happen now and then, but I really am trying to focus on the joyful aspects of all of this. That may sound very strange to some of you but.......the joy of the Lord is my strength! Nehemiah 8:10

I don't ever regret for a moment carrying Joy in my womb for as long as God allowed it. 30 weeks and one day to be exact. The pain and heartbreak was worth having her in our lives, even it is was very brief. I feel so blessed to be able to call her my daughter. She was no less a gift from God than my other children. She has changed my life for the better and so I can say that I'm never going back to "okay" and that's okay with me. I mean "okay" isn't so great anyway. I want better than "okay." Plus, just going back to "okay" would not honor Joy's life now would it?

By the way, I just added the song to my playlist at the bottom of this page.

Never Going Back to Okay
Performed by The Afters

It's not the end
But it feels like it is
I'm waking up
Like I'm back from the dead
I'm stepping out
And I feel so afraid
But as long as I'm moving it's all right
I feel alive
And it hurts for a change
And looking back
and it's hard to believe
That I was cool
With the days that I wasted
complacent and tasteless and bored
but That was yesterday

We're never going back to OK
We're never going back to easy
We're never going back to the way it was
We're never going back to OK

This discontent
Like a slap in the face
Of mediocre
I've had enough of this place
This party's over
And I'm moving away from the frills of you Beverly Hills
but that was yesterday

We're never going back to OK
We're never going back to easy
We're never going back to the way it was
We're never going back to OK

We're here to stay
This is our time
Our only life
Our chance to live

We're never going back to OK
We're never going back to easy
We're never going back to the way it was
We're never going back to OK

Life on Mars

2008-10-10T21:00:00.001-04:00

Don't be fooled by my lack of posting this week. I have a lot of thoughts these days, but few words to express what I am feeling.

I checked out that new show on TV last night called "Life on Mars." It was alright, but I couldn't help but think about the title of the show and the storyline behind it. "Life on Mars" is a good way to describe how I feel these days. The main character, a police detective, is living in the year 2008, gets hit by a car, and somehow is in transported to 1973. There are some familiar things to him in 1973 and some parallels to what he was dealing with in 2008 and from what I can gather he is trying to find his way back to 2008.

I guess that is kinda how I am feeling these days since Joy's birth/ death. Like I am in a life that is very similar to the one I had before that, but it's very different at the same time. Somehow I'm trying to figure out how to get back there, but I know it will never be the same as I knew it before.

With that said, I found a quote on a website of poetry regarding baby loss. This passage is apparently from a bereavement book. It is untitled and no author is mentioned. I was struck by how much this quote really captured what I've been feeling and kinda what I just expressed.

When my baby died, I felt as though I was suddenly caught up in a tornado whirlwind, spinning around in circles and upside down, finally dropping at lightening speed back to earth, but in a totally different place from where I was first picked up, and unable to find my way back to the place I had been before. That place no longer exists.

Hmmmm, kinda reminds me of "The Wizard of OZ." Anyway, you get the point. I'm not much of a poetry buff, but I found a few poems that really express what I am feeling these days. Their words are much more eloquent than mine

Untitled

Author Unknown
A million times we'll miss you,

a million times we'll cry.

If loving could have saved you,

you never would have died.

In life we love you dearly,

In death we love you too.

In our hearts there is an empty place,

no one could fill but you.

It broke our hearts to lose you,

but you never went alone.

for part of us went with you,

when God took you home.

His garden must be pretty,

he only wants the best.

He put his loving arms around you and said:

"My child, come home to rest".

Untitled

Author Unknown
I think about you day and night and wonder "Why Me?",

I wanted you so very much my precious baby.

At least I had the chance to hold you and feel your touch.

And to tell you to remember Mommy loves you very much.

I know they say with time the pain will go away.

But my love and memories for you will always stay.

I wanted so much to hear you laugh and cry,

so many dreams have just passed me by.

I know I must let go and begin to move on,

but I don't know how to say goodbye...

Dear Mommy

by Darlene Browning
Dear Mommy,

I just wanted to let you know that I made it home.

The journey wasn't an easy one,

but it didn't take too long.

Everything is so pretty here,

so white, so fresh and new.

I wish that you could close your eyes

and that you could see it too.

Please try not to be sad for me...Try to understand.

God is taking care of me... I'm in the shelter of His hands.

Here there is no sadness, no sorrow, and no pain.

Here there is no crying, and I'll never hurt again.

Here it is so peaceful when all the angels sing,

I really have to go now-I've just got to try my wings!

REMEMBERING

by Elizabeth Dent

Go ahead and mention my child.
The one that died, you know.
Don't worry about hurting me further.
The depth of my pain doesn't show.
Don't worry about making me cry.
I'm already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing
The tears that I try to hide.
I'm hurt when you just keep silent,
Pretending she didn't exist.
I'd rather you mention my child,
Knowing that she has been missed.
You asked me how I was doing.
I say "pretty good" or "fine".
But healing is something ongoing.
I feel it will take a lifetime.

Weakness

2008-10-08T14:30:00.001-04:00

I've found it a little more difficult to post this week. Lewis has stolen his laptop back so now when I want to get on the computer I have to go all the way down to the basement to use my desktop. Never before have I felt a desire to have a laptop. I can assure you my next computer will be just that.

Anyway...life goes on here. As much as I would like to hide myself away sometimes it's just too hard to do with two young kids. This week has felt the most normal (so far) for me since Joy's birth...whatever "normal" is? Part of me feels bad for saying that, almost guilty for getting on with my life, even though most of the time I don't feel like moving on. I want to wallow in self-pity. It's a constant battle. More on that later...

I am now finally allowed to physically pick up my kids. Of course this was not such a big deal with Elijah since he is 4 and doesn't require a lot of picking up, but I know Phoebe was mad at me for a while. I'm sure my time in the hospital and then back home where I could not pick her up was hard for her to understand. She did often seem angry with me. All is well now. It feels so good to be able to pick both kids up now if I need to.

I went to the doctor's on Thursday for my post op appointment. I guess all is healing as well as can be expected. I still have some numbness close to the incision and I'm praying to regain feeling there by the time I completely heal. Gotta go back at the end of the month and that should be it.

I had a chance to ask my doctor some things I was a little fuzzy on regarding Joy and her abnormalities. I don't believe I've mentioned it here before, but Lewis and I chose not to have an autopsy done on Joy. For us personally, we did not feel that it would have provided us with any more answers than we already had. We knew from the CVS testing that she did not have any chromosomal disorders. We also knew about the fluid around her heart and brain from the ultrasounds. We also learned some new things after her birth, like her having a right leg (Praise God!) and which organs had developed outside of her abdomen, and how she was connected to the placenta. To let you know, it was her liver, intestines, and bladder that developed on the outside of her little body and she was attached to the placenta by way of her liver. Other details I am choosing not to share with the whole world.

Bottom line is we did not feel an autopsy, in Joy's case, would have given us any more significant details than we already had. The more significant questions I have...well...we've gone over that before haven't we? Only God has those answers.

I'm realizing that as I go on in this journey and deal with my grief that choosing joy is a daily choice. Quite honestly, it is a daily struggle. Some days I have to fight for that joy a little harder than others. Countless numbers of you have commented how strong I am, how brave I am etc. I really have to point you to Jesus, because without Him, none of what seems strong and brave to you would be remotely possible. I just really felt the need to make that clear here.

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. 2 Corinthians 12:9

Some Comic Relief

2008-10-03T19:25:00.000-04:00

Anyone who has seen me in the past week and a half will attest to the massive scab hovering just below my lip. Sounds gross right? Well, to be honest...it is.

It started to develop the afternoon of Joy's funeral. It started out as a cluster of tiny bumps and had that "tingly" feeling. At first I thought I was breaking out with a couple zits and then thought it to be more of the feeling you get when a cold sore first starts. Well once I started applying the cold sore medicine it quickly scabbed. Okay Sharleen, you said it was massive? Yes, we are not talking your average facial scab. This thing is easily the size of a dime. Mind you it is slowly getting smaller, but not nearly as fast as I would like.

As nasty as it sounds, it looks ever worse. However, I must say it has no doubt provided us all with some much needed comic relief. Lewis has joked how it looks like a piece of chocolate and how I could always just walk around with my hand covering that side of my mouth. We've compared how it looked like the BBQ sauce Lewis had on his mouth after eating his ribs the other day, although not as shiny. I've sworn that this thing has a life of it's own and even it's own pulse. Phoebe has been pointing to it for days. My neighbor, Sarah, suggested that perhaps I should name it. LOL I have to admit I've even been tossing some names around in my head. People no longer look me in the eyes when they are talking to me. I mean who can blame them? It's kinda like a train wreck...you just can't look away.

Okay, I know what you are thinking....this girl really has lost it. Perhaps, but no doubt it has provided many a friends and family a good laugh. I certainly don't take myself too seriously that I can't laugh at myself and recognize how silly I look these days. Sorry, no pictures. I may be crazy, but I'm not stupid!

**Update: I wrote this a couple days ago and as of today the scab fell off! Now I just pray the redness goes away and I am left with no scar.

Joy's Garden & Headstone Pictures

2008-10-01T13:58:00.004-04:00

Lewis breaks the ground with a sod cutter. The best $25 ever spent for a rental.

Elijah and our dog Isabel want to help.

Lewis is always so safety minded. Great foot protection, no to mention fashion statement.

If you can tell from the pictures...we made the garden heart-shaped.
We planted a weeping mulberry tree, sandcherry bushes, black-eyed susans, a knock-out rose bush, and stella de oro daylillies.

A different angle. We still need to put down mulch and are thinking of lining the garden with rocks. I'll update pics as we do more work on it.

The headstone just got put in the other day. I went yesterday to Joy's grave site to see the completed headstone for the first time.

I'm really happy with the way it turned out.

Looks like someone planted this and put the little statue of an angel holding a bunny in front of Joy's headstone.

I went by myself yesterday as the kids were napping and Lewis was home with them. I had myself a good cry. I told God I was at a loss for what to pray for. Joy no longer needs my prayers as she is with him. I did not want to pray for healing of my heart...I'm not ready for that yet. I just wanted him to give her a big hug and a kiss for me and to let her know how much I miss and love her and look forward to holding her again one day in heaven.

I cried so much I gave myself a splitting headache. I haven't had one like that in years. You know the kind where any kind of light, sound or movement make you absolutely miserable? Well, that is the kind.....almost migraine like really. I slept if off last night and woke up without one.

Two Weeks

2008-09-29T13:33:00.001-04:00

It's been 14 days, two weeks.

I wonder how long I'm going to continue to measure time like this? Knowing me, I'll probably always measure time like this. Even more so I'll think about how old Joy would have been and what she would have been doing given her age. I'm sure that is normal too.

The other day was the first day I drove since I had Joy, the first day I went to the grocery store, and a couple of other firsts. I've always kinda measured monumental experiences in this regard for some reason. I assume other people do this sort of thing? I don't know.

Things since her birth/death are changing. It has turned from summer to fall. Leaves are starting to fall from the trees. The flowers that people have sent are starting to wilt. My milk is now drying up. My incision is healing, although it still hurts at times. I guess I'm supposed to get on with normal life, although I do have 3 more weeks off of work. Part of me doesn't want to get on with normal life. I mean what is "normal" after this? Everything seems so mundane. It's like I want to stay frozen in time. Where I can look around my house and everywhere be reminded of Joy. From the flowers, the cards, the meals people have brought for us, the maternity clothes I am no longer wearing, the thank you cards I still need to write and send. I want to stay in time where my memories of her will still be so vivid. Part of me wants to stay grieving and not move on. To continue to feel that fresh wound.

Boy that sounds so depressing and sadistic. Is this a normal way to feel after losing someone? They say that grief comes in waves, and it certainly does. I experienced this even while I was pregnant with Joy. Some days were okay and others not so much. I suppose I can expect this for quite sometime.

It's so easy to get caught up in the grief and I know at this point in time it is expected. The tears feeling healing. They feel cleansing. Have you ever noticed how songs often use the metaphor of rain and storms to depict pain and difficult times? Many of the songs on my play list are about rain and storms. I mean anyone who has ever taken a literature course knows that water signifies rebirth.

Think about how much we need the rain to produce crops and to sustain life. In order to produce "fruit" in our lives, we all need a little rain. Not many of us actually like the rain, but I think it's safe to say that we all enjoy the benefits of it....green grass, beautiful flowers, delicious fruit and veggies to name a few. While it's raining we often complain, think about how we would rather be outside doing something we enjoy. It sometimes makes us want to hibernate and curl up in bed. Heck, the rain itself can sometimes be pretty depressing, especially if it has been raining for days on end. I suppose the same can be said for the rain that comes into our lives for a season. The trials, the difficult times that we all experience one time or another.

One of the first scriptures that kept coming to mind as we started to go through this journey was James 1:2-4. I love how it mentions joy and this was even before we knew we were having a girl and named her Joy. Cool huh?

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trails of many kinds, because you know the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must first finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

The whole first chapter of James has some great stuff it it. Read it.

For some reason this scripture has grabbed me for years. Mostly during my university days. I guess maybe I thought I had some difficult times back then? LOL I don't know. Or I think maybe I thought it such a strange scripture. I mean come on.......consider it pure joy when you face trials??? Does anything sound more abnormal than this? Perhaps as I am nearing my ...uh em *clearing my throat*...mid 30's it's not so hard to see how difficult times have brought great growth in my life. This is probably more difficult to see in your very early 20's unless you've been through a lot and have gained some insight.

I'm not sure why I'm writing all this. I suppose part of me writes this to encourage you if you are facing difficult times and part of me writes this to remind myself. If I didn't have Jesus carrying me through, I don't really know how I would cope.

Do you guys remember that poem "Footprints in the Sand?" It seems pretty fitting in light of my last thought. I, like many of you probably read this a hundred times and thought..."Oh, that's nice", but I could never fully relate like I can now.

Footprints in the Sand

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there was one only.
This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods
of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints, so I said to the Lord,
“You promised me Lord,that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life
there has only been one set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”
The Lord replied, “The years when you have seen only one
set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you.”

Mary Stevenson, 1936

Does this post seem as much like a jumbled mess to you as it does to me? I'm not quite sure that I completely finished a coherent thought. Let just say I'm writing in a stream of consciousness.

Before I end this post I wanted to share some pictures from my camera. More to come later.

We are quite the motley crew. This has to be one of the few pictures ever where Phoebe is cooperating and nobody else is. LOL

Elijah loving on Joy.

Lewis, Elijah, and Joy.

Phoebe looks at her little sister.

Baby Joy

Joy and I at the funeral home.

The balloon release in our backyard.

Limiting God

2008-09-26T10:20:00.001-04:00

I have to thank those of you who have left comments on my blog, sent me messages via Facebook, and the many emails I have received. I'm not able to keep up and respond to all of them at this time, but I want to let you all know that I've read them all and appreciate all the prayers that are being offered up on our behalf.

I've also gotten several emails from friends, family, and people I've never met letting me know how they are being impacted by Joy's life and the work God is doing through her. I have to say that as her mother...I could not ask for anything greater than this. At a time like this it brings me great comfort and joy to know that my daughter, who never took one breathe on this earth is touching people beyond the grave. That's all Jesus! He knew the plans he had for her since the beginning of time, as he did for all of us.

Psalms 139:13-16
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

God never had any other plan for Joy's life than what took place that day. As unfair as it may seem and as heartbreaking as it's all been...it's been one huge lesson on learning to trust God and His ways. Like I've said before He has bigger plans for her than Lewis and I, as her parents, ever could. God reaches far beyond our expectations. On that note, I have to admit my short-sightedness when I first began this blog. I had hoped that possibly one day my journey might benefit someone else dealing with a similar experience. How silly of me to limit God and what he can do!

Ephesians 3:20
Now to him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think,
according to the power that works in us.

I guess that scripture verse pretty much sums it up eh? To my detriment I've always kinda been a "glass half empty" kinda gal, which has served me well with putting God in a box and putting limits on what I thought possible. I think it's safe to say that is changing.

It's so amazing to me how God has brought certain scriptures to mind to back up what He is showing me. I am by no means a scripture guru. I knew part of how that last scripture went and had to google what I knew to find out where it was in the Bible. It was deep in me some where. ;) Funny how that happens...

Finding Joy

2008-09-24T13:51:00.002-04:00

A couple friends had sent me this short video on finding joy. Sit back relax and enjoy! It's beautiful and inspirational. Thanks Erin and Robin!

WWW.FINDINGJOYMOVIE.COM

Prayer Request

2008-09-23T09:04:00.003-04:00

What can I say? When it rains it pours.
I need your prayers. As you know, I'm still healing from the c-section. Lewis has been wonderful taking care of me and the kids allowing me the time I need to heal. Although the incision looks great, it is still painful. What has made things worse is that I have some chest congestion going on, which requires me to cough. You can imagine how painful it is to cough when your stomach has been cut open and you are trying to heal from that. Let's just say it hurts a lot. Not to sound like a baby, but it hurts to cough, laugh, or cry.

I called my doctor's office yesterday, explained my symptoms, and they called in a prescription for a Z-pack (antibiotic). I'm praying this clears it up and I am able to heal without the distraction of a cough etc.

Thanks for your prayers.

Joy's Birth Story

2008-09-22T22:30:00.009-04:00

Let me try to do this day justice by recounting for you the day Joy was born.

Sept. 15, 2008

Shortly before 2:00am I wake up in my bed wet. I immediately think that my water broke. I won't relay all the details for you, but I was pretty sure this was my water breaking. My water broke with both Elijah and Phoebe so I've had some experience. Lewis and I quickly gathered some things, called our neighbor Sarah who was so awesome and got here ASAP to be here with the kids.

We went to the hospital and they brought me back to triage hooked me up to a monitor etc. I won't go into all the details because that first experience at the hospital was less than favorable. We ended up coming back home because the nurse could not get a positive reading for amniotic fluid after trying to get 2 samples. She basically told me I probably peed myself. I really thought I was losing my mind and of course second guessed myself. We went back home, went back to sleep where I felt more water.

I returned to the hospital at 10:00am where it was confirmed pretty quickly that in fact my water did break. My doc, Amanda, was already at the hospital scheduled to perform another c-section and told me she could do mine in about an hour. I couldn't believe this was all happening so fast. Of all the possible things I thought would happen when Joy was going to arrive I did not anticipate my water breaking at 30 weeks. We were not prepared to say the least. To be honest, I wasn't prepared with my other two and they both went to 40 weeks. Like I've said before, I'm a pro at procrastination.

I should also tell you that Joy continued to have a heartbeak this whole time. Mind you it was still irregular. It seemed to fluctuate between 100-150 beats per minute. It was a pretty overwhelming and emotional time. Amanda offered for me to be asleep during the c-section as she thought it would be pretty tramatic. I absolutely wanted to be awake, I did not want to miss one second with Joy. After getting the kids situated Lewis arrived. We got a hold of my Mom who was in Niagara Falls at the time to let her know what was going on. She and her dear friend Jill were quickly on their way to be with us.

They prepped me for the c-section. This was my first one. I had the quickest and easiest epidural ever! Lewis and I had some amazing people in the room with us. Dr. Amanada Hurtubise, Dr. Tseng, Becky (the most awesome, compassionate and caring L&D nurse ever who made this experience easier by her presence) and Berdetta, another amazing nurse that was there who also assisted in the L&D of Phoebe when se was born. I felt very taken care of.

Having a c-section is a strange sensation, if you've ever had one you know what I'm talking about. I felt no pain, but felt pulling, tugging, pressure, etc. Lewis let me know when they were about to get Joy out. It literally felt like they were ripping her out of me. As this was happening I closed my eyes, tears were running down my face and God gave me the most beautiful vision. I saw Jesus bent down on one knee with his arms outstretched and Joy running into his arms. In the midst of my heart breaking I had peace knowing that Joy was now made perfect and safe in the arms of our loving Father.

Joy did not cry at all, she did not take a breath, she was what you would consider stillborn. To my knowledge she had a heartbeat up until the time they wheeled me into the OR. She had a few movements and Becky told us that it was a reflex action, but they were precious to me regardless. If you remember me saying in my earlier posts that the doctors at Beaumont Hospital (the specialists) near Detroit told us at 13 weeks that Joy was missing a right leg. Nobody was ever able to locate a right leg or femur bone. Guess what??? She had both legs!!!! I cried when Lewis told me that. The best part about it is that her little right foot, the foot that was not supposed to be there, made better footprints than her left foot.

Joy was beautiful! She was born at 11:57am. To me she looked like her big sister Phoebe when she was born only much smaller. Joy was 2lbs 0oz, 12.5 inches long. She had stawberry blonde hair. The most perfect little face. Some people think her eyes were blue, although I thought it hard to tell. Both her brother and sister have blue eyes so that is very possible.

They wheeled me to our room and shortly after Amanda and Becky arrived with Joy in the most beautiful white dress with pink rosettes and a little knit hat. We spent the entire day holding her and loving her. Sharing her with our dear friends and family that came to visit with us in the hospital. We had professional pictures done. I had Joy in the bed with me as I slept that night. Or as I tried to sleep between Lewis' snoring and all the emotions of the day I didn't get much sleep.

For those of you who don't know, I had my 34th birthday that next day. Joy was born the day before my birthday. For a while leading up to Joy's birth I had a fear that she might possibly be born around my birthday. I thought it would be so depressing and tragic, but ya know what? I didn't feel that way. I thought it to be a blessing and a special gift. At first I was a little disappointed that she wasn't born on the same day, but realized she needed her very own special day just for her and nobody else. I got to spend the first half of my birthday with her. We were going to let her go sooner, but I did not want her waiting in the morg by herself until someone from the funeral home came to get her.

Elijah and Phoebe got to spent some time with Joy on both days. Phoebe, being just shy of 20 months really did not understand at all what was going on. Elijah was so loving towards Joy. He held her, kissed her, and loved on her. My Mom and Jill, a good friend of our family, were amazing. They took great care of our kids while we were in the hospital. Cleaned our house etc. My brother, Brennan, even helped out some and spent one night at our home, which he never does.;) They all dropped everything to be with us.

It's now been a week since that day. I don't know that it is getting any easier. I try to focus on the fact that she is now made whole, happy, and will never know anything but love. She was just too perfect for this world. I just can't help but be selfish and think of how much I wished she was here with us. My heart just aches.

A couple pictures of Joy

2008-09-22T12:30:00.001-04:00

I couldn't wait to share these pictures. There will be more to come as I get them. Jaclyn, a photographer, who volunteers with "Now I lay me down to sleep," http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.com/ volunteered her time and talents to take pictures of Joy. Not only did Jaclyn do a great job she was caring and compassionate. I'll post more as I get them.

Peace that passes understanding

2008-09-21T00:24:00.000-04:00

Before I post the story of how Joy came into this world I wanted to let everyone one know what a beautiful day yesterday was. We buried our baby girl yesterday. It was a very hard day in some respects, but even more it was a day of great peace. A greater peace than I ever expected. I think I truly now know the meaning of the "peace that passes understanding." It's just that....the peace I felt doesn't make sense in light of what we just went through. That is the peace that only Jesus can bring.

As we were entering the cemetery in the processional the song "Held" by Natalie Grant was playing on the christian radio station. This is another song that has really touched my heart during my months with Joy. A couple years ago when I had a miscarriage in Feb. 2006 it also brought me great comfort. Ironically enough a friend of mine emailed me the lyrics the night before the funeral.
_______________________________________
Held By Natalie Grant

Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays Is appalling.
Who told us we'd be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens To us who have died to live?
It's unfair.

Chorus:
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was When everything fell we'd be held.

This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred know our sorrow.
The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was When everything fell we'd be held.

Bridge:
If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was When everything fell we'd be held.
_________________________________________________

I thought I would be a complete mess...there were some tears of course and there is bound to be a lot more to come, but there was a peace. Like I said, I can't explain it. Jesus was there, He was holding us. I felt held. I was stregthened by the friends and family that stood by our side and felt the power of everyone lifting us up in prayer. There were friends and family we had known for many years, some friends we are just getting to know, and a couple people that we had just met that day.

It was a beautiful day, warmer than had been expected. We had a viewing so that everyone could see just how beauitful Joy was. What was even more beautiful was how much her little life had impacted so many. Not just the people who were with us that day, but eveyone who knows about Joy's story. I could not help but think that some people live an entire lifetime not making an impact like Joy has and I believe it has only just begun.

I have to share with you something that Elijah, my 4 year old, asked me as we were standing there looking at Joy. He said "Mama, is this heaven?" It nearly broke my heart. What a sweet boy...we had talked about how Joy is in heaven with Jesus and we had not seen her in a couple days so I guess he thought we were in heaven. I can only imagine how hard it is for such a young child to understand all this when I can barely make sense of it all myself.

We had a simple, but beautiful service for her graveside. Our Pastor, Mark Wargo, officiated. Lewis insisted on being the one to put her tiny casket in the ground as well as bury her. At first I thought it kinda strange. Not that I know what is strange or not in situations like this. Like I've said before, I don't have a lot of experience with death and funerals. I soon realized that this seemed to be his way to taking care of his little girl, not leaving the chore to someone who does not know her. A Daddy (or Papa as he likes to be called) who's heart is broken wanting to feel like he could do something for his little Joy.

Another touching part of the day for me was after the funeral at our home. My mom had purchased I think about 17 or 18 ballons before the funeral that we were going to release. Well, the time came for that and we all took markers and wrote messages to Joy. I thought it was a "neat" idea, but was not prepared for how moved I was going to be. We all let them go at the same time. The ballons all stayed in a pack drifting into the sky. I imagined Joy receiving them in heaven and having so much fun playing with them.

I want to thank the members of our family who started us with a tree and many beautiful plants for the garden in our backyard that we are starting in memory of Joy. I will post about this more in the future....with pictures to come.

Lastly, I want to thank the many people who have supported us in prayer, in words of encouragement, and in acts of kindness. There are no words to express how much we love and appreciate you all. May you be abundanlty blessed!!

Philippians 4:7
And the peace of God, that transcends all understanding,
will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

Into the arms of Jesus

2008-09-17T13:00:00.000-04:00

Just wanted to let everyone know that I went into labor this past Monday, Sept. 15, 2008. Joy Elizabeth was born at 11:57am by wasy of c-section. She had a heartbeat up until the time of delivery and quickly ran into the arms of Jesus. She weighed 2lbs and was 12.5 inches long. She was gorgeous! We got to spend 24 hours with her in our room just loving on her. We bury her on Fri. Sept. 19th.

I'm still in the hospital now and should be getting out today. Please keep me and my family in your prayers this is a very difficult time for us right now. I'll post more details in the next few days.

Love and blessings to all of you.

Praise You in this Storm

2008-09-13T17:00:00.000-04:00

I just wanted to share one of the songs that has really spoken to me during this time with Joy. Read the lyrics and you'll understand why. I cannot hear this song without crying. As a matter of fact, even after sitting here and just reading the lyrics I cannot maitain a dry eye.

It is truly how I feel. Even though my heart is torn...I will praise you in this storm.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Praise You in This Storm~~Casting Crowns

words by Mark Hall/music by Mark Hall and Bernie Herms

I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down

and wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day.

But once again, I say amen and it's still raining

as the thunder rolls

I barely hear You whisper through the rain,

"I'm with you"

and as Your mercy falls I raise my hands

and praise the God who gives and takes away.

Chorus:

And I'll praise you in this storm

and I will lift my hands

for You are who You are

no matter where I am

and every tear I've cried

You hold in your hand

You never left my side

and though my heart is torn

I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind

You heard my cry to You

and raised me up again

my strength is almost gone

how can I carry on if I can't find

You and as the thunder rolls

I barely hear You whisper through the rain

"I'm with you"

and as Your mercy falls

I raise my hands

and praise the God who gives and takes away

Chorus

I lift my eyes onto the hills

where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord,

the maker of heaven and earth

I lift my eyes onto the hills

where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord,

the maker of heaven and earth

Chorus

We have movement

2008-09-11T20:30:00.000-04:00

I thought I should post and let those who read my blog know that Joy was moving around last night and some this morning. Not tons of movement, but unfortunately that seems to be the norm for her. Obvioulsy, it will be something I'll have to continue to monitor in the upcoming weeks. She's a fighter, but I really wish she didn't have to be.

Update

2008-09-10T14:22:00.000-04:00

I had an OB appt. this morning. Amanda, my OB, had a hard time finding Joy's heartbeat at first and then when she found it it sounded kinda irregular and slow. Amanda said it sounded like the heart was skipping some beats. She was going to try and get me set up for a quick ultrasound, but wouldn't ya know it the stupid machine was being worked on. She listened a little more with the doppler to her heartbeat and it was still slow beating at about 80-100 beats per minute and got up to the 140-150 range, which is where she normally is. Amanda said normally they would likely send me to the hospital and hook me up to a monitor to see what is going on and if need be deliver the baby. She also said we don't know necessarily what is going on when we are not listeing to the heartbeat. She suggested that if I feel no movement for about 12-24 hours to come in for an u/s or go to labour and delivery if it is at night.

I'm not really sure what to think. Joy has not been moving much today, although she seems to be more active at night. I guess I'll just see what happens tonight and go in tomorrow if I need to. This is my worst fear...something happening while Lewis is out of town. I'm doing fine though, I'm not anticipating the worst at this point. Please just keep us in your prayers.

Something of interest Amanda did say was that if Joy is still in a breach position come 36 weeks they will likley go ahead and schedule a c-section around that time. That brings us to the last week in October. Now if we can see eye to eye on when the real due date is. I say it is Nov. 23 and according to their handy cycle wheel I should be due around Nov. 15. Not to sound like a "know it all," but I really do know better in this case regarding the cycle I had while I conceived Joy. It was longer than normal. I've been right with all my kids and their due dates when doctors have always marked my due date as sooner than it really was. Anyway, it's not that big of a deal, but I'm such a stickler for details.

I can't believe how fast things are moving along. It really makes me sad to think that Joy may only be alive inside of me for another 6 weeks. I just want to keep her safe inside of me, but I really don't know that she is safe in there either. If her heart is beating irregularly it sounds like she may be in distress? This really sucks!

First Steps

2008-09-09T14:08:00.000-04:00

I have to post that my 19 month old daughter, Phoebe, has officially taken her first steps! It happened on Friday and she has done it everyday since then...5 days in a row. Yes, I said she is 19 months!!! Talk about a late bloomer! Nobody is more excited than me. It gets quite exhausting having to carry around a 24 pound child when you are 29 weeks pregnant. It's really only an issue when we are not at home...well except for those darn stairs. Ugh! I'm hoping and praying that in the next month the walking will be a full-time gig for her. She has become quite proficient in scooting on her butt. For those of you have seen it first hand it's quite a sight. For months now she has been wearing thin her pants and shorts on her right butt cheek and I must say they get quite dirty. Many are permanently stained. Anyway, I'm just happy there seems to be an end, or should I say a beginning, in sight!

Anger?

2008-09-08T21:00:00.000-04:00

I am in heartburn hell right now. Nothing I seem to do will make it go away. Any suggestions besides the obvious...Tums and milk? Ugh! I thought eating some Twizzlers couldn't hurt. Boy, was I wrong...made it worse. I have to admit the heartburn with Joy is not nearly as bad as it was with Elijah and Phoebe, or at least not as consistent. Anyway...week 29 is here. Joy is still moving around nice and cozy in my uterus. I swear sometimes she must think she lives in a crazy house! She has probably been freaked out a couple times this past week with crying children in her ear. For some reason Elijah and Phoebe's heads end up on my belly, particularly Elijah's and he is the loudest, when they are upset. No one can scream like my son. I think it is supposed to be crying, but it really sounds like a scream. You know the kind of scream that makes your hair stand on end? That's the one! Anyway, Joy is probably wondering what kinda crazy family is she a part of?

Lewis is gone this week on business. This is supposed to be the last trip for sometime considering we don't know when Joy is going to decide to make an appearance. Based on the my doc's previous experience of one case and another lady whom I have connected with online who had a son with limb body wall complex (LBWC) they delivered at 31 and 32 weeks. I did find something while net surfing the other day about a baby who was delivered at 36 weeks. All babies were delivered stillborn. Interestingly enough I've had a couple people ask me this week if I would consider being induced early or I suppose in my case scheduling a c-section early to be able to possibly have some time with Joy alive. You know I never really gave that consideration. Partially because I was not sure how long she would survive inside my womb and also because my doctor thinks her lungs will not be developed properly due to the abdominal wall defect. She really thinks that it is highly unlikely she will ever take a breath. Honestly, at this point I'm not considering scheduling anything early. If we are getting into the 34th, 35th and 36th week of pregnancy where a normal baby's lungs would be very close to being fully developed I may prayerfully consider it. As much as I would love even a few precious moments with her while she was alive, part of me wonders if that is selfish. As without a miracle inducing labor would essentialy lead to her death or at least possibly make that time come sooner. Outside of a miracle I have little evidence to believe that if we were to induce early that we would even get that time with her alive. Ultimately, Jesus has the final say on how this will all play out.

My first OB appt. after the LBWC diagnosis was hard because for some reason I was thinking I might at least get a few minutes with her alive. I hadn't up until that point heard anything either way, but when I asked my OB and she told me that she didn't believe that she would even take a breath I was devastated. I recall driving home by myself crying and yelling at God that I just wanted 5 minutes...was that too much to ask? 5 minutes? After I gained my composure I made peace with the fact that Jesus is in control and the doctors can speculate and take their best guess as to what is going to happen, but again He has the final say.

If you're wondering am I or was I ever angry at God so far during this journey my answer would have to be...I'm not sure. I thought for a while I was angry at Him. I have certainly toyed with the emotion of anger toward God. I don't know that I ever came to an understanding if I was truly angry at him or just extremely disappointed? Just like I never questioned Him before this, I don't think I ever felt anger towards Him. Perhaps part of it is anger. Not in the sense of turning my back on Him and going my own way, but anger in the "why?" I feel this a lot while at church, most noteably during the worship part of the service. I find it so hard to get through most songs without tears. We sing about what an awesome, powerful, loving, gracious God we serve and I agree, but in the back of my mind I think...Yes God you are all that and I believe it ....so why is this happening, this doesn't have to happen...it's not too late for a miracle.

When I think of people in the Bible who went through a difficult time I immediately think of Job. I mean if I think I'm going through a difficult time...I've got nothing on Job. His sons and daughters were killed, his livestock were killed, he was afflicted with painful sores, judged by his friends to name but a few. He certainly expressed a lot of anger towards God. It was certainly poetic, but angry nonetheless. While reading this I came across one of those handy Bible indexes titled "Is it wrong to be angry with God?" To my surprise it said....No. The problem comes when legitimate feelings of anger are not handled correctly and lead to inappropriate bitterness and rebellion that sometimes accompany anger. The Bible realistically portrays the frustration and anger of God's people when things go wrong or when they cannot understand why certain things happen. This was the reason for Job's anger. Not only did he feel he was being treated unjustly by God, but he could get no explanation from him. Though his suffering caused many questions and anguish, he went too far when he insisted that he had a right to an explanation. In the end, God spoke to Job and set him straight: God had the right to question Job, not the other way around. Job realized he had been arrogant and that his anger was unjustified. When confronted by the awesomeness of God, Job repented.

Anyway, I thought that was interesting. Job also thought that God was angry, but God was not angry at Job; God was testing him. In another Bible index it says " Such sublte distinctions are hard to sort out while facing suffering, however. In the process of refining our faith, God often chooses to keep his purposes hidden.

I can so relate with a lot of that. ;)

You may be right...I may be crazy.

2008-09-05T16:30:00.000-04:00

I'm not really sure how to start this post. This is something that has been bothering me for a while, but honestly I'm glad I haven't blogged about it until now. It's funny how thoughts and feelings change over time when you process through them and you come to a new understanding of what it is you are really feeling. With that said....I'll get on with it.

For quite sometime I had been feeling really self-absorbed and taking it very personally when people who knew what I was dealing with and going through with Joy chose to ignore the topic or seemed to distance themselves. I understand that it does not mean they don't care, they just don't know what to say etc. Let me just say...the silence has been deafening! I was probably one of those people before going through this. I've never lost anyone close to me and it really does make you ignorant as to how to deal with death and maybe even how to support someone who is grieving.

Let me just put it out there. I don't mind people asking questions. It's not like bringing it up is going to reminder me of what is going on, trust me...I can't forget. I find it worse to say nothing in fear of saying something wrong. Your heart will speak louder than your words. I know it's a difficult topic and most people fortunately have never had to deal with this...thank God!

I could go on and on how this bothered me, but I'll cut to the chase. It's not that it doesn't bother me anymore, but I've come to a better understanding of why I am feeling what I'm feeling. I want people to know that Joy matters, and for people to stay silent or to pretend like I am not pregnant hurts because she matters so much to me. I know this is not a normal pregnancy and so it lacks a lot of the cheerful milestones that everyone likes to share in as the the arrival of a new baby draws near, regardless Joy is still our child, a member of our family, a child of God, sister to Phoebe and Elijah. I want her life to have mattered and have had purpose. Perhaps that is partially why I have chosen to blog.

Part of this is my own issue that I'm dealing with. I'm not typically one to reach out for support. I never thought I had to explain to people, I figured I was the one hurting why do I have to seek to be understood? Maybe this was wrong...maybe I'm crazy...maybe it's all in my head...maybe I'm too consumed by my present situation? I really think a lot of it has even been a distraction of what God is trying to show me in all of this. Getting my eyes off of Him and focusing on reasons to be bitter and angry.

Open for Business

2008-09-04T18:37:00.000-04:00

So I have now officially opened my blog up to be viewed by all who care to read. Initially I had intended for it to be like my own personal therapeutic journal and eventually sharing it with others. That process has been quickened by my husband. In his own way to be understood he shared my blog with a few people. Which probably would not have been that big of a deal except that I had not yet shared it with those I am close to and plus he didn't ask. He thought anyone could find it online, but that was not the case. Anyway, I still love you Lewis.

Refiner's Fire

2008-08-27T12:38:00.000-04:00

Wow....my previous posts were so optimistic. It almost makes me feel bad for attempting this next post. Let's just say that nothing bursts my "faith bubble" like a good 'ol visit to the OBGYN's office. Maybe it's too strong to say my bubble was burst, but it kinda brings things back to the reality of what is currenlty going on inside my belly.

We started our visit with an ultrasound (u/s). This is one that Lewis and I requested because we wanted another chance to see Joy. Our OB, Amanda (yes, we are on a first name basis), was so kind as to allow us to do this although it is not really needed. Joy continues to have a good strong heart beat despite the fluid that is surrounding her heart. She continues to have a build up of fluid around her brain, and her organs are still floating around in the amniotic fluid, which by the way....the fluid levels are good. This has been an apparent concern given the limb body wall diagnosis, however it seems to be a non issue here. Joy is in a breach position....head up, feet down....with the likelihood of her turning head down very very slim. She does not have a normal umbilical cord to allow her the freedom of movement like other babies. In fact, as the u/s tech was showing us the side profile of Joy's face you could not help but see this mass right in front of her face, which is believed to be her liver. The coolest thing we saw outside of her heart beating away was her swallowing. All the signs of life are there. On the flip side of that it breaks my heart to think of the numerous abnormalities that Joy is dealing with.

In light of the unlikely event that she turns head down you can imagine I will no doubt have to have a C section. Being a woman who has had two successful vaginal births and relatively easy birth expereinces at that, it pains me to think of the idea of being cut open to deliver Joy. Initially upon hearing this possibilty several weeks ago my first thought was....oh great....so on top of all the emotional pain I'm going to be dealing with I have to have physical pain to go along with it. Nice! I think I am slowly getting over it. I'm not really worried so much about the physical part of it all. To try and spin a positive out of the C-section I can look at it like this. At least I'll have a scar to remind me of where Joy was. To some that may sound sarcastic, but I assure you there is no sarcasm in that at all. For me, I am wanting to hold on to everything I can of her. As it is I will have limited things to remember her by considering the likelihood of her short life. The scar will be permanent.

Both scars will be permanent, the physical and the emotional. I thought it might be helpful to look up the word scar....this is what I found a top the google search.

Scars (also called cicatrices) are areas of fibrous tissue that replace normal skin (or other tissue) after injury. A scar results from the biologic process of wound repair in the skin and other tissues of the body. Thus, scarring is a natural part of the healing process. With the exception of very minor lesions, every wound (e.g. after accident, disease, or surgery) results in some degree of scarring.
Scar tissue is not identical to the tissue that it replaces and is usually of inferior functional quality. For example, scars in the skin are less resistant to ultraviolet radiation, and sweat glands and hair follicles do not grow back within scar tissue. A myocardial infarction, commonly known as a heart attack, causes scar formation in the heart muscle, which leads to loss of muscular power and possibly heart failure. However, there are some tissues (e.g. bone) that can heal without any structural or functional deterioration.
The word scar was derived from the Greek word eschara, meaning place of fire (fireplace).

Take what you will from that, but the last sentence had the biggest impact on me...place of fire. It is funny how reading one thing leads you to think of another. So I'm just going to go with it....bear with me. When I read that last sentence I thought of the song I haven't sung in church in many years...Refiner's Fire. This got me flipping through my Bible and googling. In Malachi 3:2 it talks about the refiner's fire. He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver; he will purify. Off to the side of the scripture it explains what a refiner's fire is....The process by which precious metals are shaped. The goldsmith stokes up the fire until it's hot enough to burn away all impurities.

In my google search I found something very interesting. Read below;
_______________________________________________
The Refiner's Fire

This is for anyone passing through tough times.

There was a group of women in a Bible study on the book of Malachi. As they were studying chapter three, they came across verse three, which says: "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver. "

This verse puzzled the women and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God.

One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study. That week, this woman called up a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work.

She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver. As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest, so as to burn away all the impurities.

The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot -- then she thought again about the verse that says, "He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver."

She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined. The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he also had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.

The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, how do you know when the silver is fully refined?

He smiled at her and answered, "Oh that's easy -- when I see my image in it."

If today you are feeling the heat of the fire, remember that God has His eye on you and will keep watching you until He sees His image -- in you.

Be blessed!
________________________________________________

I don't know if all of this pertains to my situation, but I certainly know that through Joy God is shaping me....and it is all a part of my journey to become the person I am meant to be. I've known this for a while, it certinaly is no epiphany. The question I can't help but ask may be obvious....why does God have to use Joy to get me, to get Lewis, to get our family where we need to be. This is where I have a difficult time. I don't understand, at least not yet. Surley He could have gotten our attention another way that would not cost us the life of our unborn baby? Like I've said before...He has His reasons.

Isaiah 55:8-12 For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yeilds seed for the sower and bread for the eater. So is my word that goes out from my mouth; It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it. You will go out in joy and be lead forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and the trees of the feild will clap their hands.

Wow, I think I just I got a word from God. How awesome is His timing!

You've got questions...we've got answers....ummm maybe?

2008-08-22T19:05:00.001-04:00

Lately I've had the feeling that Joy is going to surprise everyone. I've never had so much hope as I have had this week. I can't quite explain it. I just keep thinking what if "they" are wrong about her and her diagnosis. If you know me well enough you probably know that I always question doctors...for some reason it's in my nature. Not out of disrespect or not valuing their position, but in the mere fact that they are human. They can make mistakes too. Quite frankly, they just don't always have all the answers.

Not having all the answers seems to be a common theme here lately. I've learned to accept that there are not always answers to the hard questions, but then again I always seem to question the answers that I am given. This certainly is nothing new. I hate this saying, but it's the best way to describe my position on a lot of topics. I tend to play "devil's advocate." I tend to argue and debate traditional thinking on a wide variety of topics. Certainly now when it comes to Joy you can expect that will not change. Even when it is something I don't agree with I always like to try and understand the other position. I am rarely swayed by such understanding, but I think it helps me to feel secure about the stance I take.

Wow, where did all that come from? I'm thinking I have become to complaisant in accepting Joy's fate and diagnosis. Me, the one who always questions authority and doctors even more has become status quo? I just accepted that they are correct in her diagnosis. As I think about this more it just seems so unlike me, but then I have never been in a position like this in my life. I just have never ever felt so completely not in control in my life.

At times like this I find it so easy to give the control to God. HA! That sounds funny...I'm giving Him the control? Wait a minute...He's always had it. I guess what I meant to say is it's easier to be okay with letting Him have control. There is a peace that comes with surrendering it to God. Given the present situation I really see no other alternative, at least for me. I've had to surrender Joy to Him and accept that she is His child first and foremost. I truely believe that God gives us our children as a gift. They do not belong to us, they belong to Him. It is our responsibily to raise them in a Godly manner etc.

I typically never questioned God. Maybe because up until now I never have been rocked to my core and felt the need to question? Kinda intersting how in this situation I have stopped questioning the doctors and started questioning God. Maybe because I feel I won't get any "real" answers from the doctors? Again, they just don't know everything. This seems to particulary ring true in this situation. I can't tell you how many questions I have asked that they just don't know or they are giving me answers based on the one experience they've had with limb body wall complex. It's not their fault. In their defense it's an extremely rare condition, which by the way there also seems to be no answer as to why this happened. I really can't find anything conclusive online either. I have been assured that it was nothing I did or didn't do. Again, no answers!

I know that God has all the answers though, and again that gives me peace. Even if I'm not made privy to those answers right now I guess I'm okay with that. Did I really just say that? Am I okay with being ignorant? I believe I am, because quite frankly I don't have a choice. I've accepted that. I suppose it can be equated to having faith like a child. I recall being younger having complete trust in my parents and believed some pretty crazy things they told me. My mom liked to tell me that the ear wax in my ears was carrots...and I believed that nonsense. Ironically enough I tell my son the same thing now. I'm not saying that God makes up these crazy stories, but it seemed as a child it was okay not to have all the answers and I don't think it even mattered. I just know that I trusted my parents knew what they were doing and that they had my best interest at heart...even if that was the case or not I believed it to be the case. Maybe that was a bad example, but with God it's so much more on a grander scale. It seems hard as an adult to have that kind of faith or trust, but given my current situation God is teaching me how. Sometimes whether I like it or not. ;)

A Dream

2008-08-18T18:13:00.000-04:00

This is a record...two posts in one day? You'd think I had nothing else to do eh? Well...you'd be wrong. At leat this is my last day with Lewis gone. He will be back tomorrow and my 9 day streak of going solo will come to an end. Thank God!

Anyway...I had such an awesome dream last night. I'm so glad because I seemed to have a hard time getting comfortable last night. At least I know I entered R.E.M. sleep since I had a dream. LOL Okay on with it already. I dreamt that Joy was born alive!! The doctors told me that her condition was not as extensive as they had first thought. She was still missing a right leg and had some of her organs exposed, but they were going to do surgeries to repair that. In my dream I kept thinking how I could not wait to tell everyone the good news. I know it was a dream, but it gave me peace. It is the second dream of it's kind where everything turned out to be alright.

Oh I pray for more of those dreams. Just thought I'd share. ;)

Joy's Story

2008-08-18T15:05:00.000-04:00

It's probably way over due for me to explain what exactly is going on with my sweet baby Joy.

Let me start from the beginning. I found out right before Easter of this year that we were expecting baby #3. Lewis and I barely had agreed on trying for a third and I don't know that I fully agreed with the idea because when I found out I was a little scared at the thought of a third child. Ironically enough the day before I had registered for school. I am wanting to take some prerequiste classes to get into the R.N. program at the local community college. I had decided I needed a career change and nurses seem to be always in demand so I figured it to be a wise choice. I digress....anyway, things went along like my other two pregnancies. Morning sickness reared her ugly head on que at about 6 weeks. I went in for a normal prenatal visit on April 28 and my OB could not find the heartbeart, which is not unusual at just about 10 weeks. I also questioned the due date they set for me, I knew I was not as far along as they put me. The OB thought it might be a good idea to get an u/s just to check on the heartbeat and also date the pregnancy accurately. See, I had been through this before....I lost a baby between Elijah and Phoebe, and at a 10 week u/s there was no heartbeat to be found. For some reason this time around I wasn't really thinking the worst and wasn't really nervous about the u/s.

I decided to bring Elijah with me that day to the u/s and it just so happened to be his 4th birthday. That's not why I brought him, but Lewis and I has a scheduling conflict and Lewis was unable to attend. So we go in for the u/s. To me things looked pretty noraml. I zeroed in on what I knew to be the heartbeat. I know I say I wasn't nervous, but seeing the heartbeat was still a relief. I figured as long as that heart was beating away everything was going to be okay.

I guess I was pretty naive looking back. The u/s tech pointed out two abnormailites that she had concerns about and was going to have the OB talk with me. She pointed out some excess fluid on the back of the baby's head, neck, and back, which she referred to as a cycstic hygroma. She also pointed out how the baby's abdominal organs were developing on the outside of her body called an omphalocele. At this point I did not freak out or anything. Maybe I was in shcok or didn't really take it all in. Thankfully Elijah seemed oblivious and more concerned with his toy car at the time. We went into another room where my OB came in with such a pitiful look and told me she was sorry. She explained that a baby with the 2 of these conditions would most likely have a chromosomal disorder and that they were wanting me to so see a specialist at a hospital in Detroit where she suggested I have CVS testing done and get further ultra sounds. Again, I think I was in shock...I was very calm. All I knew was I wanted to get the heck out of there.

I had to go home and tell Lewis the news. I do remember crying etc. I think I was really trying to reserve my judgement until after we went in a couple days to see the specialist. Jump to that appointment. We first go to meet with a genetics counselor who goes over different scenarios with us. We get more ultrasounds...they are seeing the same thing. One doctor makes mention that he can't locate the right leg, but it may be hiding amongst the organs. Another doctor mentions something called a limb body wall complex as it looked like some of the organs may be attached to the placenta, but he wasn't sure if that was just an illusion he was seeing with the u/s. I get the CVS testing done. It stands for chorionic villus sampling and what it does is diagnose chromosomal disorders with a 98% accuracy. Basically what is involved is they biopsy a small part of the placenta. CVS testing is usually done sooner in a pregnancy than an amnio.

Okay, so after that appointment I realy felt like I had more questions than answers and did not feel any farther ahead. They wanted to see us back in two weeks for more u/s to get a better look at the baby and he/she would be bigger and they might be able to determine what exactly was going on. Plus, the CVS testing should be back by that time.

Two weeks later we go back. We had yet to hear back regarding the CVS testing. We literally got a call from the genetics counselor a couple miles from the hospital and she gave us the good news on the phone. Our baby's chromosomes all came back normal!!! I also asked her if she was able to tell me the sex of the baby......she said it was a GIRL!!! I could not even get off the phone with her and Lewis was literally bawling from the good news. We were thanking Jesus the rest of the way there. I did know that was only part of the battle and tried not to get too carried a way with the good news as great as the news was. Our happiness soon turned to sadness when after repeated u/s's the specialist confirmed that a previous doctor's specualtion about whether the baby had a limb body wall complex was in fact true. Our baby was also missing a right leg. I had already known from doing research prior to this visit that it was "uniformly fatal," at least that is what the websites would say. So our baby has no chromosomal disorders, but she is not going to survive anyway. We went on our way.....I'm sure we were both in shock. I don't even think we spoke most of the ride home.

I guess I need to explain what a limb body wall complex is. Like an omphalocele, the abdominal organs are developing outside of the body, but they are attached to the placenta. Needless to say this somewhat resticts the baby as she does not have a long umbilical cord in which to move about the amniotic sac. Apparenlty there is no way to detach the organs from the placenta successfully. Joy also did not develop a right abdominal wall, so my understanding is there would be no place to put the organs even if they could.

As you can imagine the reality of the news did eventually settle in and it was not pretty. Let's just say there were lots of tears and a little bit of arguing. There was nothing anyone could do for our baby. Termination of course was mentioned as an option and most couples in our situation apparenlty terminate. That was never an option for me. How could we terminate our baby? She had a strong heartbeat. We could see her moving around in there. I have to admit my mind did go there and I thought it would be so much easier. I just knew I would NEVER have peace with a decision like that. Plus, I knew it was wrong...my whole life I believed it to be wrong. I never did pray for this, but part of me was secretly hoping that God would just allow me to miscarry. Well if you've read any other posts you'll know that is certainly not how I feel now.

Faith

2008-08-17T14:04:00.000-04:00

Ironically enough...or not ironically at all (depending on your point of view) the sermons at church have been focusing on faith the last several weeks. God has pretty amazing timing doesn't He? He knows just what we need to hear and when we need it.

I've always liked to think that I've had pretty good faith. It's funny how much you start to question somethings when you are placed in a situation that stretches your faith farther than you ever thought you would have to. It kinda goes without saying that I am praying for a miracle, but do I have faith to belive that it will happen...that my baby will be whole? I believe He can do the impossible and this would be one of those impossible situations. Why does it seem so much harder to believe for the miracle when you are the one faced with the mountain that needs moving?

For many weeks now I've been foolishly asking the questions...Do my prayers make any difference? I mean....God already knows what is going to happen and how the situation will play out.....so what are my meager prayers going to do? Are they going to make Him change His mind, will they urge Him to act, will they help facilitate the miracle I'm praying for? To say this and question does not mean that I have given up hope or praying for that matter. But perhaps in doing so I have lacked the faith that God will come through?

I was reading my Bible the other day and came across one of those helpful littel indexes where they delve a little deeper. The title was "Can our prayers cause God to change his mind?
Bingo...this is the very thing I've been questioning. Again, God has great timing! It read as follows: "God's will is dynamic. As with any interpersonal relationship, God's relationship with humanity involves give and take. God accomodates his responses to ours; we adjust our responses to God's. So it can be said on this level, God sometimes changes his mind in response to our prayers. We might compare the relationship between God, his will and his people to a chess match between a novice player and a master. The novice can make any move he chooses and the master will respond accordingly. But the master will always be in control of the game. There was also examples given in the Bible where God did change his mind.

All this has lead me to a place where as the pastor would say "taking our faith to the next level." He mentions different types of faith and one of them was courageous faith. The kind of faith that people will look at you and think you are crazy. To believe the impossible and speak it! I've been starting to thank God for Joy's healing...not just praying for it, but speaking it. Am I crazy? Maybe so, but I think it's worth the risk. Even if things do not turn out the way I am believing will I be let down? Perhaps on some level, but in reality no. I'll grieve...obvioulsy...God is who He is and I've never doubted His control. Ultimately He knows the plans He has for Joy. Romans 8:18 I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. One way or another my Joy will be complete.

On that last note ...when reading scripture I was looking up every verse that had the word Joy in it. I came across a verse that spoke to my heart and grabbed me. John 15:11 I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. Intially, I looked at that verse only one way. In my grief I completely took it out of context wanting my Joy, my baby to be complete. That could have been part of what I was supposed to get out of that word, but now to me it has dual meaning. The bigger picture is about my joy being complete. Have I lost you yet?

I know I sought to figure out what it meant to choose joy, but I guess one needs to question what exactly is joy? Again, those helpful Bible indexes are great tools. Mine says "Joy includes a condition of genuine well-being, marked by confidence, hope and trust that extends far beyond our own infinite perceptions. Happiness is often temporary; joy is more of a process, often developed most profoundly during periods of chaos and suffering. The deep, sustaining joy of the Lord comes from an assurance that he is with us and will deliver us--from present difficulties as well as from this scarred and stained world. Such joy is able to express its hope, even in the middle of legitimate sadness.

Still choosing joy over here despite my grief...maybe now in light of the last paragraph that doesn't sound as double-minded as I first thought?

Long Days...or Daze?

2008-08-13T15:39:00.000-04:00

I feel like I'm in a little bit of a daze. Lewis has been gone 3 days so far and still 6 more to go. Ugh! Weeks like this just drag by so slow. They seem like endless days of breakfast, lunch and dinner making....diaper changing, bath giving, disciplining, working, phone calls, running up and down the stairs, story reading and pure exhaustion. Okay so that is how my days usually are, but without Lewis here it all just feel so much more intensified, not to mention lonely.

I look and feel like an absolute bum and I'm lucky to muster up enough motivation to bathe. I think I need a good nap. Oh wait...I can't do that because by the time I finish work it's time for the kids to be getting up from their own naps. I need a vacation! Better yet, I need a weekly vacation. One can always dream. Maybe it's the 6 days a week I work...granted they are not 8 hour days, but just the fact that I have to work 6 days is emotionally draining even if my job isn't very demanding.

Now what am I going to make for dinner?

Hobby Lobby

2008-08-11T14:27:00.001-04:00

By the title you've probably guess already that I went to the Hobby Lobby today. I went looking for somethings for Joy. I spent and hour and a half wandering the aisles in search for memorabilia type things. I ended up purchasing a plaster kit to be able to get a little hand and foot print mold when she is born. I also got a pink gingham keepsake box...very girly looking. The box I had at home wasn't cutting it and wanted something that was purchased exclusively for her, not just something I had laying around the house. Plus, it was 50% off...score! Lastly I saw insprational wood words that were painted.....words like Love, Laugh, Peace, Faith, Gourmet & Paris. Okay, maybe the last two words listed were not so inspirational. LOL I found Joy. I found one that was painted in black and another that was painted in silver. Silver it was! I purchased it and now it is proudly displayed on our mantel.

After I picked up Elijah from preschool he spotted it pretty quickly and asked about it. I said "Do you know what this says?" He confidently spelled the letters........J.............O..............Y. He's so smart! I told him that it spelled Joy and that I was going to put it up on the mantel to remind us to pray for baby Joy and not to touch it.

Okay, it's not really a reminder to pray for her I guess, because it's certainly not like we need reminding, but maybe it will serve as a reminder for us to trust God and choose joy in this situation as hard as it is. Plus, I find it really comforting to me to have her name displayed in our home. What a great name!!!

Choose Joy?

2008-08-09T13:16:00.000-04:00

What does that mean? I took the easy way out and googled it...well I came across a blog that seemed to sum it up better than I ever could. Read it and I think it will open your eyes like it did mine. Basically, joy is a choice and requires faith. What a challenge for all of us no matter what you are going through.

http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0001069.cfm

I guess for me....to choose joy wasn't just about a name choice for our daughter, which neither me nor my husband can take the credit for. It was really my Mom. I can't recount her exact story, but basically she had fallen asleep with a christian radio station on and caught part of a Charles Stanley sermon. Intermixed with praying and sleeping those were the words that kept going through her mind as a word from God.....choose joy! Perhaps a name? Maybe, but the bigger meaning was to choose joy in this situation despite there being nothing joyful about being told that the unborn baby you are carrying has no chance at life outside of you womb.

I wish I could say it was as easy as that to choose joy. Joy's name is a reminder to me to just trust in God and choose joy no matter the circumstance. It is a daily struggle...I must admit. It's so easy to succomb to self-pity and get in the "why me God, why my baby?" mode, which I do quite often. I find it is just a vicious circle of which there is no escapse. It is at times like this where I have to stop myself and say...."Hold on a minute, let's refocus this."

God chose Lewis and I to be Joy's parents. For whatever reason. As difficult as eveything about this is I could not imagine my life without Joy in it. I have to type through my tears right now for as painful as it is to think of our life and family without her in it the way we would want. I couldn't imagine not being her Mommy. To realize what I am saying in this is truly God, because to me that is to say that I would choose to go through all of this pain again if the other option was not to know her at all. That just boggles my mind because it almost doesn't sound normal.

Earlier in this journey I just thought that it would be so much easier to deal with everything if I just miscarried and lost the baby. Now, I consider each day Joy is still with us and alive as a gift from God. I guess you could say this is how I am deciding to choose joy in this situation.

Preparing for the worst

2008-08-06T21:55:00.000-04:00

Today was Lewis' 35th birthday. He decided that today he was going to begin calling some of the funeral homes etc. in the area that I had written down about 6 weeks ago to start preparing for Joy's arrival.

No parent should ever have to plan for the arrival of a new born baby by planning their funeral and burial. What else is there to say about that? Although I did not go with him to the funeral home it has all brought a lot of emotion to the surface. Like it had far to go? It's always there. I've been crying a lot today. As much as I hate planning for this I get to feel panicked if I feel this are being left to the last moment. Yes, I am normally a pro at procrastination, but not when it comes to this. I want Joy to be taken care of in everyway I possibly can.

I don't know this road so well ....so I try to manuver all the sharp turns and stops. All the while God is the one carrying me through. I don't really know where I am going, how far the journey is, or what is going to take place when I get there. All I know is that He knows and I trust that He has a plan greater than mine. In that I have peace. That doesn't mean I don't hurt, cry, scream, question....I do, I'm human. A dream of mine is shattered. My little girl is not supposed to live. How can I live with that?

I'm 24 weeks now and we had another OB visit. They don't anticipate me carrying her much longer, maybe 4-6 weeks?? Her heart is still beating strong! 145 beats per minute! Such a sweet sound it is. We get another ultra sound next visit at our request. Not because it is medically necessary, but because we want to see our little girl again while she is still alive inside of me. We are hopefully going to get in on a recordable disc that we can keep.

How do I make the most of the next few weeks? I don't want this time to slip past me. I guess this is one way to do it. I chersish every movement of hers...although it is few, which is pretty normal for a baby with her condition. I mean she is ALIVE inside of me! Sometimes I get so grief stricken that I can hardly breathe...maybe it's something like a panic attack. I had one last week just thinking of telling our 4 year old son, Elijah, about his baby sister, which we have yet to do. I kept thinking it would be like taking part of his innocence away. This is something we are going to be faced with doing within the next few days. I don't want to put it off any longer.

He asked me the other day when Joy was going to come out of my belly because he wanted to play with her. It just broke my heart. He already loves her so much. Phoebe, bless her little heart, is just too young at 18 months to really understand. She does know where baby Joy is when asked. She'll lift my shirt and pat my tummy and occasionally will try and kiss her, which seems more like she is blowing on her. It's so darn cute! I love these moments....they are bitter sweet.

Not much of a blogger

2008-07-31T13:35:00.000-04:00

The title says it all....doesn't it?

I had a revelation the other day that I need to get in print so I don't ever forget it. I was thinking to myself how lucky/ blessed I am to be Elijah and Phoebe's mom. I thought wait a minute.....I 'm lucky to be Joy's mom too. As hearbreaking as this whole experience is and how I go over in my head "Why me...why my baby?" I would not have it any other way. What I mean by that is I am glad to be Joy's mommy. I could never imagine not being her Mommy even if the likelihood of her survival is non-existent.

Not to mention God chose Lewis and I to be her parents. Whatever the reason...He chose us! We chose life for Joy! I know it's all a little more complex than that, but He knew we were going to give her every chance at life even though that life may not actually be outside the womb, but life nonetheless! Please don't mistake my rather matter of fact way of saying that as to think that we are not praying daily for God to intervene and make our little girl a complete miracle. There is nothing we want more!!

Maternity Clothes

2008-07-18T18:14:00.000-04:00

Now that I'm nearly 23 weeks along, maternity clothes are pretty much a necessity. Thanks to my neighbor I have a few more summer articles to cover my ever expanding belly and other expanding parts. Not that I don't have maternity clothes from other pregnancies, but I've never really needed them in the summer time.

I really could stand to use a couple pairs of shorts though. I decided to go into Motherhood Maternity at the mall to see what they had...big mistake. It's kind of a strange experience buying or looking for maternity clothes when you are pregnant with a baby who you know will not survive once she exits your womb. It's almost like I don't want to look cute...a little afraid to show the belly off maybe? I don't really know...the one thing I do know is that I can't with any certaintly make sense of my thoughts of feeling much these days. I just think or talk myself in circles to where I am even more confused. Make sense?

This pretty uneventful trip to the maternity clothes shop, uneventful because I didn't end up buying anything, sparked some emotions. There was a lady in there and the sales associate asked her how far along she was and she said 5 months. I'm 5 months too. I don't think it was so much that that got to me, but the associate asking if she wanted to be signed up for some kind of promotion where she would get coupons for diapers etc. It lead me to thinking of how exciting it can be to plan for a new baby and making sure everything is ready for when they come home and join your family. I've kind of detached myself from having those thoughts I suppose, but this afternoon my mind wandered there. I started telling Joy how sad Mommy was that she is not going to get to come home and live with us and how God must have bigger plans for her. I found myself driving home bawling and pleading with God for a miracle. Still, nearly 10 weeks later after the initial news, I still can't completely wrap my head around it and still wake up in the mornings to the harsh reality that it wasn't a dream.

New

2008-07-11T13:57:00.000-04:00

Wow, I have a blog!? I did not think I had it in me. After attempting to start a journal, with some failed attempts, I figured this might be a better way to gather my thoughts. Not only am I new to blogging, but I am fairly new to this strange existence I've been living over the last couple months. I will explain soon...I promise. As mentioned, I wanted to journal and have 5 pages dedicated to the topic, yet I feel like I have gotten no where. Perhaps a blog will be my new tool? Hopefully a successful one.

I have to admit I've been inspired by some other women who have walked in my shoes and shared their painful journey along the way. So, I will make my meager attempt at this hoping it will be therapeutic at the least and maybe, just maybe one day it will help someone else the way some other lady's blogs have helped me.